Two more letters from one more column

[conuly]

Link

1. DEAR HARRIETTE: I am 22, and I am dating a 30-year-old man who is a residence life coordinator at a dormitory for a large Midwestern university. A part of his benefits is that he has an apartment attached to the dorm, so if the residence assistants need him, he is there. This apartment does not have any rent attached to it.

I was about to move in with him when he told me that I needed to pay $1,000 a month to him as "rent." I was shocked when he told me this. I have full knowledge of the fact that he doesn't pay rent and that he is just planning on taking $1,000 from me every month. This has made me rethink not only moving in with him, but dating him in general. What do you think I should do? I thought that he was going to be the one, but unfortunately, this event has shaken my confidence in him. -- Not a Good Fit

DEAR NOT A GOOD FIT: If there ever was a red flag, this is it. You could simply walk away, but if you are curious, ask him why he thinks it's a good idea to charge you for rent when he is paying none. Perhaps he has bills he needs to pay. Maybe that extra grand will help pay for something essential in his life. If that's the case, he should state it up front. But that kind of need is best worked out through a transactional relationship -- a roommate with no benefits. Since you two are in a relationship, one would presume that you wouldn't be expected to fund his dreams. Find out why he thinks it's a good idea to charge you. Hear him out, but if I were you, I would move somewhere else. Oh, and be sure to take your heart with you!

*******

2. DEAR HARRIETTE: My fiance and I moved in together at the beginning of October, and he is terrible at cleaning up after himself. I have OCD, which he is very aware of, yet he still doesn't see the importance of putting away the dishes or picking up after himself. He does take out the trash and the dogs, but other than that, I am constantly cleaning up behind him. While dating, I never knew it was this bad. How can I tell him that he needs to be more intentional about keeping a clean house without sounding like a parent? -- Clean Home

DEAR CLEAN HOME: Perhaps you can allocate an area of your home that can be his to treat however he likes: his man cave, so to speak. In that space, he can throw his socks around and be as untidy as he wants. You don't have to ever go in there. That is his space. Outside of that, ask him to follow some basic home hygiene rules. Make a list of what you want him to do to keep tidy. Invite him to work at establishing a routine that will help him to honor his agreement. Know that he won't always be successful, but if and when he tries, thank him. This will reinforce the good habit.

Comments

[conuly]

Well, she gets one right (sorta) and one totally wrong, which is shockingly good stats for Harriette!

1. Ignore the rest of Harriette's answer, LW1, just walk away.

Also, I'm slightly concerned by the fact that this man who lives on a college campus apparently is dating somebody barely out of college. On the one hand, adults can do what they want, yes! On the other, it's not at all shocking to me that some guy who's going to try this "pay me $1000 rent, baby, when we move in to my free apartment together" scheme is 30 years old and can't find somebody his own age to date. Or, less charitably, is deliberately trying to date people who are new to this whole adulthood gig and presumably have less experience recognizing red flags.

2. LW2, don't marry this dude. Just don't. There are plenty of other nice people you could marry who clean up after themselves. This is not your OCD.

If you're bound and determined to ignore my excellent advice on the matter, at least remember this: Couples counseling today is a heck of a lot cheaper than divorce tomorrow.

[topaz_eyes]

Re letter 1, I do think it's reasonable for bf to ask LW to split other living-related expenses he must otherwise pay himself, eg utilities or internet (assuming those are not included in the rent). But asking for rent on a rent-free place? Dump him, LW.

Re letter 2, cleaning up after oneself without prompting should imho be a bare minimum for living together.

[movingfinger]

How did LW2 never see the inside of the fiance's previous residence? These habits do not manifest suddenly.

The advice from Harriette is ridiculous "he's just a man" crap.

[princessofgeeks]

The differing cleaning standards for the second letter could definitely become a deal breaker. If they can afford it, my advice would be to hire a cleaner. They will never agree on this and it will just get worse and worse as time goes on. I have lived this, although I do not have OCD. People have different standards and in general they do not change. You can not make a person who is comfortable in a dirty house into a cleaning-aware person. Not gonna happen. Frankly I am delighted he takes out the trash given everything else in the letter.

[ioplokon]

If LW2 actually has OCD & doesn't just mean they are fastidious, I think there is probably more to get into than just the cleanliness of the apartment (or like, probably it's an issue, but the OCD stuff is tangential to that; definitely a big part of the dynamic is probably that fiance knows that if he doesn't do something, LW will feel compelled to).

Basically, if they don't split bc they're incompatible, there should be some effort to separate 'these are our standard chores and cleanliness requirements' from 'thisnis LW's OCD pushing them to clean and check that everything is clean and realize that 5 more things must be clean'. And LW needs a partner who will do his housework unprompted & on some kind of predictable schedule rather than passively relying on LW's OCD (also, big challenge for LW even with a better partner will be LETTING THEM DO IT & sitting with the discomfort of needing to do those chores, which is why imo they need to find someone they can actually trust will do their part.)

[tielan]

I'm feeling fully judgy tonight.

DUMP THE BASTIDS.