agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR ABBY: I've been married to my husband for almost 43 years. We haven't had sex in more than 10 years. He is a nasty drunk, which has grown worse. He is emotionally abusive and calls me lazy and fat.

He hurt his right shoulder three years ago and refused to seek medical attention for it. Two years ago, he had all his teeth extracted. Since then, he has lost at least 50 pounds, which, unfortunately, I seem to have gained. He drinks until he's falling-down drunk at least twice a week, and he then becomes nasty with me and our daughter. What should I do? -- HOPELESS IN TEXAS

DEAR HOPELESS: The relationship you have with your husband isn't a healthy one. Start getting yourself in better physical shape. Once you begin to take care of yourself, the better you will feel physically and emotionally. Begin attending Al-Anon meetings. There are many in almost every community. You can find a location at al-anon.org/info. Al-Anon is an offshoot of AA, and was created to provide support for friends and families of alcoholics. (Your husband qualifies.) After that, start looking for a job so you can gain some independence and eventually leave him completely. The atmosphere you have described is toxic.

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Normally I'd suggest divorce, but in cases like this the thought floats through my head that murder's cheaper and nobody's gonna miss this dude.

Or, how about just abandonment? All the benefits of murder but you won't lose any sleep over it! Just move in with Daughter, split the bills, never contact your deadbeat ex again. If he manages not to drink himself to death, good for him, but otherwise, welp, you've just saved a buttload on divorce fees.

this one won't work if there's joint debt.

Why does she have to get herself in better shape first? Can she just go to the Al-anon step, or maybe just the packing her shit and moving out yesterday step?

Seriously. "Go to Al-Anon, but not until you lose ten pounds."

Just sickening :/

This. What does weight loss have to do with any of the abuse or need to escape the situation?

Yeah that's utter BS. While it may be true that improving her health/fitness can make her feel better, so will getting out of an abusive marriage, and the latter will make the former easier.

"I know you're literally on fire, but lose ten pounds first, then you can stop/drop/roll."

Exactly! That absolutely floored me. Any other LW would get, “Go to Al-Anon. Get your finances in order. Talk to a lawyer.” This LW happens to mention their weight in the letter and that somehow makes a difference in the advice? Abby can F all the way off for that.

I read that and scrolled back up to the letter to see where it said LW also had an untreated dislocated joint or jaw infection or something, to make "get in better shape before you leave him" make at least a little sense, because "lose weight" as the answer to that letter is just so. wow.

That advice has some real sizeist bullshit, IMO. Literally the first third of the advice was about her losing weight, which is not the issue; her abusive husband is the issue.

The only weight she needs to lose is whatever HE weighs. DTMFA.

Wow, Abby can always hit a new low, huh? How is losing weight in any way necessary to join a support group???

Edited 2023-11-05 16:26 (UTC)

LW's husband is not drinking because she's fat, he's drinking because he's an alcoholic. How dare Abby bring in her fatphobia to blame LW. She should have mentioned Al-Anon and left it there.

A marriage of 43 years means that LW is likely either a senior citizen or close to it. LW may have a job already and supports him. (If not, it will be very difficult to almost impossible to find one because ageism also sucks.) Al-Anon is a must, and I think LW should seek counselling as well: emotional, legal, financial, employment if needed.

What the entire hell. "Before you do anything else about your abusive husband, stop being fat"????

Dear Abby: your sizeism is bad and you should feel bad.

Abby never misses a chance to remind people that fat is bad. I've seen her completely fail to answer the question asked in her zeal to work in "eat right and exercise."

I'm annoyed that the advice doesn't include the word "divorce."

I guess, um, at least she didn't say what a great guy he was for losing weight? I got nothing but a dropped jaw over here.

this is definitely one of the (many) times when i wish the LW had written to carolyn hax, who would have had useful advice.

"start looking for a job so you can gain some independence"? Where in the letter does LW say she isn't working?? Abby, the 50s called and they want your assumptions of one-income households back.