agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My 32-year-old brother is finally getting married, but I don't like his bride. I know that his life isn't mine, so I should mind my business. However, I care about my brother and don't want to see his life get messed up because of his bride-to-be.

My biggest issue is that she doesn't seem to genuinely love my brother. I notice it in her body language and facial expressions when she's around him. This leads me to believe she is in this relationship for his money and eventual status. My brother is an investment banker who is doing well at his company, and there are no limits his career prospects. He has already told her that when she has kids, she won't need to go back to work if she doesn't want to. It seems she is going after the life that he can give her as opposed to him. I am really sad about this. I want to tell him my feelings, but it seems extremely inappropriate and cliche to be the sister who is badmouthing his fiancee. Do you think I should say something or let my brother live his life how he wants? -- Protecting My Brother

DEAR PROTECTING MY BROTHER: You are in an extremely tough situation. When people are in love, they don't often see anything negative about their partner, so anything you say may not be heard. You may want to ask your brother if he and his fiancee have a prenup. This is a jarring question that can lead to an uncomfortable conversation. If he asks why you would think such a thing, you can point out that you want him to protect himself. Tell him that you want nothing but the best for him, but knowing how many marriages end badly, you are just thinking ahead and wanting his assets to be protected.

You also have to accept that your brother wants to build a life with this woman, and it is completely his decision. He may be OK with providing for her in the ways you outlined. It may work.

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LW, your brother sees more of his fiancee than you do and surely knows her better. You're putting a *lot* of stock in your ability to read her body language and facial expressions, but in general, NTs aren't as good at that as they imagine - even when dealing with other NTs, and heaven forbid they try it with somebody who isn't. So butt out.

Sorry, what does NT mean in this instance? I only found "nice try" and the like.

Neurotypical, in this case usually meant to be "non-autistic person."

Thanks!

what is this soap opera malarkey?!

oh good pogoing christ
how about you butt out, let your brother live his life, and *if* things fall apart later, you can comfort him. otherwise, it's none of your business!

Great icon.

I'm pretty sure everyone has already said this to LW.

Stay the fuck out of it.

Not your horse, not your business. Your job is to be there for your brother as a sister and a support whatever his decisions.

I know that his life isn't mine, so I should mind my business, but I really want to tell him I think his fiancee is a gold-digger, so it's okay, right?

No!

But I REALLY want to!!!!!

Oh, well, okay then. Report back, let us know how it went! (Be sure to tell him in front of her for maximum effect!)

LW, are you Caroline Bingley?

this was my first reaction. who told her about advice columns

"You are in an extremely tough situation."

........

Harriette really looked at this letter and thought, gosh, I feel for this person, who definitely can tell for sure just by looking how much someone does or does not love someone else, because that's a real thing and not affected by things like neurotype, cultural differences, and whether they're terribly nervous about meeting their fiance's super-judgy family. The letter writer is truly the one suffering here.

You are in an extremely tough situation.

A better advice columnist (maybe the old Miss Manners?) would have followed this with:
You need to bite your tongue. It might be difficult, it might even be painful. There is a long tradition of people biting their tongues to protect people they care for as you claim to care for your brother. Do you want to drive him away from the family altogether, along with his wife and any children they might someday have?

Just so.

Have a very mind your own business day, LW!