Carolyn Hax: Husband sleeps in a backyard tent after spouse ‘quit having sex’

[swingandswirl]

This is a doozy, y'all.

Dear Carolyn: A few years ago, I quit having sex with my husband. For a while, he slept on the couch, but now he’s taken to sleeping in a tent in the backyard — even in the dead of winter! It’s so embarrassing. I’ve begged him to sleep inside, but he says he likes sleeping in the fresh air. I’m sure all our neighbors are talking about how he’s sleeping like a cave man. How can I make him come to his senses and sleep like a human being?

 

— It’s Just Tacky

It’s Just Tacky: Why? You’re good with icing him out, just not with anyone knowing it?

 

Try it this way: You have what you want, and he has what he wants. Your neighbors, assuming they even care, have something to titillate them for about five minutes, if that.

 

The meaningless pains and nuisances set in motion by fears that something was “tacky” or “embarrassing” or “sure” to be gossiped about would fill enough tents end-to-end to wrap the globe like a nylon mummy.

 

So give it a rest, for that reason alone.

 

And remember that you, it seems unilaterally, are the one who cut off a supply of physical affection that many regard as emotionally sustaining. So while halves of couples always have that prerogative — bodily autonomy is paramount — you were able to do this with a peaceable level of acceptance from your husband.

 

To now be yammering at him for the way he chose to accept it? Don’t even try to pass that off as okay.

 

Readers’ thoughts:

· “Tacky”? I really, really hope that was a troll.

 

· Does he take snacks in there? Watch movies on a laptop or iPad? How big of a tent are we talking about? This sounds like a DREAM situation, and the rest of my afternoon will be spent on tent research.

Comments

[shanaqui]

I don't understand why the dude has to sleep on the couch because they aren't having sex. A couple can share a bed without having sex. Was sleeping on the couch his choice, or did she make him?

I don't know that it changes my reaction to anything, it's just what my brain caught hold of in the whole mess of "...what?"

[ambyr]

Yes, that also confused me.

I guess my response to this comes down to: does he genuinely like sleeping in a tent in the yard? Or is he doing it ostentatiously, to Make A Point? If he just thinks it would be fun to beat Max Woosey's record, well, man's got a right to camp if he wants to camp. If he's being obnoxious about not having sex with LW, the tent isn't the problem. And if LW is pushing for him to sleep indoors but refusing to let him share the bed or rearrange the house so they can each have an actual bed (ideally in an actual bedroom with a door that closes!) in it, then LW is the asshole. Sleeping on the couch is no better of a long-term solution than camping.

[ysobel]

The way it was worded, my immediate thought was that he is doing it to punish her* and enjoys her discomfort, but there's really just not enough info. Why she stopped having sex, whose idea the couch/tent was, and why she's worried about what the neighbors think about his sleeping arrangements. (They maybe haven't even noticed, definitely haven't given it much thought.)

* LW being female was another immediate assumption)

I hate the first line of the answer (and "you were able to do this with a peaceable level of acceptance from your husband" is an assumption, plus the only alternative to "peaceable acceptance" is rape???) but the rest is good. If he genuinely likes it, let him be; if he's trolling, no-reaction is better.

[castiron]

Yeah, if it were just about the tent, LW wouldn't have needed to say "oh, by the way, I stopped sleeping with my husband a few years back"; LW could've just said "my husband's decided he wants to sleep in a tent" or even "we've had separate bedrooms for some time, and now tent". The wording certainly suggests that LW thinks it's a reaction to her saying "no more sex".

[conuly]

Many people would consider no sex to be something approaching a dealbreaker in a marriage, whether or not they had to choose between sleeping on a couch or in a tent. Does their house not have enough beds? Maybe they need to buy more beds.

[movingfinger]

This question is about the color of the fabric on the deck chairs on the Titanic.

[pauraque]

Well said!

[minoanmiss]

Word.

[jadelennox]

yupppp

[melannen]

thiiiis

[mildred_of_midgard]

The Iranian yogurt is not the issue here!

[conuly]

Those deck chairs urgently needed rearranging.

[cimorene]

I like how Carolyn reluctantly admitted that bodily autonomy IS a thing, but only kind of! Like sure, you get to decide what to do with your body, but not without shame and being morally wrong for making your own choices about sexual activity!

Of course, if LW did kick him literally onto the couch years ago, and/or if he feels correctly or incorrectly that performative tent-sleeping is his most effective tool for communicating his emotions, then there is definitely a much bigger problem here than sexual compatibility.

[topaz_eyes]

You’re good with icing him out, just not with anyone knowing it?

Wow, Carolyn is way out of line with that comment. Why LW stopped having sex with their husband is a glaring Missing Reason here; I wouldn't be surprised if it's also the reason behind husband's decision to sleep in a tent since. Sure, husband may like sleeping in the tent, but tbh it strikes me as performative, along the lines of "he's in the doghouse". Both LW and husband should see a counsellor and decide if their marriage is worth saving.

[ioplokon]

What is happening here? How long is 'a while'? Was the husband sleeping on the couch for a few years? That doesn't seem like a workable solution. Why did not having sex mean that he had to sleep outside the bedroom? (Were LW's wishes not respected if he was in bed with them?) There seem to be deeper issues with the marriage that the spouses are trying to communicate via sleeping arrangements rather than words or more substantial life changes (therapy, more formal separation, divorce... actually I wonder if they live in one of those places that requires separation as grounds for divorce & husband is trying to meet those criteria???? Probably not, but it's all so weird).

The tent thing seems to just externalize the underlying strangeness of their marital situation.

[harpers_child]

It sounds like you need to sit down and have a very through talk about your marriage, why you stopped having sex, and if you want to stay married. I don't know what your sex life looked like before, but maybe it's time to get queer and stop holding PiV sex as the end all be all of sex and try out some other things. If you are done with having any kind of sex ever, maybe it's time to divorce.

[minoanmiss]

You deserve whatever Carolyn got paid plus a bonus for not implying that refraining from marital rape is some kind of good deed.

[harpers_child]

I've got chronic health issues. I had to have the conversation.

Carolyn's advice was just flames on the side of my face.

[minoanmiss]

auauauaugh I am so sorry. Carolyn owes you reparations.

[harpers_child]

Shockingly, two adults who actually like each other can have that conversation and have it only improve things. Probably helps that I married my best friend.

[minoanmiss]

That was a good idea. :)

[kiezh]

Why are you people married to each other. What is the point of this charade. You're not a team in any way mentioned in the letter. You didn't even bother with the usual "my partner is so great, except for the reason I hate/fear them!" posturing - do you even like this guy at all?

How is there any benefit to either of you in staying in each other's lives to argue over sexual and sleeping habits?

[green_grrl]

This.

[tielan]

There is an Antarctic glacier's worth of 'below the surface' here.

On the face of it, though, Carolyn's entire 'advice' is awful. On multiple levels.

[firecat]

I don’t have an issue with Carolyn’s opinions about worrying whether the neighbors think something is “tacky.” I have an issue with Carolyn’s addressing only the first layer of molecules in the surface of this letter. If she’s not going to even ask why LW believes their husband’s sleeping in a tent is directly related to the lack of sex in their marriage, then why does she even bother to publish a response? The person would get better advice out of AITA on Reddit.