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DEAR ABBY: Ever since our daughter moved out, married and had children, she has become a different person. She doesn't treat my wife like a mom. They used to be close, but now it seems my wife can't do anything right. She can't post pictures of the grandkids when others can, and she can't hug or kiss her grandkids when others can. When asked what she did to be treated this way, my daughter responds, "I don't know."

My wife wants to be a typical grandma and love, spoil and have a relationship with the grandkids, but she keeps being pushed away. I have had it to my wits' end with my daughter because when my wife hurts, so do I. I'm ready to write her off and move on. What are we to do? -- FRUSTRATED GRANDPARENTS

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Your daughter may fear that her children will love Grandma more than they do her. You might ask your daughter if she would be open to family counseling, but don't be surprised if she isn't. If I'm right about that, then your idea about moving on and finding other interests with your wife to fill that empty space isn't a bad one.

If she craves being around little children and needs to fill the time, perhaps she could volunteer for a program such as Foster Grandparents, in which volunteers work as aides in schools, day care centers, Head Start programs and family support centers. To find out more about them, visit americorps.gov.

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It's not at all clear to me if the complaint is that LW and Wife aren't allowed to post pictures of their grandkids or hug them when other people can post pictures of those same grandkids and hug those same grandkids or if LW means that other people can post pictures of their grandkids but Daughter won't allow anybody to post any pictures of her children.

However, what is clear to me is that if your reaction to "no online pictures of the kids" and - I'm assuming - "no hugging without consent from the kids or when you have a cold" is "Well! I'm gonna write you off entirely!" then you are, in fact, the problem.

yeah, I wasn't at all clear on point one - but I read it as LW's friends can post photos of their grandkids, so why can't they? banning online photos as a safety precaution isn't an unusual precaution (although I post pics of Steph's kids when they're little, it'll be stopping soon for Teddy, and the others once they're bigger).

Yeah, it’s very different if they’re complaining that their daughter has different rules than their friends’ kids about things like social media.

Mostly, though, they don’t come across as amazingly sympathetic, given that they’re willing to cut her off about low-grade bullshit.

Even if others are allowed to post pics of/get hugs from the same grandkids, LW's wife could easily be specifically disallowed for, e.g., refusing to let their mom vet the pictures for identifiability first, or refusing to take no for an answer when a kid doesn't want to be kissed.

That's kind of the vibe I got from "she doesn't treat my wife like a mom" and "my wife wants to be a typical grandma" in the letter - LW & his wife have a Specific Idea of their rights and powers over younger generations, and they're upset because their daughter refuses to accept those ideas as naturally right and unquestionable. LW is way more mad about Elder Authority Disrespected!!! than he is concerned about having a relationship with the grandkids (thus the threat to cut his daughter off, as if that would not comprehensively destroy all relationship with grandkids).

I know a nonzero number of young parents who are clamping down on the grandparents' online brag-photo fest, and none of the grandparents are being gracious about it. It is unexpectedly and sadly revealing.

As for the daughter enforcing limits on her parents' interactions with her kids, well, I'm sure there are reasons the LW would not acknowledge even if they were right in front of him all the time.

I find myself having a hard time believing the daughter actually has no reasons for these rules. Is she actually saying "I don't know" or is that what LW is wilfully hearing?

If she actually is saying "I don't know", it's because LW and Wife will argue if she gives an actual reason.

oh, good point.

Does anyone else find it kind of weird that LW doesn't mention if the same rules apply to him? If it were just the picture rule, I would just assume that he's either not on social media or just isn't as interested in posting pics of his grandkids (at the risk of gender shit, that is often more of a grandma thing). And okay, maybe he's just not as physically demonstrative as Grandma. But the overall complaint seems to be that daughter keeps pushing her mom away, from herself and from the grandkids, but it's not at all clear if LW is being held at the same arms' length.

Or maybe I'm reading into it because something about the whole letter feels off.

Edited 2024-05-12 06:48 (UTC)

No, it is weird. I THINK it means that these things don't bother him that much, but for her sake. He shows such alarming and bizarre decision making by jumping up cutting them off that it casts the rest of the logic in a very poor light. Otoh, this letter is filled with red flags and it seems likely that they're pushy and entitled problem grandparents. The loss of contact might ultimately be a relief.

No, it's super weird, but I have no idea what to make of it at all.

They used to be close, but now it seems my wife can't do anything right.

This kind of phrasing always sets off alarm bells for me, especially from parents complaining about their adult children. It has the vibe of "when we had total control over their lives, we really enjoyed their submission and fawn responses to our power trips; now that they have adult autonomy, they won't play along anymore, and act like WE should have to respect THEM! like they can say NO to us! it's terrible!"

Anyway they should totally "write off" their daughter over not getting to overrule her parenting decisions and "move on". It will be a gift to her AND to the grandkids.

(Alternately, LW's wife could drop the entitlement and treat her daughter AND her grandkids like separate people she does not own and whose bodies and time she has no right to, and try to be a supportive friend to her daughter. But I'm not holding my breath.)

She can't post pictures of the grandkids when others can, and she can't hug or kiss her grandkids when others can.

I wonder, does "others" mean "the other set of grandparents"? If yes, then LW and wife need to ask themselves why that is.

"she can't hug or kiss her grandkids when others can"

I feel like this translates to "she lets the kids say 'no' when we say 'give granny a hug'"

That was my interpretation as well, fwiw. Once you're in the land of What Everyone Else Gets To Do instead of What Works For Our Family, the ground has gotten pretty shaky.

Also, it's almost universal that people who move out of the parental home and have children of their own go through major changes! That's kind of the point. LW's daughter is, in fact, a different person from when she was a child and dependent on them. This really shouldn't be a surprise.