agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend just started his first year of college. We have been together for about a year and a half. He isn't super far away, but his mom is restricting us from seeing each other "too often." Every time I go to visit him, I pay for my own train ticket. I don't really think my visiting him is affecting her in any way. We both want to be respectful of her and her wishes, but when it's possible to see him, I'd like to be able to.

A relationship is hard to maintain seeing each other only once a month. He does come home for breaks and some weekends, which I am grateful for. I just don't feel she should be making those choices for us. I want to communicate to her about this, but I don't want to seem disrespectful or rude. What should I do? -- THREE IS A CROWD

DEAR THREE: Your boyfriend's mother wants to be sure her son concentrates on his education with as few distractions as possible. She may also be fearful that the two of you are becoming intimate before you are mature enough to manage the consequences. If you are smart, you will refrain from having the discussion you are contemplating. If the visitation schedule is too restrictive, your boyfriend is the person who should talk to his mother about it.

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LW, if your adult or nearly-adult boyfriend who does not live at home is letting his mom control his social life then you need to seriously reconsider this relationship.

I get that teenage adults are in this weird liminal state where they're adults but they also are very dependent on their parents - but he doesn't live at home. How does his mom even know if his girlfriend has visited without him telling her? And if he's telling his mother who's visiting him then even at this age that doesn't really bode well for this relationship. Either he's not mature enough for a long-distance relationship or he's really not that into her.

I had friends who, during college, lived in a room in a house owned by family friends or lived with their other parent/other relative who was close to college (the college was chosen based on the proximity of housing with family being available). If this kid is in that situation, he wouldn’t have to say anything to his mom, because the other parent or family friend is keeping an eye on things.

Some parents can be really restrictive even on young adult kids, and living with a family friend or other relative is the compromise the kid has to accept in order to move out without irreparably harming their relationship with their parent. Based on the mom’s level of control here, it wouldn’t surprise me if it’s that kind of a situation. But I have no way of knowing for sure based on the letter.

I suppose. But if that's the case then, again, I'd recommend LW reconsider this relationship, because LW does not seem to understand the situation and... well, it's not going to improve on its own. If LW's boyfriend does not have an exit plan then that's one problem, and if he does then LW needs to be on board with how he's managing his toxic family.

I read this and think ... where is the boyfriend in this? Is he upset? Why isn't he talking to his mom about this? LW should get out now.

Or if he can't talk to his mom about it then he needs to explain that to LW. One or the other, but right now it looks like he's okay with the situation as is? And he should not be okay with it!