agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I have been together nine years. During that time, we have had our ups and downs. Eight years ago, after a year of dating, we decided to move in together. The following year we got into a big argument because his ex-girlfriend was sticking her nose into our household. (She was also dating his brother.) He moved out that night, but we were able to repair our relationship and decided to live separately for a while.

A month and a half after he moved, I found out she was pregnant. Her due date was nine months from when he moved out. He swears it's not his child and that it's his brother's. I have tried to let it go because I can't accuse him of lying just because of the timing of her pregnancy.

We were engaged once before, and I called it off because of this. He proposed to me again two years ago, and our wedding date is set for next year. I don't want to call it off again, although this is still bothering me. He knows I was hurt by an ex-boyfriend who cheated on me in the past, and I think he knows if I find out the truth, I will leave him.

He treats this child like she's his own, not a niece. He picks her up and takes her out for dinner and to the park and other stuff he doesn't do for his other nieces or nephews. Should I let it go, or trust my gut? -- SECRET OR NOT IN NEW YORK

DEAR SECRET: Tell your fiance you want him to consent to giving a sample of his DNA, as well as his favored niece's, to be tested. His reaction will speak volumes. If he agrees, you will finally have the answers you are looking for. Do not go ahead with the wedding until you have that information.

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I don't think a paternity test is going to help things.

First of all, if he acts upset or offended, it might not be an act to hide his guilt. He might simply be offended that LW doesn't trust him.

But also, LW's problem is not with this girl. LW's problem is that she thinks he slept with his ex-girlfriend while dating her. All a paternity test can prove is that he didn't get her pregnant that time. It doesn't prove that he didn't sleep with her, then or at any other point.

Either LW thinks she can trust him, or she doesn't. A paternity test is not going to change that. Counseling might help, though in this case I have my doubts.

I agree. The problem is that the letter writer doesn't trust this guy. She seems to want someone to either tell her to marry him anyway, or give her permission to break up with him for good.

When someone gets to the point of writing "I think he knows if I find out the truth, I will leave him," they're pretty sure of what's true. Otherwise I think she'd have written something like "if I find out he cheated on me, I will leave him" or "if it turns out his 'niece' is really his daughter."

Yep. LW clearly doesn't trust him, and this after being with him for nine years, at least six of which were after the ex got pregnant. Maybe she's picking up subtle signals that he's untrustworthy; maybe he's trustworthy but that early relationship blowup did damage to the relationship that LW can't get past. Either way, LW needs to break up with him, or at least call off the wedding.

A paternity test would clarify the boyfriend's and, if they married, the LW's responsibilities toward the child, particularly financial.

There are a lot of reasons he might be close to the niece and wish to help her family with child care, but if there are other children in the same family not receiving golden-child treatment, that could cause other issues. So I do think that clarifying this would bring a lot of other matters into focus, possibly in ways that have nothing to do with LW.

A paternity test would clarify the boyfriend's and, if they married, the LW's responsibilities toward the child, particularly financial.

Yes. It might also cause a serious family fracture. What if her mother doesn't want this test done? Or her father? What if the results of the test cause one of the two brothers to stop caring for her - that's a shitty thing to do, and I'd absolutely dump any dude who did that, but this attitude and behavior is remarkably common? What if simply doing the test and collecting the spit and whatever worries this girl?

If LW was going to go this route, the time for that was nearly a decade ago.

LW obviously doesn't trust this man and I don't think anything will actually make her trust him, so she should just leave.

I'm curious if there's something else going on that she doesn't know about. Like, maybe the brother and ex-gf were trying to conceive but found out brother was infertile, and they got a direct donation from the fiance so that the baby would have different family traits. In which case sure, a paternity test would show that he's the niece's father, but that's not really an accurate assessment of the situation.

In terms of the favoritism, it could be a situation where she's looking for a problem so she's going to find one. Maybe this niece lives closer than the other niblings and he has a special bond as a result. Maybe the niece has chosen the fiance as her favorite adult - my oldest niece is 3 1/2 and lives on the other side of the country, we've only had four visits, but each time I ended up being the adult she wanted to play with, read with, etc.

Relationships don't work without trust. It's time to move on.

No mortal man is worth this much drama.