agonyaunt | (no subject)

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DEAR ABBY: A friend is throwing a joint birthday party for herself, her daughter, son-in-law and sister. Their birthdays all fall in the same month. I am close to all of them. This joint celebration has been a ritual for the past three years, and presents are expected.

I have come to feel that this is unfair. For a single-day, one buffet party, I must buy presents for four people. I'm considering buying one decent present and having it raffled off among the four. What do you think? By the way, this also happens a few months later for her husband and son. -- PARTY POOPER IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR PARTY POOPER: I think it's fair IF all six people reciprocate when your birthday rolls around. If they don't, then when your friend's (the hostess's) birthday arrives, skip the party, entertain her separately, for lunch perhaps, and give her her present then.

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The more I read this letter, the more I dislike LW. If you're so seething with resentment, stop going to the party. Or stop buying presents when you do, or set a very low price cap per present, or I don't care what, but if you're at the point of constructing revenge fantasies you've gone too far.

Edited 2023-10-14 21:40 (UTC)

...why is it not an option for the LW to just not engage?

It feels very transactional on LW's part. Like, their expectation is "access to one (1) party in exchange for bringing one (1) gift" and this breaks the rules by not being a 1:1 exchange. They're "close to all of them" so it's not a matter of being compelled to get a present for a stranger. It's literally just "not enough party".

Yeah, the detail that really popped out at me was "one-buffet." That's the detail that makes it clear that LW feels like presents are party tax. Any adult who greets you with, "where's my birthday present?" can receive your full Gollum impression in return, "Yess, what has it got in its pocketses, precious? where's my birthday present, has Baggins got it?" and then you can go on with your day. Bring a present or don't bring a present, do whatever you choose to do with a happy heart, onward.

I am always flabbergasted when people think presents are de rigueur for an adult's birthday. Bring a bowl of fruit! Bring a bottle of fancy sparkling apple juice! Bring a six-pack! Also, your presence is present enough! It's a birthday party for people old enough to have married children.

If they actually require presents, and it's not all in your head, then they're shitty friends.

Adults enjoy being given flowers. Teenagers would probably enjoy that too, or even a plant.

Adults enjoy being given flowers.

Not I, I would rather get nothing than a bunch of flowers (plants are OK, though).

Hate to see flowers dying slowly (or not so slowly) in a vase.

I got my niece flowers for her 16th birthday, and she was delighted. It was the first time anyone had given her flowers! She's 30 now, I give her flowers every year.

Presents are not obligatory at adult birthday parties!

Heck, presents are not obligatory at CHILDREN'S birthday parties if you are broke enough or exhausted/busy enough that organising a present would be a genuine hardship.

Right? We never opened presents at our childrens’ birthday parties because we knew most guests couldn’t afford to bring one, and we didn’t want to risk any of the kids or parents being embarrassed by their lack of a present. So we’d just bring them home and our kids opened them privately afterward.

A birthday is an opportunity to spend some time having fun with people you like. Their presence at your birthday party is the present all by itself - they’ve taken time from their day to come and celebrate you.

This has me thinking about the group birthday parties my family had when I was younger. The biggest one was usually in late July/early August to celebrate the kids (July 17 and two on August 5) and adults (August 2, 13, 19 and September 2) whose birthdays were all close together. Now, this was all family so yes, the aunts and uncles would've been giving gifts to each of the kids anyway. And then there was a $100 bill with "BIRTHDAY BILL" written on it that circulated around the adults, with each person getting possession of it until the next birthday (this was made possible because we had a family business, so it was fairly easy to bounce the bill between households on actual birthdates). Adults only received gifts for milestone birthdays, like 40 or 50.

I think LW needs to determine how many of these people she'd be buying gifts for if there were separate parties or if there were no parties and just act accordingly.

LW there's two possibilities here: either these are people you are close enough to that you'd give them presents even without a party - in which case, get them presents! - or they're people you're not close enough that you'd give them presents, in which case - don't get them presents! A present is not a party ticket.

(The only time I would say it's absolutely required to bring a birthday present to a birthday party is if you are a small child going to another small child's party, but even then it doesn't have to be much.)

If they aren't people you'd bring presents to - or you only know the friend well enough for a present but you'd feel weird coming without a present for all, bring a "host gift" sort of present like a bottle of wine or flowers that's clearly meant to be enjoyed by everyone.

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