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Dear Care and Feeding,
My 14-year-old daughter, “Molly,” is pretty anxious and has a tough time making friends, so she’s really close to the friends she does have.
One of her friends, “Tim,” has been battling cancer. He’s taken a leave of absence this year to undergo treatment due to the amount of time he’d have to be out of school. He’s expecting to be done with treatment by the start of the summer, and he has tutors to help him stay on target for continuing school next year. My wife and I are very proud of how considerate and compassionate Molly has been with Tim. Molly has been crying a lot and has been generally very emotional at home but is always there for Tim when he needs it and tries not to let a lot of her worries show. We’ve gotten calls several times from Tim’s mom just to tell us how wonderful Molly is and how happy she is that Molly and Tim are friends.
However, I think Molly may be going a bit too far. Her grades are slipping dramatically—to where she’s at risk of failing French and algebra—because she’s spending certain class periods on her phone the whole time, texting Tim, or she isn’t getting any schoolwork done because she’s spending the afternoons with her other friends at the hospital or at Tim’s house, visiting him, or just Facetiming him. I want to limit Molly’s visits so that she’ll have time to focus on her schoolwork, but my wife thinks that’s cruel. We’ve talked to Molly about keeping her grades up, but she just dismisses us. I think, having known Tim for some years now, that Tim is a wonderful kid, very thoughtful and kind, and if he knew that Molly was throwing away her education to spend time with him, he’d be upset too. We’ve tried that angle with Molly as well; it hasn’t worked, and I don’t want to interfere in my daughter’s friendships in that way. How can we support Molly through supporting her friend while making sure she prioritizes herself?
—Hate to Be the Bad Guy, But …
Dear Hate to Be the Bad Guy,
I think there are a few different things you can do to thread this needle. The first is to call the school and see what options Molly has if she does indeed fail these classes (summer school, independent study, etc.) and whether there would be any extenuating circumstances they’d consider granting her. The second is to have a heart-to-heart with Tim’s mom where you affirm unequivocally that you want Molly to keep supporting Tim through his treatment but that you’re going to try a little course correction with Molly regarding school, and you don’t want Tim to be hurt or confused. Tread carefully here: Tim’s problems are way bigger than algebra, and you don’t want to give the wrong impression, but you can learn a lot from Tim’s mom about what Tim needs and how to adjust Molly’s time in a way that isn’t detrimental. Keep those conversations to yourself—it could backfire if Molly feels you went behind her back on a fact-finding mission. This is just a way for you to be more informed.
Then, involve Molly in a collaborative conversation about how to move forward. The book 14 Talks by Age 14 provides a great formula you can follow. In this conversation, underscore that Tim is allowed to be Molly’s priority but not to the detriment of everything else. Also emphasize that you don’t need her to be on the honor roll—you just need her to pass her classes. The 14 Talks formula will guide you through a conversation style where she can suggest ways to address the problem and you respond, eventually getting to a place where you reach a consensus.
A lot of this really isn’t about algebra at all; it’s about helping Molly learn to make decisions that align with both her morals and her needs. How can she show up for a friend in a time of need while still taking care of herself? It’s a scenario she will face many times in her adult life. If you and she can keep that goal in mind, I hope you’ll find a path forward that everyone is comfortable with. Good luck to you all and to Tim.
Link
My 14-year-old daughter, “Molly,” is pretty anxious and has a tough time making friends, so she’s really close to the friends she does have.
One of her friends, “Tim,” has been battling cancer. He’s taken a leave of absence this year to undergo treatment due to the amount of time he’d have to be out of school. He’s expecting to be done with treatment by the start of the summer, and he has tutors to help him stay on target for continuing school next year. My wife and I are very proud of how considerate and compassionate Molly has been with Tim. Molly has been crying a lot and has been generally very emotional at home but is always there for Tim when he needs it and tries not to let a lot of her worries show. We’ve gotten calls several times from Tim’s mom just to tell us how wonderful Molly is and how happy she is that Molly and Tim are friends.
However, I think Molly may be going a bit too far. Her grades are slipping dramatically—to where she’s at risk of failing French and algebra—because she’s spending certain class periods on her phone the whole time, texting Tim, or she isn’t getting any schoolwork done because she’s spending the afternoons with her other friends at the hospital or at Tim’s house, visiting him, or just Facetiming him. I want to limit Molly’s visits so that she’ll have time to focus on her schoolwork, but my wife thinks that’s cruel. We’ve talked to Molly about keeping her grades up, but she just dismisses us. I think, having known Tim for some years now, that Tim is a wonderful kid, very thoughtful and kind, and if he knew that Molly was throwing away her education to spend time with him, he’d be upset too. We’ve tried that angle with Molly as well; it hasn’t worked, and I don’t want to interfere in my daughter’s friendships in that way. How can we support Molly through supporting her friend while making sure she prioritizes herself?
—Hate to Be the Bad Guy, But …
Dear Hate to Be the Bad Guy,
I think there are a few different things you can do to thread this needle. The first is to call the school and see what options Molly has if she does indeed fail these classes (summer school, independent study, etc.) and whether there would be any extenuating circumstances they’d consider granting her. The second is to have a heart-to-heart with Tim’s mom where you affirm unequivocally that you want Molly to keep supporting Tim through his treatment but that you’re going to try a little course correction with Molly regarding school, and you don’t want Tim to be hurt or confused. Tread carefully here: Tim’s problems are way bigger than algebra, and you don’t want to give the wrong impression, but you can learn a lot from Tim’s mom about what Tim needs and how to adjust Molly’s time in a way that isn’t detrimental. Keep those conversations to yourself—it could backfire if Molly feels you went behind her back on a fact-finding mission. This is just a way for you to be more informed.
Then, involve Molly in a collaborative conversation about how to move forward. The book 14 Talks by Age 14 provides a great formula you can follow. In this conversation, underscore that Tim is allowed to be Molly’s priority but not to the detriment of everything else. Also emphasize that you don’t need her to be on the honor roll—you just need her to pass her classes. The 14 Talks formula will guide you through a conversation style where she can suggest ways to address the problem and you respond, eventually getting to a place where you reach a consensus.
A lot of this really isn’t about algebra at all; it’s about helping Molly learn to make decisions that align with both her morals and her needs. How can she show up for a friend in a time of need while still taking care of herself? It’s a scenario she will face many times in her adult life. If you and she can keep that goal in mind, I hope you’ll find a path forward that everyone is comfortable with. Good luck to you all and to Tim.
Link
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First of all, Tim is likely going to have to repeat some classes or the entire year, because he has a serious illness, he's missing a lot of school, and both chemo and radiation can screw with your cognitive abilities. And you know what? It's okay if he has to make up a year, because his health comes first. It's not ideal, but lots of American children end up having to repeat one year of school, or taking summer school. And lots of them end up repeating because a close family member had a serious illness such as cancer, it was stressful, and they only had the mental energy for some things - and those things didn't necessarily include academics. Repeating one year is not the end of the world.
While I agree that Molly shouldn't be texting Tim in class and should probably try to set aside *some* time for homework, the truth is that taking away her phone and banning visits wouldn't help. She'd just be sad and worried and she either still wouldn't be doing her work or her work wouldn't be very good. You can force her to have the time to do her schoolwork, but you can't actually make her focus on her schoolwork.
But look what else LW says about Molly, straight from the start - she's "pretty anxious and has a tough time making friends". She's been "crying a lot". Molly does not need tutoring, and she doesn't need to be told to focus on her academics. She needs... I'm gonna say a support group? Which is something the hospital social workers or her school guidance counselor should be able to recommend to her parents. And depending on how serious that anxiety is she may also benefit from an evaluation by a psychiatrist. It's one thing to be anxious because your friend has cancer. It's another to be anxious all the time, to the point where it's the first thing people say about you.
Just like Tim's physical wellbeing comes before his grades, Molly's mental health must come before her grades. I'm not entirely sure, from reading this letter, that LW and Wife are really on the ball there. Boundaries need to be set for her mental health - the grades are not as important as she is.
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Teenagers don’t need mental health support! That’s just made up! They need to ignore distractions like gravely ill friends and focus on their one and only ever opportunity to get an education! It’s now or absolutely never! No second chances!
… ugh what happened I think I channeled my high school college office for a moment there…
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Heck, even dropping out is not necessarily an insurmountable obstacle, though I'd certainly advise people to try to avoid letting things get that far.
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