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For some reason, there was a lot of estrangement in the letters I read this week!
1. Dear Annie: Are you aware that, according to experts, approximately 25% of adult children do not speak to one or both of their parents? I'm in that situation. I gave my two daughters everything they wanted that I could afford to give them: dance and music lessons, dive and soccer teams, trips throughout the U.S. and overseas and expensive private schools of their choice. While my daughters wore designer clothing, I bought my clothing from discount stores. I never beat them or spoke unkindly to them or about them. I was always very proud of them.
Now my daughters are in their 30s, and neither one of them speaks to me. The last communication was a phone call I made to my 32-year-old daughter who, when I asked her what I did to deserve to be treated this way, said she wanted us to go for family counseling so we could have an "ADULT relationship" (emphasis on adult). I told my daughter to make an appointment with a counselor and I would be there. That was 1 1/2 years ago and was the last I ever heard from her. I finally took her off my phone plan last month. Isn't it ironic that the person who wanted an adult relationship with me allowed me to pay her phone bill for an additional 1 1/2 years?
Instead of doing what I did in the past, waiting for the rare text (regarding going out to dinner one time while they're in town) and appreciating what I had, I moved on. I'm currently packing up all of their belongings that they left in my house when they moved away, and I am putting it all outside for them to pick up while I'm out of town. I changed the locks on my house so they can't get in. Then I'm changing my will.
I'm surrounded by people who love me, want the best for me and treat me with great respect. Those are the people who are going to benefit from my estate. -- Ungrateful Daughters
Dear Ungrateful Daughters: What you are is hurt by your daughters, and so you are trying to shut them out as a way of retaliating. That might make sense on the surface, but it is not the best thing in the long run. You can't control their actions, but you can control how you spend time with them.
You are angry at their inability to grow up. Don't let that anger totally destroy your relationship. They are your daughters. Why don't you take the initiative in setting up family counseling instead of being angry that your daughter proposed it but failed to follow through?
Link
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2. Dear Annie: I have a gift-giving dilemma. In recent years, we had a falling out with our child's spouse, and it's come down to the in-law's way or no way. As a result, the relationships with our child and grandchildren have also been impacted. Though I love them all dearly, I won't let the in-law dictate how I live my life.
I've continued to send birthday and Christmas money, but there is no acknowledgement of the gifts and, as of late, VERY little contact from our child. It breaks my heart, but I'm trying to let go and let our child decide to initiate further contact because it seems like a one-way effort. While I want them to know they are loved, does it make sense to continue gifting? -- To Gift or Not
Dear Gift or Not: It makes the most sense to do whatever you think will facilitate letting them know that you love them. Sometimes taking the high road is the best road. Remind yourself that you are family and you want them to know they are loved. If your love language is to give gifts, then keep giving gifts -- and don't expect any more gratitude than they have shown in the past. You give for yourself. After all, it feels better to give than to receive.
Link
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3. Dear Annie: My stepchildren cut their father out of their lives. It started with his daughter, who did this after her father would not co-sign a car loan. Her own mother had refused as well. Since then, he has reached out to his daughter but gets no response. She doesn't like me, and when she chose to cut out her dad, I told her that she wasn't hurting me -- I had a wonderful father -- she was only hurting herself.
Her siblings did the same. Don't these adult children get it? If they want to hurt their stepmother, they are not. They are only hurting their father.
My husband worked through his sorrow with a counselor, and he enjoys our family life (with our children). It is very sad that they are punishing themselves and making their stepmom's life easier. -- Stepmother Trying to Help
Dear Stepmother: You are right that the main person she is hurting is herself. If she has children and never reconciles with her father, then depriving her children of a relationship with their grandfather would be very cruel. Grandparents offer another source of love, and the more love we receive, the better. This is especially true for small children.
His daughter will also regret not having a relationship with her father. Sadly, there is nothing you can really do except to keep comforting your husband and encouraging him to reach out to his daughter. Hopefully, she will come to her senses after she figures out that her car loan situation was only the catalyst for expressing her anger.
Link
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4. DEAR ABBY: My husband of 30 years died. We weren't rich. I was 54 years old. We each had a will leaving all our assets to the other. We were self-employed, so there was no IRA or 401(k). I sold our only piece of property, and as a result, I have a small savings.
My daughters have now cut ties with me because I won't give them money that I need to live on and will need for my future. I have been alienated from all the grandchildren as well. I feel terrible about it, but I'm scared about my future if I give my savings away. My daughters are all married and doing well financially. Is this normal? I gave them all of their father's personal items after he passed. How can I feel better about all of this? -- LOST THEM ALL AT ONCE
DEAR LOST THEM: Please accept my sympathy. Emotional blackmail is not "normal." Neither is holding the grandkids for ransom, which is what your daughters are doing. I hope you realize they will continue to do this as long as they perceive you have a penny.
I predict you will start feeling better about all of this as soon as you are able to step back and fill your life with caring friends, who can fill, to some extent, the void your daughters are leaving in your life. You might also derive comfort and satisfaction by volunteering at an organization that benefits children. Please don't wait to start.
Link
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5. DEAR ABBY: Three days before my daughter "Ginger's" wedding, her fiance called to announce that he could not marry her because she's bisexual. It's something he knew about for a year but waited until three days before the wedding to mention.
Needless to say, my husband and I were shocked, embarrassed and devastated. We had gone to a wedding with Ginger and her fiance the Saturday before her wedding date, and they were excited about their own wedding, talking about the home they were building and about having a baby. By the following Wednesday, it was over! She has reimbursed us for half of our expenses for the wedding.
Ginger has since been involved mostly with women who have stolen from her, treated her badly and lied to her. We no longer trust our daughter because we thought she was happily engaged, but she lied when she told us how happy she was and how great she and her fiance got along. We cannot accept the current situation, and our relationship with her is now very strained.
We told her to live her life but not to bring these women around. Since then, she has chosen to stay away. We miss our daughter but are not willing to accept this behavior. We don't think Ginger is even trying to gain back our trust. Please give us your best advice. -- LOST IN LOUISIANA
DEAR LOST: Has it occurred to you that your daughter may be a lesbian who tried to appease you and her father by claiming to be bisexual? It is a blessing to all concerned that the wedding was canceled.
If you're a regular reader of my column, you surely must be aware that some women have dysfunctional "manpickers." In your daughter's case, she's having the same problem choosing her female partners. Rejecting her because you don't want "those women" around is not the solution to her problem. Instead, suggest she seek counseling at the nearest LGBTQ community center so she won't continue seeking love in all the wrong places.
Link
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6. Our holidays this year will be fraught to say the least. I am one of four children. We each have children.
Without providing too many details, we discovered recently that one of my younger sister’s kids hurt one of my brother’s kids when they were small. Those two families are now not on speaking terms. My other sister and I are trying to stay neutral. In previous years, we’d held a big holiday dinner at one of our houses for the entire crew. We don’t even know what to do now.
Do we still hold the big shebang but assign times for the quarreling families to show up? Do we not invite either of them? Do we pretend nothing has changed from previous years? Part of the problem is our younger sister’s feelings get hurt easily, and I think we need our brother more than he needs us. I haven’t even mentioned my parents, but they want nothing more than to pretend like everything is “normal.”
—Getting Gobbled By the Holidays
Please don’t pretend everything is “normal.” I don’t know what level of communication skills anyone in your family has—and I have no context for what it means that you all need your brother more than he needs all of you (for leadership? for financial help? for the glue that holds the family together?). I don’t know what the “hurt” is that you’re talking about, but the nature of it is too important to gloss over. If we’re talking about what I think we’re talking about (an assault?), I assure you that the child who was harmed needs to be supported, no matter how much time has passed.
If you are in a position to encourage your brother and sister to talk—or to yourself mediate such a conversation—I would do so. And you don’t say how old the children in question are now, or if they are getting professional help, if I’m right about what happened—or whether they have been included in their separate families’ conversations about what happened between them when they were younger. All I know for sure is that sweeping this situation under the rug is the worst of all the possibilities you list: It will set the precedence for silence, complicity, and surface “niceness” that conceals unhappiness and pain. Scheduling separate time slots for the two warring siblings’ families seems to me not much better. (What does it mean to “stay neutral” in this situation, anyway? It sounds as if both your brother and sister are hurting, and both need your support.) If I were you and your sister, I’d frankly acknowledge that things are askew this year, and that it would be healthier—at least until some sort of resolution can be found—if all four families held their own separate celebrations. The holidays aren’t as important as the well-being of the people involved. If some of the children are disappointed not to see their cousins, specific meetups can be arranged separately, the day before or after. Your parents can make the rounds if they like of all four families.
I know this violates the terms of your extended family’s “tradition.” But upholding tradition is less important—by far—than coming to terms with a crisis. Perhaps a forthright acknowledgment that something is seriously wrong will open the families up to healing—which, after all, cannot occur if all concerned are pretending there’s nothing to heal.
Link
Now my daughters are in their 30s, and neither one of them speaks to me. The last communication was a phone call I made to my 32-year-old daughter who, when I asked her what I did to deserve to be treated this way, said she wanted us to go for family counseling so we could have an "ADULT relationship" (emphasis on adult). I told my daughter to make an appointment with a counselor and I would be there. That was 1 1/2 years ago and was the last I ever heard from her. I finally took her off my phone plan last month. Isn't it ironic that the person who wanted an adult relationship with me allowed me to pay her phone bill for an additional 1 1/2 years?
Instead of doing what I did in the past, waiting for the rare text (regarding going out to dinner one time while they're in town) and appreciating what I had, I moved on. I'm currently packing up all of their belongings that they left in my house when they moved away, and I am putting it all outside for them to pick up while I'm out of town. I changed the locks on my house so they can't get in. Then I'm changing my will.
I'm surrounded by people who love me, want the best for me and treat me with great respect. Those are the people who are going to benefit from my estate. -- Ungrateful Daughters
Dear Ungrateful Daughters: What you are is hurt by your daughters, and so you are trying to shut them out as a way of retaliating. That might make sense on the surface, but it is not the best thing in the long run. You can't control their actions, but you can control how you spend time with them.
You are angry at their inability to grow up. Don't let that anger totally destroy your relationship. They are your daughters. Why don't you take the initiative in setting up family counseling instead of being angry that your daughter proposed it but failed to follow through?
Link
2. Dear Annie: I have a gift-giving dilemma. In recent years, we had a falling out with our child's spouse, and it's come down to the in-law's way or no way. As a result, the relationships with our child and grandchildren have also been impacted. Though I love them all dearly, I won't let the in-law dictate how I live my life.
I've continued to send birthday and Christmas money, but there is no acknowledgement of the gifts and, as of late, VERY little contact from our child. It breaks my heart, but I'm trying to let go and let our child decide to initiate further contact because it seems like a one-way effort. While I want them to know they are loved, does it make sense to continue gifting? -- To Gift or Not
Dear Gift or Not: It makes the most sense to do whatever you think will facilitate letting them know that you love them. Sometimes taking the high road is the best road. Remind yourself that you are family and you want them to know they are loved. If your love language is to give gifts, then keep giving gifts -- and don't expect any more gratitude than they have shown in the past. You give for yourself. After all, it feels better to give than to receive.
Link
3. Dear Annie: My stepchildren cut their father out of their lives. It started with his daughter, who did this after her father would not co-sign a car loan. Her own mother had refused as well. Since then, he has reached out to his daughter but gets no response. She doesn't like me, and when she chose to cut out her dad, I told her that she wasn't hurting me -- I had a wonderful father -- she was only hurting herself.
Her siblings did the same. Don't these adult children get it? If they want to hurt their stepmother, they are not. They are only hurting their father.
My husband worked through his sorrow with a counselor, and he enjoys our family life (with our children). It is very sad that they are punishing themselves and making their stepmom's life easier. -- Stepmother Trying to Help
Dear Stepmother: You are right that the main person she is hurting is herself. If she has children and never reconciles with her father, then depriving her children of a relationship with their grandfather would be very cruel. Grandparents offer another source of love, and the more love we receive, the better. This is especially true for small children.
His daughter will also regret not having a relationship with her father. Sadly, there is nothing you can really do except to keep comforting your husband and encouraging him to reach out to his daughter. Hopefully, she will come to her senses after she figures out that her car loan situation was only the catalyst for expressing her anger.
Link
4. DEAR ABBY: My husband of 30 years died. We weren't rich. I was 54 years old. We each had a will leaving all our assets to the other. We were self-employed, so there was no IRA or 401(k). I sold our only piece of property, and as a result, I have a small savings.
My daughters have now cut ties with me because I won't give them money that I need to live on and will need for my future. I have been alienated from all the grandchildren as well. I feel terrible about it, but I'm scared about my future if I give my savings away. My daughters are all married and doing well financially. Is this normal? I gave them all of their father's personal items after he passed. How can I feel better about all of this? -- LOST THEM ALL AT ONCE
DEAR LOST THEM: Please accept my sympathy. Emotional blackmail is not "normal." Neither is holding the grandkids for ransom, which is what your daughters are doing. I hope you realize they will continue to do this as long as they perceive you have a penny.
I predict you will start feeling better about all of this as soon as you are able to step back and fill your life with caring friends, who can fill, to some extent, the void your daughters are leaving in your life. You might also derive comfort and satisfaction by volunteering at an organization that benefits children. Please don't wait to start.
Link
5. DEAR ABBY: Three days before my daughter "Ginger's" wedding, her fiance called to announce that he could not marry her because she's bisexual. It's something he knew about for a year but waited until three days before the wedding to mention.
Needless to say, my husband and I were shocked, embarrassed and devastated. We had gone to a wedding with Ginger and her fiance the Saturday before her wedding date, and they were excited about their own wedding, talking about the home they were building and about having a baby. By the following Wednesday, it was over! She has reimbursed us for half of our expenses for the wedding.
Ginger has since been involved mostly with women who have stolen from her, treated her badly and lied to her. We no longer trust our daughter because we thought she was happily engaged, but she lied when she told us how happy she was and how great she and her fiance got along. We cannot accept the current situation, and our relationship with her is now very strained.
We told her to live her life but not to bring these women around. Since then, she has chosen to stay away. We miss our daughter but are not willing to accept this behavior. We don't think Ginger is even trying to gain back our trust. Please give us your best advice. -- LOST IN LOUISIANA
DEAR LOST: Has it occurred to you that your daughter may be a lesbian who tried to appease you and her father by claiming to be bisexual? It is a blessing to all concerned that the wedding was canceled.
If you're a regular reader of my column, you surely must be aware that some women have dysfunctional "manpickers." In your daughter's case, she's having the same problem choosing her female partners. Rejecting her because you don't want "those women" around is not the solution to her problem. Instead, suggest she seek counseling at the nearest LGBTQ community center so she won't continue seeking love in all the wrong places.
Link
6. Our holidays this year will be fraught to say the least. I am one of four children. We each have children.
Without providing too many details, we discovered recently that one of my younger sister’s kids hurt one of my brother’s kids when they were small. Those two families are now not on speaking terms. My other sister and I are trying to stay neutral. In previous years, we’d held a big holiday dinner at one of our houses for the entire crew. We don’t even know what to do now.
Do we still hold the big shebang but assign times for the quarreling families to show up? Do we not invite either of them? Do we pretend nothing has changed from previous years? Part of the problem is our younger sister’s feelings get hurt easily, and I think we need our brother more than he needs us. I haven’t even mentioned my parents, but they want nothing more than to pretend like everything is “normal.”
—Getting Gobbled By the Holidays
Please don’t pretend everything is “normal.” I don’t know what level of communication skills anyone in your family has—and I have no context for what it means that you all need your brother more than he needs all of you (for leadership? for financial help? for the glue that holds the family together?). I don’t know what the “hurt” is that you’re talking about, but the nature of it is too important to gloss over. If we’re talking about what I think we’re talking about (an assault?), I assure you that the child who was harmed needs to be supported, no matter how much time has passed.
If you are in a position to encourage your brother and sister to talk—or to yourself mediate such a conversation—I would do so. And you don’t say how old the children in question are now, or if they are getting professional help, if I’m right about what happened—or whether they have been included in their separate families’ conversations about what happened between them when they were younger. All I know for sure is that sweeping this situation under the rug is the worst of all the possibilities you list: It will set the precedence for silence, complicity, and surface “niceness” that conceals unhappiness and pain. Scheduling separate time slots for the two warring siblings’ families seems to me not much better. (What does it mean to “stay neutral” in this situation, anyway? It sounds as if both your brother and sister are hurting, and both need your support.) If I were you and your sister, I’d frankly acknowledge that things are askew this year, and that it would be healthier—at least until some sort of resolution can be found—if all four families held their own separate celebrations. The holidays aren’t as important as the well-being of the people involved. If some of the children are disappointed not to see their cousins, specific meetups can be arranged separately, the day before or after. Your parents can make the rounds if they like of all four families.
I know this violates the terms of your extended family’s “tradition.” But upholding tradition is less important—by far—than coming to terms with a crisis. Perhaps a forthright acknowledgment that something is seriously wrong will open the families up to healing—which, after all, cannot occur if all concerned are pretending there’s nothing to heal.
Link
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2. I would also absolutely love some more detail about how, exactly, LW2's DIL is asking them to change.
3. Is it just me, or does LW3 sound positively gleeful that her stepdaughters aren't talking to their Dad anymore? I have no idea what's behind this estrangement - as always, I find it suspicious when multiple children cut off their parent, but who knows? - but she does not have to take such unseemly joy and delight in this. Maybe dial it down a notch.
4. This is terrible, assuming this letter is accurate as written. Well, it's gotta happen sooner or later, and what a shame.
5. We no longer trust our daughter because we thought she was happily engaged, but she lied when she told us how happy she was and how great she and her fiance got along.
WTF. You are terrible people. Also, Abby, wtf is up with your first sentence!? Maybe LW5's daughter is a lesbian? What, because she was jilted at the altar and all her rebounds have been woman she must not be bi? Even if that's true, what does this have to do with anything?
6. LW6, there is no "staying neutral" about this. If the "hurt" one child caused to another is severe enough to merit estrangement then staying neutral is implicitly picking a side.
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You meant Queen Lear, right?
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5. What do these people think "trying to regain [their] trust" would look like? I honestly don't know. Not dating at all? Only dating men? Telling them every emotional play-by-play of her adult relationships? What is it that they think they, apparently the true victims here (???????) deserve?
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Ginger has had a shit time of it and her parents think they are the victims here. I hope she is happier without them.
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More specifically, I suspect that Ginger cheated on her fiance, with a woman, but either her parents or the editors of the column are trying to avoid saying that by saying she's bisexual, probably because they're aware of the "cheating bisexual" stereotype and trying to get around it and ended up making it incoherent.
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Even if she cheated on him, nonconsensually outing someone is horrible behaviour so I agree with Abby, it's for the best that the wedding didn't go ahead.
However, I am not sure I credit Abby with thoughtful bisexual stereotype avoidance, given she immediately dismisses the idea that Ginger could really be bi.
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Like a more plausible scenario overall -- one that explains why Ginger's parents feel lied to about her happiness/relationship with her fiance -- is that his outing of her was more-or-less a consequence of his telling her parents about her cheating. It makes the breakup, timing, and emotional tone of the letter hang together if that's the case. But it's not there, and instead there's an incoherent mess that Abby doesn't seem to be responding to in some ways -- as if ABBY is also responding to information she has that we don't.
I don't think much of the advice or the letter either way, but I do think some crap editors might've gotten at it.
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When a parent starts going on about childhood financial support and "I never beat them," I get REALLLLY suspicious about Missing Missing Reasons.
If LW wants to reconnect with their daughters, I suggest making a solo counseling appointment to see if some clarity might be granted about the relationship, and then contacting the daughters to try to schedule a family counseling session (don't leave it up to them to be the ones to handle it.)
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LW3 is, indeed, gleeful to an unseemly level.
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Poor Ginger, she's had a hell of a time, and her parents are blaming her for other people treating her badly . . . ugh!!
(Her "picker" may be broken, possibly -- but there is nothing that implied that she betrayed her parents' trust about being happy with her fiancé until he left her at the altar!!)
I do wonder if they're implying that she cheated on fiancé, causing the breakup, but that relies on facts not in evidence. With what they've given us, they come across as shitty and judgmental.
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Especially in #6, I'm guessing "hurt" is a euphemism for "molested," and there's really no good way to paper that over or stay neutral.