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Two letters in one column - plus a bonus!
1. Dear Annie: I am 67 and divorced. I raised two daughters and a son essentially on my own while I worked full time as a registered nurse and provided a decent, middle-class home for my children.
The youngest had issues about almost anything. I got her therapy, along with family therapy. She loved her father but barely tolerated me. Babysitters quit. School called. I tried my best to do everything I could. Basically, she did only what she wanted. My oldest daughter ended up pregnant and dropped out of school at 16. She requested to be emancipated so she could marry the man who was the father, and he was 10 years older than her. The youngest was friends with another family and they wanted to adopt her at 16. We had a long conversation, very calm, and she truly wanted this. By this time, my physician felt it was best for her and for me. My son is the middle child, and he is kind and thoughtful. He needed some special help with school due to a hearing anomaly. He is now 40 and the only one who speaks to me.
I have six grandchildren and one great-grandchild. Only three of the grandchildren speak to me. My son and his wife -- his second -- have a 7-year-old daughter. I have babysat but never can take the child off their property. But they won't say why. The other grannie assists with everything. I have never harmed anyone. I am an intelligent, trustworthy and pleasant person. I have lived alone for past three years, and I have been to therapy.
It is hard to look at the other granny's lovely photos of them on Facebook, like for Grandparents Day at school. I understand my daughter-in-law is close to her mom, and we are friends, but I am feeling shut out. -- Hurting Granny
Dear Hurting Granny: Instead of hurting, why not focus on what you do have? You get to go over and spend time with your granddaughter. Obviously something happened if your daughters still won't speak to you and neither will three of your grandchildren. Regardless of what happened in the past, just try to enjoy the time you have with your granddaughter.
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2. Dear Annie: I just read your response to "Lost Son," about the mother whose 30-year-old son has stopped talking with his mother. While there is a possibility this son is in a toxic relationship, have you also considered that maybe the mother has inflicted trauma on her son that she doesn't believe affected him or wants to fess up to?
I am married to a "Lost Son" who through the years has stopped contacting his mother due to the abuse she denies ever happened. When I met him, he said he was close to his mom but at the same time would pace back and forth and show signs that maybe something had happened between them. Over the years he expressed the absolute hurt he had from his childhood because of his mom. Anytime he has tried to talk with her about the awful things she did to him as a child, she would gaslight him and tell him it never happened.
Sometimes abusers don't want to admit they hurt their child as much as they did, leading to the child, in their adult life, to cut the parent (or person) off as they process the hurt. I don't know this situation or these people but just thought I'd put this into another context, as I'm sure my mother-in-law probably feels similar to me as this women feels about her son's significant other. -- Married to a Lost Son
Dear Married to a Lost Son: Thank you for your letter. I always love hearing from different perspectives.
Link
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3. (This is the "Lost Son" letter referenced before.)
Dear Annie: I am mom to an only child, “Justin,” who is now 30. We have always been close. A few years ago, Justin met a girl: “Lily.” This girl is very jealous and also anti-social. I did my best to try to get to know Lily, but she was resistant.
She began to keep Justin away from friends and family. They soon moved a few hundred miles away to be close to her mom. Justin began to tell me not to call him because he needed time with Lily. Lily then became sick with a series of undiagnosed conditions. Then, out of the blue, Justin cut off all communication with me, his dad and all of the family.
The only “explanation” he had for this was “you know what you did.” I don’t know what he possibly could be referring to. It’s now been three years since I’ve had any contact with my only son. I have come to believe that Lily told Justin that I said or did something in order to keep him isolated. I hate the thought that he believes I did something so hurtful that he doesn’t want to speak to me. He’s an adult, but he’s also my son. I tried to just show up at his home, but he wouldn’t come to the door. I am at a loss. What else can I do? -- Lost Son
Dear Lost Son: Your son is in a toxic relationship, and it sounds like Lily might even have a personality disorder. It’s very hard to get through to someone in a relationship like this; the best you can do is let Justin know that you love him and you are there for him. Offer yourself as a safe space for him. Hopefully he will come to realize that Lily is not a positive force in his life, but he will have to arrive at that conclusion on his own.
Link
The youngest had issues about almost anything. I got her therapy, along with family therapy. She loved her father but barely tolerated me. Babysitters quit. School called. I tried my best to do everything I could. Basically, she did only what she wanted. My oldest daughter ended up pregnant and dropped out of school at 16. She requested to be emancipated so she could marry the man who was the father, and he was 10 years older than her. The youngest was friends with another family and they wanted to adopt her at 16. We had a long conversation, very calm, and she truly wanted this. By this time, my physician felt it was best for her and for me. My son is the middle child, and he is kind and thoughtful. He needed some special help with school due to a hearing anomaly. He is now 40 and the only one who speaks to me.
I have six grandchildren and one great-grandchild. Only three of the grandchildren speak to me. My son and his wife -- his second -- have a 7-year-old daughter. I have babysat but never can take the child off their property. But they won't say why. The other grannie assists with everything. I have never harmed anyone. I am an intelligent, trustworthy and pleasant person. I have lived alone for past three years, and I have been to therapy.
It is hard to look at the other granny's lovely photos of them on Facebook, like for Grandparents Day at school. I understand my daughter-in-law is close to her mom, and we are friends, but I am feeling shut out. -- Hurting Granny
Dear Hurting Granny: Instead of hurting, why not focus on what you do have? You get to go over and spend time with your granddaughter. Obviously something happened if your daughters still won't speak to you and neither will three of your grandchildren. Regardless of what happened in the past, just try to enjoy the time you have with your granddaughter.
2. Dear Annie: I just read your response to "Lost Son," about the mother whose 30-year-old son has stopped talking with his mother. While there is a possibility this son is in a toxic relationship, have you also considered that maybe the mother has inflicted trauma on her son that she doesn't believe affected him or wants to fess up to?
I am married to a "Lost Son" who through the years has stopped contacting his mother due to the abuse she denies ever happened. When I met him, he said he was close to his mom but at the same time would pace back and forth and show signs that maybe something had happened between them. Over the years he expressed the absolute hurt he had from his childhood because of his mom. Anytime he has tried to talk with her about the awful things she did to him as a child, she would gaslight him and tell him it never happened.
Sometimes abusers don't want to admit they hurt their child as much as they did, leading to the child, in their adult life, to cut the parent (or person) off as they process the hurt. I don't know this situation or these people but just thought I'd put this into another context, as I'm sure my mother-in-law probably feels similar to me as this women feels about her son's significant other. -- Married to a Lost Son
Dear Married to a Lost Son: Thank you for your letter. I always love hearing from different perspectives.
Link
3. (This is the "Lost Son" letter referenced before.)
Dear Annie: I am mom to an only child, “Justin,” who is now 30. We have always been close. A few years ago, Justin met a girl: “Lily.” This girl is very jealous and also anti-social. I did my best to try to get to know Lily, but she was resistant.
She began to keep Justin away from friends and family. They soon moved a few hundred miles away to be close to her mom. Justin began to tell me not to call him because he needed time with Lily. Lily then became sick with a series of undiagnosed conditions. Then, out of the blue, Justin cut off all communication with me, his dad and all of the family.
The only “explanation” he had for this was “you know what you did.” I don’t know what he possibly could be referring to. It’s now been three years since I’ve had any contact with my only son. I have come to believe that Lily told Justin that I said or did something in order to keep him isolated. I hate the thought that he believes I did something so hurtful that he doesn’t want to speak to me. He’s an adult, but he’s also my son. I tried to just show up at his home, but he wouldn’t come to the door. I am at a loss. What else can I do? -- Lost Son
Dear Lost Son: Your son is in a toxic relationship, and it sounds like Lily might even have a personality disorder. It’s very hard to get through to someone in a relationship like this; the best you can do is let Justin know that you love him and you are there for him. Offer yourself as a safe space for him. Hopefully he will come to realize that Lily is not a positive force in his life, but he will have to arrive at that conclusion on his own.
Link
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As for the letters - I cannot believe LW1 writes so blithely of the fact that one daughter, apparently, decided to escape both her parents by marrying an adult and the other went with the much healthier method of getting another family to adopt her - and still has the nerve to ask why her son won't let her take their kid off the property!
Like, I have no idea what happened when LW's kids were kids, but it was a doozy and whatever it was, LW should be grateful she's allowed to spend time with that child at all. Unsupervised, even! I wouldn't allow it.
As for letter 3, who knows which way it goes.
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Also: Whoever edited this column together spotted it, which seems out of character for Annie, but I guess even a broken clock is right twice a day.
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I really want to know! Like, the son still has a relationship with her, but only supervised kid visits? The other two kids both removed from LW's care, either with or without her cooperation? FFS she agreed to her kid getting adopted out even though she had a ahem "decent, middle-class home"?
There is zero chance that LW doesn't know why. In fact, though she implies she doesn't know, she never says that. "But they won't say why" is not "I don't know". And "I have never harmed anyone" and "I have lived alone for past three years, and I have been to therapy" raise eyebrows right off my face. (LW had dangerous associates, maybe?)
Anyway even Annie sees it ("Obviously something happened") and Annie never sees it.
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Yeah. There *was* a father, but LW lives alone now. Might be too pat; might be another relationship in there, but something the heck sure happened somewhere.
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The missing missing reasons are REALLY loud in this one.
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Save us from armchair psychologists.