Dear Abby: Man Insists on Supporting Ex-Girfriend's Child

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I've been with my husband for five years, but we've been married only for a year. He told me a few months ago that his ex-girlfriend said he is the father of her child. We did a home DNA test and it showed he is not the father. In spite of that, my husband insists he still wants to take care of the child. I don't know what to do. Please help. -- THROWN IN NEW YORK

DEAR THROWN: It appears that what your husband wants is to maintain a close tie to the child's mother, because that is what will happen if he takes financial responsibility for her child. Tell your husband you want to discuss this with the help of a professional mediator, preferably a marriage counselor. If he refuses, talk to an attorney because you may be needing one.

Comments

[cereta]

1. Do not read the comments at Abby's site. Yes, I know that's a given.

2. Something is hinky, here. My mind, marinated in decades of mystery novels, has all kinds of scenarios (I genuinely wonder if the kid is not actually his, and they faked the DNA test to placate the wife somehow, but see above re: mystery novels), but suffice to say: something is hinky here.

3. The LW needs to drag her husband to a lawyer post-haste, even before a marriage counselor. Depending on state laws, if he begins paying child support, or for heaven's sake signs something, he may find himself more legally entangled than he intends. Or maybe he does intend, and this is a way of having a "marriage" with the ex, which is something his wife should know. See #2.

I love when you have a perfect icon

[jadelennox]

If he took a DNA test, I assume he *has* slept with the ex-girlfriend in the last five years? This is so confusing.

Re: I love when you have a perfect icon

[cereta]

Unless the child is older than five.

[redbird]

What jumped out at me is that it was a home DNA test, and that "we" (presumably meaning the LW and her husband). Based on a quick google, how accurate that is depends on things including how thorough the test is (how many loci are compared), what lab is used (thoroughness and training of the people doing the comparison), and how well the person doing the at-home part can follow directions.

There might also be consent issues here; willingness to pay child support doesn't mean the LW's husband can consent to testing on the child's behalf, and he certainly couldn't on the mother's behalf. But I am not a lawyer etc.

Or, if we're looking for places that it might be hinky, "we" signifies LW plus at least one other person&mdashl;maybe she got a bit of the child's hair, sent her old roommate to the store, and ran the test without the consent of either parent. Or she and her friend switched in a sample from someone who is known not to be related to her husband, who of course wouldn't be reported as his child.

I agree with cereta that something is weird here, and that it's odd that Abby isn't even considering the possibility that the man genuinely wants to do the right thing, because the child was conceived during their relationship and he agreed to take care of his then-partner.

The absence of any timeline means room for all sorts of possibilities, such as that the child was born three years a few months after the father and his ex broke up, and before the LW met him. Or that the relationships overlapped such that the man in question feels guilty for cheating on his then-girlfriend with his now-wife.

[xenacryst]

Lacking basic info.

What kind of current relationship do husband and ex have? (Are we talking acrimonious throwing-things break up or I love you but it's just not going to work parting? Is ex part of their lives or quite removed?)

Age of kid? How long has this been building? What does the kid want (if old enough to express a preference)?

Level of general and legal intelligence and cluefulness of husband/ex/LW? Like, do any of them know what the potential ramifications are? Is anyone likely to be playing anyone else?

All I can do is say "look out for number one" here, but saying *how* to do that would be assuming so many things.