Dear Abby: my fiance hides his beer cans from me

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: A while ago I noticed that my fiance had been hiding empty cans of beer from me. After I go to sleep (he is a night owl and I usually end up going to sleep first), he goes to the store and buys a can or two of beer. But instead of throwing the empty cans out, he hides them. When I accidentally discovered his hiding place, I told him he didn't have to hide them from me. Now, every once in a while I check the same spot, and I have noticed that he has been hiding them again.

A beer or two is OK with me, Abby, considering the stresses he deals with at work. What worries me is that he feels the need to hide the cans from me after I told him he doesn't have to. Does this mean he has a bigger problem that needs to be addressed? Please help! -- UNSURE IN VIRGINIA

DEAR UNSURE: Yes, he does. Your fiance apparently feels guilty about his nightly beer drinking, which is why he hides the evidence. The two of you need to have a serious conversation about it, preferably before the wedding.

Comments

[cereta]

I'm really puzzled by this (not in the least because Abby didn't jump straight to AA or Al Anon).

IF the fiance is only drinking two beers at night, then the problem is mostly about the hiding. I might be slightly worried that he is self-medicating a problem that would be better addressed another way, but mostly, I'd be wondering what his history with alcohol is. Compulsions like this can often be an echo of some past situation.

Of course, there is, as some of the commenters on the site pointed out, the possibility that he is buying a six-pack and drinking the rest on the way home is not zero. Either way, you need to have that serious conversation.

[the_rck]

I definitely agree on the serious conversation part. I have a friend who married a guy who thought he didn't have a drinking problem because he only drank beer.

I can't help comparing this, though, to issues I have around various types of sweets. When I was in high school and had money of my own, if I bought candy, I had to hide it from my parents and smuggle the wrappers out of the house for disposal. I still, thirty some years later, feel like I have to hide that sort of stuff.

I'm curious how old the fiance is...

[cereta]

Yeah, what you describe is kind of what I was thinking: the fiance developed the habit of hiding alcohol consumption somewhere, whether from parents or from someone - a roommate, a partner - who gave him a hard time about any alcohol consumption at all, the kind who thinks a beer every night is definitive proof of alcoholism.

Or he could really have a drinking problem. Either way, they do very much need to have a talk.

[madripoor_rose]

1: unless he's rinsing those cans really well, there's gonna be bugs.

2: the hiding the cans thing is a little weird. Unless he wants to collect them and she throws them out anyway. But no real indications of that in the letter.