agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Care and Feeding,

My older brother, “Ethan,” is 23 and in grad school getting his Ph.D. He is autistic, is really anxious, and doesn’t make friends easily. Ethan signed a lease on an apartment in November for the fall 2024–25 school year with his friend “Sam,” who turned out to be a girl. I think she could easily be described as his platonic female best friend. Ethan and Sam are clearly very close, and she is also clearly very shy and anxious too. They could be dating, I guess, but they’ve both denied it, and I have no reason to believe he’s lying. (Ethan has told me before that he thinks he’s asexual.)

Our mom is freaking out over the possibility of Ethan moving in with a girlfriend, which I find funny because they know that my dorm is across the hall from my actual boyfriend’s. Ethan got diagnosed with autism only a few years ago, but ever since we were kids, our parents, especially our mom, have been much more protective of him because he is different. She keeps badgering him to change his mind or get him to cancel the lease or even stay at home and commute an hour each way. He keeps refusing, but both of them are pretty stubborn. (Ethan and I have long believed that our mom is also autistic.)

I know this will make for an awkward Easter (the next time we’re all at home together) if they keep arguing about this. I want to take Ethan’s side. I know that constantly arguing with our mom about this will make his mental health even worse, and our dad is doing everything in his power to stay out of it. I’m struggling to find ways to support my brother without upsetting my mom. She doesn’t have a coherent argument as to why it’s bad for my brother to move in with a female friend. Sam’s parents are apparently all right with it (not that that would matter either). I’m the only one standing up for my brother, which he’s said he appreciates. (Our other sibling isn’t responding to anything.)

—Supportive Sister

Dear Supportive,

I think you need to talk to your dad and figure out a game plan. His wife is spiraling with worry, which is causing her son a lot of stress that he might not be equipped to handle. I understand that she might be concerned for his safety (physical or emotional), but by perseverating on this issue and suggesting he abandon his roommate, she’s adding stress to and removing social opportunities from her son—the exact things he’s struggled with over the years. She needs to hear it framed that way; as her partner, your dad might be able to get through in a way that you cannot.

The world can be a challenging place for autistic people, and it’s natural for a parent to worry that their child might not be equipped to face these challenges. But, your mom cannot expect Ethan to remain in her “protection” forever. Now is the perfect time—while he’s still in school and relatively close by—to take some leaps of faith and allow him to fledge a bit.

Perhaps one way you can help is by visiting Ethan often at his place; it sounds as if you might live close enough. Just go up there and hang out periodically, or if you are too far away, do some Zoom calls or online gaming with him and Sam—things where you get a sense of their dynamic. Your mom might get peace of mind knowing you’re “on alert” for any drama, but more importantly, you’d get to continue forging an adult relationship with your sibling, which is a new adventure in itself.

I’d also ask Ethan what he wants or needs ahead of Easter. Ask him how you can help and be prepared to follow through. It sounds like Ethan really relies on you as an ally in all this. I’m not sure you will be able to talk your mom out of spiraling, but I do know you can give him consistency and support. That might be enough for now.

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I'm not sure if LW is living at home or not, which would change my advice a little. Nevertheless, it's not her job to manage her mom's feelings. And it's also not her job to protect her brother's mental health. Ethan is a grown man, who is supporting himself while getting a PhD, and his mental health is officially his responsibility.

LW seems to be taking way too much responsibility about this family argument - this absolutely ludicrous family argument, because she's right, Ethan can make his own decisions - and I'm not sure she realizes that. No wonder everybody else in the family is doing their best to utterly check out of this conversation, it's clearly the best way to handle Mom.

So with that said, here is the line I perfected on my mother, which is a little catty but in her case (and LW's mom's case) very true: "Well, this is all very interesting but I can't discuss it with you. I think it's something you should bring up with your therapist."

If LW lives at home and feels it would be unwise to engage in quite this level of provocation then she should try a script more like this: "Mom, I know that this situation has triggered some strong feelings with you, but sometimes the way things feel is not the way they are. Just because it feels bad does not mean it is bad. Ethan is an adult, and he's going to make his own choices and his own mistakes. If you don't drop this then sooner or later he might choose to stop talking to you entirely. If that's what you want, do what you want - but you're going to have to leave me out of it."

Edited 2024-02-27 21:26 (UTC)

It’s it that LW is responsible for any one’s mental health but if I were her I’d want to make sure Ethan knows I support and agree with him.

No, I get it, but you can call him up and sympathize with the fact that Mom's overbearing and ridiculous without having to find a delicate way to tell that to Mom - whether that means not arguing with Mom at all or telling her to her face what you really think.

takes notes

Cell phones are amazing for that, by the way. My sister and I would sometimes text each other while sitting with our mother to express how amazingly out of line she was when we didn't feel like saying it to her. And my mother and I did that too, sometimes, if she had a sucky roommate in a hospital and yet that roommate was not quite deaf enough that we could talk shit about them aloud. (No joke, my life got a lot easier and more pleasant when I realized I could redirect my mother's hospital anxiety towards making fun of the other patients rather than getting pissy at me. We used to laugh so much, and sometimes I feel kinda bad about it but other times I feel "you gotta do what you gotta do" about it.)

Allying with family against the world! (if only to get Mom to snark at people who won't hear her instead of those who must listen)

the answer ignores a lot of dynamics, including that the LW is still living in a dorm and therefore likely to be dependent on the parents financially, so possibly unable to do much without risking their safety/housing/education. It doesn't sound like their mother can be reasoned with and their father has decided not to get involved, which the answer also ignores -- what kind of game plan can you make, exactly, with someone doing "everything in his power to stay out of it"?

tbh the Letter Writer and Ethan both need some advice on how to grey rock their mother, not advice on how to run around trying to assuage her anxiety (LW) and continuing to argue with her (Ethan).

This.

Grey rock and also a hard stare at the dad for not intervening or at least redirecting that anxiety.

Oh yeah, dad is super responsible! But it does sound like arguing with him would be a waste of time.

"Grey rock." I have added a new weapon to my dealing-with-family arsenal.

may it serve you well

Am I the only one who feels like LW needs to get real comfortable with things being awkward with her mom, because this is going to happen again?

Her brother is doing fine. He's going into grad school, he's signed a lease with a friend, a lot of anxious autistic people do great and her brother is one of them. Her mother can get on board that train or be the main problem in his life, her call. But basically, brother is holding firm on his adult life decisions, and there's nothing in the letter that says "I'm afraid she'll withhold rent money, which he relies on" or "she could take him off their health insurance, which he needs" or anything like that. Just: Mom is yammering at brother. So don't treat it like an argument between two people who have equal stakes, treat it like one adult who has made reasonable decisions and is following through on them and one adult who is acting like an emotional Pomeranian yapping around his heels.

This is not about LW's brother being autistic. The autism is a total red herring here. This is about the transition between "I am the parent and therefore in charge of what happens in this person's life" and "this person is in charge of what happens in their own life, and I am not used to being in a purely advisory role if that--and I am NOT taking it well."

Yes.

I agree. This is about a mother failing to adapt to the idea of her adult son having a roommate, not about autism.

Yeah, autism might affect the character of the argument (e.g., the way in which they talk past each other), but not the essentials - those could perfectly well happen anyway.