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Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband, “Paul,” is around 10 years older than his sister, “Hallie.” He always doted on her and was super involved in her life when she was very little, but pulled away when he went to college and met me. Hallie has never gotten over this.
She acts less like a little sister and more like a jealous ex. She demands that her brother pay attention to her, will physically get between us if we are cuddling on the couch, and brings up bizarre slights (like he didn’t attend her fourteenth birthday party or missed her choir performance). We live four hours away. When Hallie is disappointed or hurt, Paul always makes it up to her by giving her some one-on-one time. This is maddening to me. Seriously, aren’t we allowed to have a life that isn’t centered on a teenage girl’s schedule?
Hallie turned 17 last month. My husband was supposed to make the drive down for her party, but I got violently ill that day. My husband took me to the ER and we never made it to Hallie’s birthday party. Well, it turns out I am pregnant. Hallie responded to this news by screaming at her brother, accusing me of lying, and just wanting her gone—out of our lives for good. Honestly, at this point, I genuinely do. I am tired of being the bigger person. Hallie isn’t a baby, and treating her like one has only made her worse. Paul and Hallie lost their mom when Hallie was 3 years old and she never really bonded with their stepmom, though the woman is fine—she and I have a lovely, civil relationship. But Hallie dislikes her: She is as possessive of her dad as she is of her big brother.
Lord knows, I have tried to get along with her. I put her in my wedding party and then had to listen to her sulk and whine about how everything was stupid. She was 13 then, but things have gotten no better in the four years since. This should be a happy time for me, and instead, it is just Hallie time all the time. I understand that she needs therapy; I can’t force her to get some. But I do think my husband needs to make his pregnant wife his first priority (maybe that makes me terrible?). I need some perspective, please.
—About Hallie
Dear About Hallie,
Here’s some perspective: Hallie was a toddler when her mother died—a terrible loss, one that has marked her for life. If she never bonded with the woman her father married, it means that she spent her childhood (which is only a few years behind her) motherless. It’s irrelevant, by the way, that you consider the stepmother to be “fine,” or that your relationship with her is civil (fine/civil—if indeed that was the case for her and Hallie—is a low bar for a stepmother-child relationship). It sounds like her big brother was a stabilizing and loving presence in her life in the years after their mother’s death—until he left for college when she was only around 8 years old. If she is still deeply attached to him, this seems to me perfectly understandable. If she wants him to be present at important milestones in her life—well, who can blame her?
It would seem that her big brother makes every effort to remain connected to her, despite the decade that has passed since he left home, the four hours’ distance geographically, and his marriage. Because they share a history that predates you, because he loves her and her well-being matters to him, because he knows she needs him. It seems to me that what you want is not (as you claim) to be his first priority: You want to be his only priority. This is never going to happen—and I don’t think it should. When we grow up, if we choose to marry, we don’t sever the ties that are meaningful to us, in service to the marriage (or, if we do, we are making a terrible mistake). I wish you’d been able to be more generous to Hallie from the git-go—that you’d understood her relationship with your then-boyfriend better, that you’d realized that marrying him meant you’d become Hallie’s big sister. She was a little girl when you and Paul started dating! A little girl whose adored older brother had just moved out, whose mother was dead, whose father (I’m guessing—you haven’t given me a timeline) had a new partner who was not fulfilling a motherly role for her. I’m going to guess that from the start, when you and Paul were around Hallie, you made no effort to include her or make her feel loved. (If you had, I can’t imagine you wouldn’t say so in your letter.) You say you’ve tried with Hallie—but the example you offer is that you let her be in your wedding party. That’s too little, too late in these circumstances.
So that’s the perspective I can offer you. And it seems pretty clear to me that if you force your husband to choose between you and his sister, so that he has no choice but to abandon her (for real, this time), you are making a grave mistake. Not just because Hallie obviously needs him but because he wants to be there for her. He may never forgive you for this.
Is Hallie, at 17, sometimes behaving childishly? Yes, she is. Screaming at you—having a tantrum about your pregnancy—is a sign of a pretty significant emotional delay. And yeah, sure, she should be in therapy (Paul could certainly suggest this, to her and to their father). This young woman has had a rough go of it. If you can find it in yourself to open your heart—to make a genuine effort, now, not only to facilitate Paul’s connection to her but also to make your own connection with her, and to think ahead about her connection to the baby you and Paul are having—I expect that things will go more smoothly over the years and decades ahead. She’s going to be your child’s aunt. Instead of cutting her out of your family, try cutting her in. Paul will be grateful. And I bet your future children will, too.
—Michelle
Link
My husband, “Paul,” is around 10 years older than his sister, “Hallie.” He always doted on her and was super involved in her life when she was very little, but pulled away when he went to college and met me. Hallie has never gotten over this.
She acts less like a little sister and more like a jealous ex. She demands that her brother pay attention to her, will physically get between us if we are cuddling on the couch, and brings up bizarre slights (like he didn’t attend her fourteenth birthday party or missed her choir performance). We live four hours away. When Hallie is disappointed or hurt, Paul always makes it up to her by giving her some one-on-one time. This is maddening to me. Seriously, aren’t we allowed to have a life that isn’t centered on a teenage girl’s schedule?
Hallie turned 17 last month. My husband was supposed to make the drive down for her party, but I got violently ill that day. My husband took me to the ER and we never made it to Hallie’s birthday party. Well, it turns out I am pregnant. Hallie responded to this news by screaming at her brother, accusing me of lying, and just wanting her gone—out of our lives for good. Honestly, at this point, I genuinely do. I am tired of being the bigger person. Hallie isn’t a baby, and treating her like one has only made her worse. Paul and Hallie lost their mom when Hallie was 3 years old and she never really bonded with their stepmom, though the woman is fine—she and I have a lovely, civil relationship. But Hallie dislikes her: She is as possessive of her dad as she is of her big brother.
Lord knows, I have tried to get along with her. I put her in my wedding party and then had to listen to her sulk and whine about how everything was stupid. She was 13 then, but things have gotten no better in the four years since. This should be a happy time for me, and instead, it is just Hallie time all the time. I understand that she needs therapy; I can’t force her to get some. But I do think my husband needs to make his pregnant wife his first priority (maybe that makes me terrible?). I need some perspective, please.
—About Hallie
Dear About Hallie,
Here’s some perspective: Hallie was a toddler when her mother died—a terrible loss, one that has marked her for life. If she never bonded with the woman her father married, it means that she spent her childhood (which is only a few years behind her) motherless. It’s irrelevant, by the way, that you consider the stepmother to be “fine,” or that your relationship with her is civil (fine/civil—if indeed that was the case for her and Hallie—is a low bar for a stepmother-child relationship). It sounds like her big brother was a stabilizing and loving presence in her life in the years after their mother’s death—until he left for college when she was only around 8 years old. If she is still deeply attached to him, this seems to me perfectly understandable. If she wants him to be present at important milestones in her life—well, who can blame her?
It would seem that her big brother makes every effort to remain connected to her, despite the decade that has passed since he left home, the four hours’ distance geographically, and his marriage. Because they share a history that predates you, because he loves her and her well-being matters to him, because he knows she needs him. It seems to me that what you want is not (as you claim) to be his first priority: You want to be his only priority. This is never going to happen—and I don’t think it should. When we grow up, if we choose to marry, we don’t sever the ties that are meaningful to us, in service to the marriage (or, if we do, we are making a terrible mistake). I wish you’d been able to be more generous to Hallie from the git-go—that you’d understood her relationship with your then-boyfriend better, that you’d realized that marrying him meant you’d become Hallie’s big sister. She was a little girl when you and Paul started dating! A little girl whose adored older brother had just moved out, whose mother was dead, whose father (I’m guessing—you haven’t given me a timeline) had a new partner who was not fulfilling a motherly role for her. I’m going to guess that from the start, when you and Paul were around Hallie, you made no effort to include her or make her feel loved. (If you had, I can’t imagine you wouldn’t say so in your letter.) You say you’ve tried with Hallie—but the example you offer is that you let her be in your wedding party. That’s too little, too late in these circumstances.
So that’s the perspective I can offer you. And it seems pretty clear to me that if you force your husband to choose between you and his sister, so that he has no choice but to abandon her (for real, this time), you are making a grave mistake. Not just because Hallie obviously needs him but because he wants to be there for her. He may never forgive you for this.
Is Hallie, at 17, sometimes behaving childishly? Yes, she is. Screaming at you—having a tantrum about your pregnancy—is a sign of a pretty significant emotional delay. And yeah, sure, she should be in therapy (Paul could certainly suggest this, to her and to their father). This young woman has had a rough go of it. If you can find it in yourself to open your heart—to make a genuine effort, now, not only to facilitate Paul’s connection to her but also to make your own connection with her, and to think ahead about her connection to the baby you and Paul are having—I expect that things will go more smoothly over the years and decades ahead. She’s going to be your child’s aunt. Instead of cutting her out of your family, try cutting her in. Paul will be grateful. And I bet your future children will, too.
—Michelle
Link
no subject
LW can't force Hallie to go to therapy. LW can, however, insist on her husband going to therapy with her, because this is certainly not a Hallie-only problem in his family.
no subject
But I feel like C&F makes a huge leap in saying that if the LW had tried to include Hallie she'd have said so--the wedding party inclusion could easily be an example in LW's mind rather than the whole of her behavior toward Hallie. Also, "important milestones" and "choir concerts" being so thoroughly conflated gives me pause--of course she will want her brother around for important milestones! My godkids and niblings want us around for important milestones, too! But "it's our second choir concert of the fall semester, there will be more in the spring" sure is not an important milestone.
C&F also is making a huge leap in assuming that Paul wants things to be this way rather than wanting his sister to be okay and not having a clear picture of how to get there. Because I have a couple of 17yos in my life, and either of them throwing a screaming fit and accusing a pregnant person of lying about their pregnancy for missing their birthday party is indeed pretty significant emotional delay. That's not a minor issue in this letter. That's the whole issue. That's a situation where all four family adults (dad, stepmom, LW, Paul) need to sit down and say, what are we doing to get this kid help, stat. This is now past the level of problem that fixes itself.
I feel like sometimes we get caught up in someone having been annoying in the past, and I'm sure it was annoying to have a 13yo saying that her bridesmaid dress sucked. But a 17yo is at that tricky "almost a grown up but crucially still NOT A GROWN-UP" stage where if you see that she is doing this badly you are obliged to help her. This is not just "annoying, but more so." This is "badly in need of help AND AT A STAGE WHERE YOU CAN AND SHOULD GIVE IT."
no subject
THIS, THIS, THIS.
LW doesn't come across as terribly compassionate, and may have been shitty, but something is very wrong in Hallie's world, and this is a situation where professional help needs to come in.
I would also be deeply concerned, in LW's shoes, at this level of reaction to something that was a medical emergency for LW, and Hallie's response to the news of her pregnancy.
LW's wife isn't Hallie's parent, and their father allowing parentification of his young tween/teen son is part of the problem, TBH.
no subject
Except Paul may have to choose once the baby arrives: between Hallie and his own child. Because if Hallie's current behaviour continues unaddressed, she could pose a real risk to the baby. Hallie needs to start therapy ASAP, and so do Paul and LW to work out their issues about Hallie.
no subject
no subject
I was somewhat sympathetic to LW until I saw Hallies age I totally do not think teenagers get A Free Pass but this kids pain radiates out of even an unsympathetic account
Maybe it’s because when I was young I dated a poly guy who used his family as bait, but I always thought that when considering making a family with someone one has to consider the rest of their family.
On LW’s defense she is pregnant. That is Hard and I can u derstabd wanting to know her husband backs her up. But she isn’t the only person in his life