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Annie's Mailbox: My Wife is Having Hot flashes and Wants Me to Put On a Sweater
Dear Annie: For the past year, my wife, "Janie," has been getting hot flashes. She is always broiling in the house while the rest of the family freezes. She insists on keeping the temperature at 70, while the rest of us are most comfortable at 74. She recently purchased warm slippers for everyone and suggested we wear long sleeves.
Annie, I like to wear T-shirts and walk barefoot. I work long hours, and when I come home, I like to shed most of my clothes. I pay the mortgage and should not be freezing in my own home. Our family doctor said the hot flashes could last for years. I say she is disrespectful to all of us. She says I am insensitive. We are at an impasse.
I found out she is looking for an apartment. I love my wife and beg you to help us before it's too late. — Upstate New York Where It's 20 Degrees Outside
Dear New York: You think you're uncomfortable? Imagine how your wife feels with an internal thermostat that periodically sets her on fire. The U.S. Dept. of Energy recommends that your home thermostat be set at 68 degrees in winter (78 degrees in summer). You can warm up more easily than your wife can cool down.
We recommend a compromise. You offer to be comfortable in sweats if she will speak to her doctor about medication to control her hot flashes or visit a health food store for more natural remedies. A pair of slippers and some hot cocoa seems a small price to pay to save your marriage.
Annie, I like to wear T-shirts and walk barefoot. I work long hours, and when I come home, I like to shed most of my clothes. I pay the mortgage and should not be freezing in my own home. Our family doctor said the hot flashes could last for years. I say she is disrespectful to all of us. She says I am insensitive. We are at an impasse.
I found out she is looking for an apartment. I love my wife and beg you to help us before it's too late. — Upstate New York Where It's 20 Degrees Outside
Dear New York: You think you're uncomfortable? Imagine how your wife feels with an internal thermostat that periodically sets her on fire. The U.S. Dept. of Energy recommends that your home thermostat be set at 68 degrees in winter (78 degrees in summer). You can warm up more easily than your wife can cool down.
We recommend a compromise. You offer to be comfortable in sweats if she will speak to her doctor about medication to control her hot flashes or visit a health food store for more natural remedies. A pair of slippers and some hot cocoa seems a small price to pay to save your marriage.
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(And I am *very much* saying this as someone who has breathing problems that are exacerbated by cold, and who has Reynaud's syndrome, and terrible thermoregulation more generally, and whose mental health is very tied to whether they are warm enough. In practice what this means is that I am frequently wearing two jumpers around the house while my partner, with a testosterone-dominated endocrine system, is in shirtsleeves -- and that if we're sharing a bed we have one duvet and I get to leach warmth, and if I am sleeping by myself I have 4. Compromise is possible! Etc.)
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given that LW is unwilling to put on socks or even a long sleeve shirt in an upstate New York winter, and thinks that's reasonable, I can only think that the LW's goal was "Annie, write a response that I can show to my wife to tell her she is being an unreasonable lady with unreasonable lady parts."
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I wave my mother-in-law in your general direction*
2. The LW is a jackass.
3. I went through something similar with my Arizona-raised spouse during our first Midwest winter. He kept walking around in boxers and a t-shirt and complaining about how cold it was. I bought him a robe and slippers for Christmas. Then we moved into a 100-year-old house that just can't be made completely warm in winter, and he got the message.
4. I am working on not assuming gender, but this whole letter, especially the "I pay the mortgage," reeks of male privilege.
5. 70? LW is complaining about 70? See #2.
*That's her in the icon.
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Also, I think Annie might have missed the lede, though tbf LW did bury it.
I found out she is looking for an apartment.
This has gone way beyond a dispute about the thermostat that can be resolved through compromise.
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I can't imagine a good result from telling someone "I love you, but that doesn't mean I'm willing to put on a sweater even when you're at the point of looking for another place to live because I keep the house too hot for you."
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This is a self-created problem if ever I heard one. I'm putting the odds that this isn't the LW's only display of rank entitlement close to 100%.
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oooooh boy
*fume*
I am admittedly coming at this from the perspective of being the person who is always Too Warm, and I fucking loathe sweating and being purple while everyone else is comfortable. Not only is it uncomfortable, it's humiliating.
To the LW: Give your wife the goddamn aircon remote control, put on a hoodie, and harden the fuck up.
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