My partner concealed he had more than one ex-wife. Should I be nervous about our future?

[oursin]

This omission demonstrates a troubling facility with concealment, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. To move forward, you need to be satisfied there are no more big surprises

After several months of dating, my partner revealed he had another ex-wife and three teenage children. He’d only ever mentioned one ex-wife and two small children. He explained his rationale and I decided to continue with the relationship. I had been single for 15 years and I feel I’ve really connected with him.

We have the best time together, and although he’s away a lot with work, he’s communicative, considerate and has given me the sort of relationship I never thought I’d find. I feel he genuinely loves me and wants the best for me. He’s always saying how much he appreciates me. But I am nervous about the future as he has so many commitments (I don’t have children but hope to one day, and he’s on board).

My family feel he’s deceived me and they fear for my future. I don’t know how to navigate my way through this. All I’ve ever wanted is to meet someone to build a life with and I feel I can’t enjoy it. I’m scared I’m making a mistake. I’m scared I’ll never meet someone like him if I walk away. I’m scared my family won’t ever accept him. What do I do?

Eleanor says: Nobody likes to feel that something big has been elided. Transparency is, in a lot of ways, the ideal in close relationships. But I suspect there are ways we all fall short of that ideal, quite deliberately, all the time – especially in the early stages of dating.

Hoping someone will fall in love with you is a bit like hoping they’ll believe what you’re telling them, in that you actively set back your chances of succeeding by announcing that’s what you want. “Like me!” akin to “believe me!” makes you seem less deserving of the thing you want. So in the early throes of a new relationship, most of us conceal how much we want to be liked and we conceal other “warts and all” things too. Finances, health problems, neuroses, the worst lie you ever told – everybody has aspects of themselves they don’t bring to the first date.

But a whole extra family is a lot to not mention. We tend to conceal the things we think will see us unfairly written off, and I can see why he’d fear that two previous families look worse than one. Maybe he gambled that once you knew him, you’d understand, but that in those early stages you’d think that while one divorce looks an accident, two looks like carelessness.

This omission demonstrates a facility with concealment that might be troubling. And it makes me quite sad for the teens that they were the “extra” reveal: that the fact he’s their dad was a temporarily excisable part of his identity.

But I think a great deal lives in the details. It speaks well that he told you, that you didn’t have to find it out. Has he reassured you there are no more big surprises? Are there other indications that he takes his role as part of their family seriously? What do the kids and exes think of him?

If you’re satisfied with the answers, I’m not sure that your family’s impression needs to matter more than your own.

You mentioned being fearful of your future together. It’s true that he has a lot of commitments. To my mind, the possibility that his attention would be divided is actually a good thing – it would be no great recommendation if he was wonderful to you and your hypothetical children, but gave no time to his other families. That would just make you fear that if you did break up you’d be relegated to their category. So the more you have to share him now, the more reassurance you have that he’ll be supportive no matter what comes.

There’s a lot of fear at the end of your letter – of other people’s judgment, of missing out, of him. Unfortunately that means there’s fear associated with every option. It’s natural during big life shifts to fear we’re making a mistake. But one way to guarantee things go badly is to be consumed more by what might happen, than by what is happening.

Comments

[oursin]

although he’s away a lot with work

Yeah, work.
This sounds like one of those apparently respectable Victorian patriarchs who turned out to be maintaining at least two apparently marital households, one in Putney and one in Hackney, maybe another one in Camberwell, and Papa had to travel a great deal on business.

[lilysea]

50% chance that he has another relationship/another household

50% chance that he DOESN'T have another relationship/another household and it really is all work travel - paying for child support and college for FIVE children would = working a lot of hours at whatever the highest paying job you could get was, even if it involved a lot of travel

[conuly]

My aunt only found out after her father's death that he had an entire second family. And something like six kids in each, too!

[ethelmay]

Every time I look up Charles Lindbergh's life it's more complicated than I recall. https://www.mnhs.org/lindbergh/learn/family/double-life

He had six kids with Anne Morrow, three with Brigitte Hesshaimer, two with Marietta Hesshaimer, and two with someone called Valeska something.

[oursin]

Knowing something about Lindbergh's political leanings, was this some kind of eugenic thing? (I am never sure with HG Wells whether he was just incompetent about birth control or whether spreading his seed was in play with Amber Reeves, Rebecca West, etc. Apparently 'Little E' - Elizabeth von Arnim - refused an affair 'a l'outrance' because she was so hyperfertile - April May June babies.)

A person I knew had several children with at least two women, but the impression one got was that a) he was in fact involved in the lives of the children and b) the women were a LOT happier with him as an occasional visitor than a permanent member of the household.

[ethelmay]

Wasn't it a broken condom with Wells and Rebecca West and he made her go use the bidet? I didn't think that sounded like him trying to get her pregnant. Lindbergh I am guessing had multiple reasons, but eugenics might have been part of it, dunno.

[oursin]

My general impression is that Wells was a bit pathetic with contraception, for a Vice-President of the Malthusian League! Not the best advertisement.

(I also think it's a pity Rebecca wasn't on better terms with Stella Browne - they were acquainted via The Freewoman - because I have a distinct impression that Stella knew safe discreet doctors.)

[ethelmay]

Agree re Stella Browne. My own parents were technically pro contraception but also had one oops after another (as to timing, anyway). I have a bunch of theories about why/how, but who knows if I am right. I think it is relevant that they both came from two-child families themselves, and I have letters my dad wrote as a young man where he's clearly been reading some Jukes/Kallikaks sort of nonsense about dumb people outbreeding smart ones.

[lethe1]

My first thought as well.

[oursin]

And it all comes out when one of them serves him tasty arsenic for his din-dins.

[tielan]

I tend to look at the worst possibe scenarios in this situation.

Worst case scenario if she stays:
She ends up another of those ex-wives with the kids who can be dropped from the narrative he makes of his life at a moment's notice. And she's alone - again - but now with kids.

Worst case scenario if she leaves:
She ends up alone (and lonely, from the sound of it "all I've ever wanted is to meet someone to build a life with" she's not someone who could be happy just in and of herself, she needs a man to validate her).

There's also the possibillity that she finds out he has yet another family and she's the bit on the side. Not sure whether she'd consider this worse or better than becoming an ex-with-kids by him.

Mind you, I'm also of the "a man who will lie to his wife, will lie to his mistress" mindset. I'm also not convinced that the kind of man who would hide ex-wives and children is the kind of man who actually sees himself as having any responsibility to pay for child support, let alone college.

[liv]

I think this LW needs permission to dump him, frankly. I can see EGS' point that it's a somewhat positive sign that he still cares about his previous families. And normally I think it's unreasonable to expect full disclosure about your entire life history in the first weeks of dating. If his ex-wife was someone he foolishly married in his youth and they realized their mistake after a few months, well, it's good to know but I wouldn't call it 'concealment' if it wasn't mentioned immediately. But he's the father of three teenagers, and a committed father by this account, not just a provider of child support payments. That should have been brought up as soon as they started talking about the possibility of a future together.

I am very sympathetic to this LW who has been single for 15 years and desperately wants to find a life partner. But people in that situation are targets for exploitative men; I don't know whether the guy is actually currently cheating, but he is love-bombing and it sounds like he's at very best less invested in this relationship than LW. I think she's better off without him, and making plans to be a single parent, not least because that's probably going to be where she ends up if she does have kids with this guy.

[castiron]

Yeah, the time to say "and I also have this other ex and three teens" was when he said "so, I have an ex and two small kids".

Maybe I can see waiting if the little kids were staying with Partner regularly so their existence would've been obvious from the beginning of LW's relationship -- I can imagine dating someone in the future who knows right away about Middle and Youngest because at least one lives with me but doesn't know about Oldest. Then again, I'd have said "and my oldest child is severely developmentally disabled and lives oveseas with my ex where the social services are better" the first time we were actively discussing families.

[azurelunatic]

Yeah, it's not that hard to say "I have five children from my previous marriages"

[cereta]

To me, kids are the kind of thing that comes up on the first date. I mean, that's just basic biographical info.

[dissectionist]

You say he has so many commitments but you don’t mention any contact with his small kids, much less the older ones. It would have been easy to say “he’s frequently away for work or spending time with his kids” but there was zilch. Best-case scenario that that the “work” time also includes being-a-parent time, but there’s no indication you’re aware of that happening in the letter, other than an assumption that he does see his kids as commitments.

He seems to have a pattern of making 2-3 kids and then moving on, and we don’t know how much contact/parenting he provides after. If you’re fine with that for yourself and your hypothetical kids, sure, you do you. Just don’t trick yourself that you’re destined to be The One after he’s already semi-discarded or fully discarded at least two families. You may well not even be A One right now; it’s quite possible that all that travel for work is actually him spending time with another current family.

[green_grrl]

Yeah, “He seems to have a pattern of making 2-3 kids and then moving on” was what stood out to me. I thought this was the most useful advice: What do the kids and exes think of him? Because that’s LW’s future if she goes for it.

[minoanmiss]

VERY good catch.

[minoanmiss]

I want to know what vitamins he takes.

[topaz_eyes]

LW, talk to his exes and kids before you make any decision. Otherwise, in 10 years you could be Ex #3 with 2 small kids, and he's off after Conquest #4. And watch his reaction closely when you ask for their contact details. If he's evasive, or outright defensive, run.

[ashbet]

I did once actually find out about a second ex-wife about 8 months into a relationship, but I think it was an accident/miscommunication (knew about the mother of his college-age kids, and a reasonable amount about that relationship, but he also referred to a more recent former wife as "my ex," and I thought she was the same person.)

I also have ADHD and may have skimmed right over that 😅

Thankfully, there was no attempt at deception, and he explained it right away when something he said made it become clear that there was a second ex involved!

However, with the LW's partner, I have serious concerns about him hiding his three older KIDS.

To me, that's a much bigger ethical failing (and not a great statement about him as a parent), and I have major concerns for the LW about what else he might just conveniently forget to mention.

"Travels a lot for work," under these circumstances, puts my hackles up.

And, yes, LW needs to be prepared to be a single parent, if she procreates with him.

[laurajv]

YES. I've known people -- not romantic partners but enough friends -- where I found out some considerable time into my friendship with them about a former marriage (or more than one) -- mostly through it just not being a big presence in their lives. But the kids....the only people who I found out years into knowing them about their kids were people who were absent and/or terrible parents.

[petra]

Ex-wives he hasn't mentioned are not necessarily deal breakers; the way he treats his children is a major red flag. LW may desperately want to be with someone, but this is probably not the right someone.

[nineveh_uk]

Is she dating Boris Johnson?

[full_metal_ox]

At least it isn’t Henry the Eighth.

[movingfinger]

Forgetting to mention an entire ex-family with children is not an accident or the sign of a tremulous heart. Eleanor is far too wishy-washy with this one.

The economics of this setup is, he gets married, he fathers children (five so far), and then... supports them? How is he supporting five entire children and potentially making financial contributions to two other households to house them? Is he massively wealthy? Is he not making child support payments? Is he actually still married to at least one of them? Or someone else? What is this job that has him traveling so much? (And the perennial: Has she met his family and friends? Has she been included in family-and-friends social and holiday occasions?)

This guy is one of the worst potential partners LW could dig up and she should not have children with him (he has at least five already, his contribution to the gene pool is sufficient), should not marry him, and should delete and block him unless she wants to use him as cold-bloodedly as he intends to use her. Eleanor is full of hogwash here, wasting more of the LW's time with him.

[conuly]

An unmentioned ex-wife might not be a problem, but the unmentioned three teenagers most certainly are! That's a pretty fucking huge problem, actually.

[mrissa]

Oopsie doodle three entire people near the age of majority with personalities, hobbies, and interests just slipped my mind

despite my being their actual progenitor

silly little old me