I think we all know what's going on here

[conuly]

DEAR ABBY: I've always been close to my children, but now that they are adults, it seems I'm losing my connection with one of them. He married a girl of a different race, and while that doesn't bother me, I have a strong hunch she's the reason he has distanced himself from not only me, but also the rest of the family.

When I recently shared with him that I felt his wife is a bit of a busybody and had overstepped some boundaries, he told me he no longer wants a relationship with me. I don't think I said anything so bad that he'd totally remove himself from my or our lives, but I'm no longer going to try to force him to be a part of this family.

After I blocked his wife from social media (because she doesn't interact, but stalks and then reports back to him), he has blocked me. I'm usually good at dealing with conflict, but he's steadily drawing further and further away. I love all my children, but he needs to realize it's not ALL about his wife -- we're his family, too. I really need help with this one. -- ADULTS' MOM

DEAR ADULTS' MOM: Leaving your daughter-in-law and her race out of this for a moment, the situation you have described is one that sometimes happens when a son gets married. When that happens, the young man's allegiance switches from mom and family to his wife.

Your daughter-in-law reviewing your posts and discussing them with your son isn't outrageous, particularly if he isn't viewing them himself. Were you posting something she found hurtful or offensive? If the answer is no, you may have to accept that, for whatever reason, your son has decided to move in a different direction. If the answer is yes, offer an apology and see if it's possible to bury the hatchet.

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Comments

[conuly]

This isn't about Son's "allegiance" shifting so much as it is about the fact that LW absolutely said some horribly racist shit on social media, perhaps something specifically about DIL, and neither of them want to deal with this anymore.

LW, judging from this letter you're the sole reason your son wants nothing to do with you. And if you've infected his relationships with the rest of his family then shame on you.

[redbird]

That phrasing is interesting: I'm no longer going to try to force him to be a part of this family. Makes me wonder what she means by "trying to force him" and how long she pursued those techniques.

[conuly]

Honestly could mean literally anything from "I never did anything but whine about it to my friends and now I'll keep whining but saying I'm not gonna force him" to "I tried to sabotage their wedding and then I called child services on them and then I've sent him sad voicemails all hours of day and night plus flowers to his job and I don't know why they don't trust me!!!!"

[ashbet]

I caught that phrasing, too!!

[princessofgeeks]

The stuff that's left out is always the interesting part, innit?

[minoanmiss]

sings Missing reasons, missing reasons...

[shirou]

This letter provides no description of the daughter-in-law's behavior beyond social media "stalking," which probably consisted of normal following and reading.

There was no reason for LW to even mention her daughter-in-law's race. That she did so speaks volumes.

[conuly]

And frankly, we all know that if MIL was posting innocent stuff then it wouldn't matter if DIL told Son. If your own words make you look bad, don't blame the messenger.

[lokifan]

There was no reason for LW to even mention her daughter-in-law's race. That she did so speaks volumes.

Yep!!! I reread out of sheer confusion and there's not even the hint of a reason. Which makes me think LW said something racist on social media, and that's the connection in her head.

[mommy]

Congrats to the son for getting some space away from his mother.

[dissectionist]

Whew, that dog whistle is an air raid siren. If her race genuinely wasn’t an issue LW wouldn’t have felt the need to bring it up at all, much less right at the beginning.

[torachan]

The LW definitely said racist shit on FB and the daughter in law saw it and told her husband, who confronted his mom about it. Instead of apologizing, the mom called the DIL a busybody who overstepped boundaries and made excuses about how what she said "wasn't that bad". The son had enough and said he was cutting her off (this was probably the last of very many straws), and so the LW blocked the DIL and the son blocked his mom.

[cimorene]

Perhaps it was about a different race, so she thinks it wasn't fair for DIL to mind, or it was one of those things that a lot of people still argue aren't racist even though they definitely are. Although not really guaranteed with the level of reality disconnect indicated by some other parts of this...

[purlewe]

I can even see reposting something racist someone else said as how this started and then her denial of "I didn't write it, I just reposted it" which is the same thing LW. and I am kinda glad your son and his wife have drawn their boundaries.

[mrissa]

"Someone I was mutuals with on social media read what I posted on social media." The fiend! The cad! How dares! Everyone of your OWN race would know that the point of social media is to never, ever assimilate any information from it, and only to behave as though you've never seen one word of it.

I feel like if this was a thing where she had a filtered post about her gynecology that was for other people in her life with similar concerns and she was feeling betrayed that her DIL told her son about it, she would have said that.

[firecat]

while that doesn't bother me, I have a strong hunch she's the reason

In other words, it’s ok if you have the wrong skin color as long as you (a) act exactly like our family and never let it show that you have your own background, viewpoints, friends, family, religion, etc., and also (b) understand we are never going to let you forget that we’re doing you the favor of Not Minding that you have the wrong skin color

[haggis]

When I recently shared with him that I felt his wife is a bit of a busybody and had overstepped some boundaries,

I have no idea what the DIL is like from this post but this is absolutely wild projection here. A busybody who oversteps? No, there's no one like that around here at all, nossir.

[kiezh]

You know, when you start with the "what side are you on? it's them or me!" stuff, you run a strong risk of getting the opposite response from the one you want.

Everyone else in the comments is likely right that LW said some racist shit she's carefully leaving out of the letter, but even aside from the missing reasons, she's the one who escalated to making her son pick a side. And he didn't pick hers, how shocking! Who could have predicted that he would act in solidarity with the person he chose to share his adult life with and swore oaths to, and not immediately run to placate his mom at every guilt trip?

...well, LW certainly couldn't predict it. Wonder how many more of her kids she'll "lose" now that they're adults and she can't enforce her idea of closeness. (She's so good at dealing with conflict! LOL.)

[carbonel]

Wow, this is a classic missing missing reasons post.