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Miss Manners tells it like it is
1. DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 29-year-old, fully independent daughter recently told me that she does not wish to hear negative comments from me: "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."
I am the retired senior director of a large multimillion-dollar firm with two postgraduate degrees. I successfully managed hundreds of employees over the years and undertook extensive, complaint-free personnel management, staff development and mentoring.
I have a forthright personality and am used to speaking my mind directly with family, due to years of having to be politically correct in the office. I raised my daughter to be a strong, successful career woman. I am at a loss now that I must be politically correct all the time.
I know you will probably tell me I am in the wrong, but as I am now in my late 60s, I am tired of having to self-censor. I have done it for so many years and in so many professional and social settings. My daughter was one of my only "filter-free" outlets.
Do I just suck it up, smile, shut my mouth and stop being me? Or do I need to pay a therapist to listen to my invective?
GENTLE READER: Not wanting to be a punching bag for bottled-up negativity, Miss Manners notes, hardly qualifies as censorship.
Perhaps your daughter is so successful because she learned from you how to maintain cordial business relationships. Now she is doing you one better by recognizing that family deserves the same respect, if not -- brace yourself -- even more.
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2. DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a relative whom we always invite when we host dinner parties, whether it's for a holiday or just for fun. She always replies that she'd be happy to attend.
My issue is that she doesn't eat our meals. She will place small amounts of food on her plate and maybe eat half of it. Her excuse is always that she's just not hungry at the moment. She behaves this way at the homes of other relatives, too. However, if we go to restaurants, she eats everything she orders.
I personally feel insulted when I prepare a meal and she doesn't eat it. I think she's being rude to accept dinner invitations and then never eat the meal.
GENTLE READER: Actually, your relative is being extremely polite in not making a fuss about her obvious -- to Miss Manners, anyway -- food restrictions.
Nowadays, it is both useful and customary to ask prospective guests if they have any such limitations. In the case of a regular visitor, it seems rude to watch her struggling with her problem and make no attempt to fix it -- and to take insult when she is making such an effort to avoid just that.
Link
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3. DEAR MISS MANNERS: There are so many requests to give donations at the checkout line these days -- sometimes multiple times in a day! I do give to worthy causes, but I have been asked at every visit to a particular grocery store, where I shop almost daily, for a contribution.
It has started to trouble me that all of these funds -- collected at the expense of the customers, and with such frequency -- serve to benefit these large stores as donation write-offs.
Add to this the implication that one is being miserly to the less fortunate if another donation isn't made. Some people who would like to give generously are simply not in a position to do so, and shouldn't feel embarrassed.
I have tried saying, "Thank you, I already donated," which is accurate, but it doesn't really address how unkind it is to put customers (and the sales staff, who have been told to ask) in such a position. I have also said, "Not today," but I admit to feeling a little badly about that sometimes.
I am considering simply giving a warm smile and a, "Thank you, I donate privately." How does Miss Manners feel about such a response?
GENTLE READER: Does this not seem to you like an inordinate amount of time to spend worrying about something to which the sales staff, the store manager and the other customers are not paying the slightest attention?
Link
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4. DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper greeting of a childless woman or man on Mother's Day or Father's Day?
GENTLE READER: "Hello."
Link
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5. DEAR MISS MANNERS: When is it OK to give out advice about personal appearance?
I have a single friend who is looking for a mate. Her personal grooming, hairstyle and clothing are very outdated and shabby. She's quite intellectual, but apparently oblivious or indifferent about her appearance. I don't think she's considered updating either her wardrobe or hairstyle since college, well over 15 years ago.
Is there a way to be helpful without losing her as a friend?
GENTLE READER: The right time to give such advice is when your friend requests it, and the way to give it without losing her as a friend is tactfully. Miss Manners does not mean to minimize the effort this will require after holding your tongue for the past 15 years.
Link
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6.DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 50-year-old man who works in a field where the majority of staff are women. I am in management and find myself referring to staff as "girls" in conversations with peers and leadership above me.
I realize the term is not appropriate, and is in fact demeaning to the hardworking staff in our organization. Once I catch myself, I become flustered and quickly correct myself to the person I’m speaking with, but I can tell from their reaction and body language that they either feel my lengthy correction is awkward or disingenuous.
How should I handle these situations in the future? Should I try to apologize for my mistake in referring to staff as "girls," and if so, what would be the best way to do this? I am working very, very hard to break this horrible habit and do better.
GENTLE READER: Work harder. You learned not to put your hand on a hot stove at a young age and still rose to the level of a manager -- this cannot be so very difficult.
If you agree to do that, Miss Manners will tell you how to repair the damage done, which is to apologize with enough sincerity and frequency that you understand your female co-workers’ feelings of humiliation.
Link
I am the retired senior director of a large multimillion-dollar firm with two postgraduate degrees. I successfully managed hundreds of employees over the years and undertook extensive, complaint-free personnel management, staff development and mentoring.
I have a forthright personality and am used to speaking my mind directly with family, due to years of having to be politically correct in the office. I raised my daughter to be a strong, successful career woman. I am at a loss now that I must be politically correct all the time.
I know you will probably tell me I am in the wrong, but as I am now in my late 60s, I am tired of having to self-censor. I have done it for so many years and in so many professional and social settings. My daughter was one of my only "filter-free" outlets.
Do I just suck it up, smile, shut my mouth and stop being me? Or do I need to pay a therapist to listen to my invective?
GENTLE READER: Not wanting to be a punching bag for bottled-up negativity, Miss Manners notes, hardly qualifies as censorship.
Perhaps your daughter is so successful because she learned from you how to maintain cordial business relationships. Now she is doing you one better by recognizing that family deserves the same respect, if not -- brace yourself -- even more.
Link
2. DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a relative whom we always invite when we host dinner parties, whether it's for a holiday or just for fun. She always replies that she'd be happy to attend.
My issue is that she doesn't eat our meals. She will place small amounts of food on her plate and maybe eat half of it. Her excuse is always that she's just not hungry at the moment. She behaves this way at the homes of other relatives, too. However, if we go to restaurants, she eats everything she orders.
I personally feel insulted when I prepare a meal and she doesn't eat it. I think she's being rude to accept dinner invitations and then never eat the meal.
GENTLE READER: Actually, your relative is being extremely polite in not making a fuss about her obvious -- to Miss Manners, anyway -- food restrictions.
Nowadays, it is both useful and customary to ask prospective guests if they have any such limitations. In the case of a regular visitor, it seems rude to watch her struggling with her problem and make no attempt to fix it -- and to take insult when she is making such an effort to avoid just that.
Link
3. DEAR MISS MANNERS: There are so many requests to give donations at the checkout line these days -- sometimes multiple times in a day! I do give to worthy causes, but I have been asked at every visit to a particular grocery store, where I shop almost daily, for a contribution.
It has started to trouble me that all of these funds -- collected at the expense of the customers, and with such frequency -- serve to benefit these large stores as donation write-offs.
Add to this the implication that one is being miserly to the less fortunate if another donation isn't made. Some people who would like to give generously are simply not in a position to do so, and shouldn't feel embarrassed.
I have tried saying, "Thank you, I already donated," which is accurate, but it doesn't really address how unkind it is to put customers (and the sales staff, who have been told to ask) in such a position. I have also said, "Not today," but I admit to feeling a little badly about that sometimes.
I am considering simply giving a warm smile and a, "Thank you, I donate privately." How does Miss Manners feel about such a response?
GENTLE READER: Does this not seem to you like an inordinate amount of time to spend worrying about something to which the sales staff, the store manager and the other customers are not paying the slightest attention?
Link
4. DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper greeting of a childless woman or man on Mother's Day or Father's Day?
GENTLE READER: "Hello."
Link
5. DEAR MISS MANNERS: When is it OK to give out advice about personal appearance?
I have a single friend who is looking for a mate. Her personal grooming, hairstyle and clothing are very outdated and shabby. She's quite intellectual, but apparently oblivious or indifferent about her appearance. I don't think she's considered updating either her wardrobe or hairstyle since college, well over 15 years ago.
Is there a way to be helpful without losing her as a friend?
GENTLE READER: The right time to give such advice is when your friend requests it, and the way to give it without losing her as a friend is tactfully. Miss Manners does not mean to minimize the effort this will require after holding your tongue for the past 15 years.
Link
6.DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 50-year-old man who works in a field where the majority of staff are women. I am in management and find myself referring to staff as "girls" in conversations with peers and leadership above me.
I realize the term is not appropriate, and is in fact demeaning to the hardworking staff in our organization. Once I catch myself, I become flustered and quickly correct myself to the person I’m speaking with, but I can tell from their reaction and body language that they either feel my lengthy correction is awkward or disingenuous.
How should I handle these situations in the future? Should I try to apologize for my mistake in referring to staff as "girls," and if so, what would be the best way to do this? I am working very, very hard to break this horrible habit and do better.
GENTLE READER: Work harder. You learned not to put your hand on a hot stove at a young age and still rose to the level of a manager -- this cannot be so very difficult.
If you agree to do that, Miss Manners will tell you how to repair the damage done, which is to apologize with enough sincerity and frequency that you understand your female co-workers’ feelings of humiliation.
Link