agonyaunt | People Constantly Judge Our Food Choices for Our Child

Content note about food issues (LW knows some real fuckwaffles).

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a question regarding the sharing of medical issues. Our 3-year-old was suddenly and gut-wrenchingly diagnosed as “Failure to Thrive” at his two-year checkup, shocking both my husband and me. We spent months doing lab after lab, seeing specialist after specialist, and all that culminated in our son being admitted to Stanford Children’s hospital with a very scary superbug (we still have no idea where he picked it up). As a result of being sick for a year, being a normally picky eater, and having a toddler’s energy, he’s a skinny kid. He’s back on the growth curve and all of his specialists are thrilled with how far he’s come since his diagnosis.

The one major issue that’s come about is people judging us on his food choices. At this point in his journey, our multitude of doctors have told us, “If he’ll eat it, feed it to him” in a quest for maximum caloric intake. We offer him a wide variety of options at home, with lots of healthy, nutrient dense choices, but he’s 3. At neighborhood BBQs or family events, someone always makes a comment about his diet of mostly chips or hot dogs or whatever. My parents and siblings know the story, but we kept it quiet otherwise. At a recent event, one mom, a self-proclaimed nutritional guru (she holds no degrees, medical or otherwise), would not let it go that I was feeding my child processed food, telling me that I was killing him with every Cheeto I let him eat. In not so many words, I told her he’s my kid and ultimately it’s his choice what he eats and she needed to back off. Needless to say, she didn’t like that, said some unkind things, and swore to everyone in earshot I’m a horrible mother. I’m not proud, but I gave her a one-finger salute as I walked away.

At this point in our journey, every mouthful and every calorie is a victory and a step toward him being a healthy adult someday. I hated most vegetables as a kid too, and now I’m a healthy, fit 35-year-old who routinely manages to balance brussels sprouts and cupcakes. I guess I’m just wondering if we should share his story more to avoid judgment, or just tell people to mind their own p’s and q’s. We live in a small town with a tight-knit group of neighbors, so the story would spread fast.

—Cheetos Are the (Current) Answer

Dear Cheetos,

I’m trying to imagine what it would even feel like to possess the confidence of someone commenting on the diet of a child they barely know. Truly world-class audacity, when minding your own business is right there, and free! I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, and after the failure to thrive diagnosis and a year of medical anxiety. (Also, why would anyone be shocked to see a kid eating a hot dog and chips at a neighborhood BBQ??)

It’s really your call whether and how much to say about your child’s medical history. Rude/nosy acquaintances and strangers never inspire me to be especially forthcoming—it’s not my job to educate them, they don’t really deserve personal details, and I’d rather not prolong our conversation. With your extended family or trusted friends—people you have some level of trust for, who know and really care about your child—it might make sense to share a bit more if you want to. You can ask them to keep the information confidential, or within the family at least, if you’re concerned for your son’s privacy.

On balance, it’s probably not going to be worth it to tell the whole story every time, even if it would feel satisfying to shame the judgy. You shouldn’t have to reveal personal or painful details in order to get them to shut up. And there is significant overlap between those who will subject you to their unsolicited parenting advice and those who can’t keep potentially sensitive information to themselves, so anything you say about your son’s health would surely make the rounds. If you want to allude to “medical reasons” or some vague, general gestures like that in the hope of avoiding additional judgment, you certainly can. But to be honest, I also like that you just told that woman to back off with no preamble—the important takeaway for her and others like her is not why your son eats the food he does, but the fact that what he eats isn’t something they need to comment on.

—Nicole

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I have to admit this is the kind of thing I think of when I am told about how much more moral and wholesome small towns are than big cities.

That aside.

LW, I totally understand wanting to tell them the story, but they'll just say something like "he got sick because you feed him crap". They will never give up their judgyness. It's how they defend themselves against shame.

If you want to be snarky you can say, "I didn't know you took over for his pediatrician." But honestly, "Back off" is sufficient.

Tangential to the main subject here, but your comment chimes with something I was thinking just this morning. I hired someone to come wash windows (he has done it before, he started a small business during 2020 and it's doing really well), and a friend commented on what a hopeless fuckup he'd been in high school, and also commented on another guy who I had had replace my windows. My friend was a little incredulous at my praise for what a careful worker the first guy is. And I thought, this is why people leave small towns. As long as the Olds who knew him as a child are around, this guy will always be trailed by his high school record. Ridiculous.

Yes, so much this. How many people had all their shit together in high school? And yet people in the Vaunted Small Town will never give this man any other chance, or ever see him differently.

The only time it is acceptable to comment on someone's food is

a) "Did you know that that has [allergen] in it?" to someone who you know has a life threatening allergy to [allergen]

b) "I saw the packaging for that meat earlier and it was all swollen up like botulism, I really don't think it's safe to eat"

Otherwise, people should BUTT OUT

I was just thinking about the only times it's permissible to 'judge' food - like you said, allergen, food safety, or idk, watching a parent feed their child gojo orange hand soap.

I would say that if someone has disclosed to you the pain level/duration of their allergy, there's some flexible judgement to be made. At least one of my friends is at painful hours on the toilet from one bread crumb, and we have (informally) negotiated that she wants a warning when she's about to get glutened.

And if someone is making their decisions about food based on personal ethics, the time to have a conversation about the ingredients is to have a meta-conversation outside of a food context (like, not at that picnic), where you ask them if they would appreciate you warning them about ingredients or if they've got more of a Don't Ask Don't Tell thing going on.

I would also feel comfortable warning a vegetarian that a food contains meat or a vegan that a food contains animal products. But otherwise, yep. Warn people when they're about to eat something with ingredients that they've said they don't want to eat or can't eat; warn people when the food is dangerous. Otherwise, it's none of your damn business.

I've actually been shouted at by a vegetarian for warning them that a sauce had been made with meat juices. "It's my choice what I eat!" Yes, it absolutely is, and I was giving you what you needed to make an informed choice.

There isn't a gif of Galavant diving across the room to save Maddalena from shellfish, but yes, that.

I like a REALLY flat "I wasn't asking for advice. Please refrain from giving it."

I'm glad the LW told that nosy, rude, dead-wrong woman off.

I think there are two types of parents - those who have realized that the child they have is the child they have, and only a tiny percent of the way they act has anything to do with how they've been parented; and those who have not. The ones that are self-righteous and judgemental about other people are ALWAYS in that second category. They believe their precious angel baby eating vegetables or sleeping through the night or holding their hand as they cross the street is because they are Good Mothers (it's always moms) and the moms whose children subsist on hot dogs and mac and cheese or only sleep more than two hours a night when the moon is in the right phase and the goat has been sacrificed properly or who take off running at every opportunity are just Doing It Wrong.

The fact of the matter is, there are VERY FEW things that have any impact on how a toddler functions in the world, and almost none of them are you. My kid wasn't a runner, because she... just wasn't one. She was a terrible sleeper and I discovered all the joys of co-sleeping because otherwise NONE of us would get any sleep. She ate vegetables until she hit the developmental phase when vegetables are poison and then she stopped. Now that she's older, I can see some of the fruits of my labors, and I know the things I did made a difference to the nine-year-old I ended up with, but what I planted were trees and trees don't produce a harvest after one year or even five years. Cheeto mom is doing a great job and I hope more people tell her that.

The tree thing is such a useful thought!

Beautifully said.

I remember thinking about a kid I knew, "I understand not liking vegetables, but what kind of kid doesn't even like fruit?" And of course I was prejudiced and wrong, but I kept my mouth shut (well, I think I did, you'd have to ask kid's parents to be sure), and did less harm than I might have.

People Constantly Judge Our Food Choices for Our Child

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