agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Sahaj: My daughter is a highly educated and beautiful girl. She has a great job and recently became a rich widow. My problem is she has a man living with her and my grandson. He is physically, mentally and socially very inferior to her.

She is a doctor, and he does not have a college degree. In fact, he assembles bikes at Walmart. My husband, two sons and their wives are doctors as well. His sister is a single mother and is a waitress — no high school degree — and his mother is a dental hygienist.

This is not a good fit for our family, and I am afraid he is a moocher. Any advice will be very much appreciated. And yes we do look askance at low-educated types.

— Worried Mother

Worried Mother: You are judging your daughter’s new partner based on one definition of success and worth — education and money. But not everyone uses that sole metric to define success. Is he happy? Is he a hard worker? Is he a good person? Do his values feel honorable? Does he treat your daughter and grandson well?

What he does is less important than who he is. Do you have any proof or evidence to support your fear that he is “a moocher”? If so, you may want to have a frank conversation with your daughter, but what seems more likely is that you are making assumptions and judgments based on his family and job.

It’s striking to me that you don’t even refer to him as anything other than the man “living with her.” You may disapprove of what he does, or his family background, but I certainly hope that you are still treating him with respect and kindness. If not, what makes you any better than the assumptions you are making about him?

By proclaiming that “this is not a good fit,” you allude to a concern of how this may look to other people. That shouldn’t be more important than your daughter’s happiness. Your question even suggests that your beliefs are most important, and are shared with your other family members. Does your whole family “look askance at low-educated types,” or is that your projection?

This man may not be what you wanted for your daughter, but what’s really important is what your daughter wants. If she is happy, then you ultimately have two choices. Continue to look down on her partner and create a chasm between you two that may become irreversible, or work toward adjusting your mind-set and expectations to embrace him and deepen a relationship with your daughter.

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LW may "look askance" at people with less education, but I save my side-eye for people with less manners and class.

With that said...

1. There's lots of reasons not to have gotten a college diploma, most of which have nothing at all to do with the mental ability to do so

2. Intelligence is a vastly overrated metric

3. Some of the dumbest people on the planet are doctors and engineers. And the less they know outside their own specialty, the more obnoxious they can be.

4. This may be a little too snide, but while LW rattled off all the medical degrees of her husband, kids, and inlaws, I notice she didn't mention her own medical degree. Why is that?

5. If LW's daughter never wanted to be a doctor - a definite possibility from this letter! - I hope she can find true happiness pursuing her own path sooner rather than later.

How clever of her beautiful daughter to become a rich widow. I am sure that must have been such fun for all concerned.

(I.e., wtf, FRAMING)

Yeah, there's a lot of awful things about this letter, but that's the one that shocked me! She became.... a rich widow....

I didn't catch this at first but that's nutty. What are you implying here, LW?

Honestly, the first thing I thought was that LW was fine with thinking Beautiful Daughter murdered Rich Husband, but not if it was because of Bike Guy. Because that would just be tacky.

LW is so very tacky, maybe she's the one who killed her son-in-law so her daughter could inherit.

I would read this book. Evil relative murders woman's husband to get control of husband's estate through her... oh wait, that certainly has happened...

🤣

A rich widow with a great job! Even more useful in the family alliance marriage market!

Farging snob. Sigh

Edited 2024-02-05 22:38 (UTC)

And yes we do look askance at low-educated types.

This line is a culmination of OTTness that makes me think fake. If not, it is perfectly obvious why this woman has chosen a partner who is not like her birth family in certain respects!

There are so many odd phrases in this letter. I hope it's fake, but I've met people like LW in real life.

Yep. I've known people who have the attitude that people with less education have less value, but I've never met someone who'll actually say it straight out.

clearly you have not encountered my father! :D

Heh!

I've met folks who were just as snooty as this LW about "low-educated types" but they would never say it so bluntly in public.

One thing we know is that Daughter's partner is not mooching off her. "Has a man living with her and my grandson" could describe someone who is relieved not to have to do all the childcare and housework solo.

LW sounds like a kind and lovely person. I hope her daughter is very happy with the comfort she's found after a loss. Certainly her partner's family is less judgemental.

ugh I saw this one too. And check it:

She is a doctor
My husband, two sons and their wives are doctors as well

. . . What do you do, LW? Mooch?

This is very Lady Catherine de Bourgh in its OTT-ness. Is it based on a novel? What has a rich widow and some class disparity drama? Madame Bovary?

But also I'm now imagining a P&P modern day AU where Lydia is a single mom and Mrs. Bennet is a - gasp - dental hygienist.

You know, I bet Mrs. Bennett would have made a very good dental hygienist (and been much happier too).

A business other than getting her daughters married, in which visiting and news come to her!

My husband, two sons and their wives are doctors as well.

What on earth could have attracted this rich young widow to someone so unlike her father, brothers, sisters-in-law... It's a mystery!