Carolyn Hax: He harps on her memory lapses, and it’s starting to get old

[cereta]

Dear Carolyn: My husband has lately been telling me often, “That’s the fourth (or so) time you have asked me that.” It’s quite often, and I told him he is not aware of the side effects of the medications I take for chronic pain. Two list memory problems as side effects. I try not to complain about my pain or the limitations it causes me. My medications don’t make me irritable or mean — just forgetful.

He is the same way with his mother and anyone else who might repeat a story. My mother died of Alzheimer’s, and so I am especially sensitive about that.

If I confront him, he will say he’s just teasing. He is wonderful in so many other ways. I just would like some advice on how to stop this behavior.

— Still With-it Wife

Still With-it Wife: You do realize you’re not the only one repeating yourself, yes? He responds to your repetitions with one of his own.

The two of you are coming at this problem from different directions for different reasons, but you’re getting to the same place: a dispiriting rut. And each of you has arrived there with the same expectation that the other one is responsible for fixing it.

I hope you’ll both see that, drop the expectations and show up with sympathy instead. You’re in pain and struggling with memory-related side effects; that’s not easy. He’s being asked or told things over and over and over — not just from a spouse on heavy meds, but from a mom losing ground to time; that’s not easy, either. And when he chooses to say something instead of just sitting through the nth retelling as if it’s new, then he’s the bad guy.

It sounds as if it would help each of you to spend some time imagining what the other’s predicament feels like. Right now, you’re both focused on your own experiences, and that contributes to the kind of empathy-deficit loop you’re in:

Your mind is on your struggle with your pain and meds, and you want him to understand. His mind is on his struggle with your repetitiveness, and he wants you to understand. So both of you are wanting, and neither of you is giving, so neither of you is receiving, so both are stuck on wanting, which makes the wanting (and not listening or giving) worse. That’s the loop.

Sympathy — giving — is what breaks it. You: “I know it’s hard to listen to the same thing for the nth time.” He: “I know it’s hard to have a chronic health condition.”

Sweet relief, no? If you can persuade him to join you in this more forgiving place?

Even better, once you’re both willing to do this for each other, you position yourselves to get out of the rut together. A simple, kind signal, which he agrees to give you when you’re repeating yourself, and you agree to heed graciously, could help you out. Maybe he … pats your forearm, if you’re close by. If not, he taps his ear twice. Or a verbal cue, “You’re seeing your shadow” (“Groundhog Day” reference). Whatever you come up with and agree on together will be better than anything I suggest at defusing this natural, probably inevitable, needlessly cyclical but not insurmountable stress.

Comments

[cereta]

I really want to see what other people have to say about this, because it really hits me where I live (I'm the person whose medical conditions and medications cause memory loss, although he does sometimes have his own issues). But I read through this answer about understanding each other and giving and came to a practical solution that, to me, reads like, "find another way for him to tell her she's repeating herself." And I don't know how I feel about it.

[minoanmiss]

I also got “ he needs to find a different way of telling her she’s repeating herself” out of this, with “ he needs to deal mindfully with her memory loss and not just poke her hurt fully every time it triggers him” behind it

Maybe a different phrasing will help. Or maybe it won’t. I do agree that they both need to see the situation from the other’s side but I don’t think I trust anyone who says “I’m just teasing” to consider any other viewpoint than theirs as the Truth of the Situation

[cereta]

I think the "I'm just teasing" is triggering other issues for me. I also kind of wish that Carolyn had suggested that he could let the occasional repetition slide.

[laurajv]

we don't know (and neither does LW) if he does. Carolyn could've mentioned it in her answer because it would be gracious of him, but....he might already be doing that.

(And fwiw, years of letting commentary on that slide meant my mom was SUPER shocked when one of us brought up to her that it had gotten worse recently, because she felt like she'd always had a GREAT memory -- she had not, but she had no idea because literally everyone around her had been being kind about it to her for her entire adult life.)

[minoanmiss]

I don’t think being kind necessarily necessitates being uninformative. There are liner abd less kind ways to point out to someone that their memory is slipping.

ETA correcting autocorrect

[minoanmiss]

I think the "I'm just teasing" is triggering other issues for me.

tries hard to set your brothers on fire with my mind

[green_grrl]

For real. The only proper “I’m just teasing” is, “Oh, I was just teasing. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. I’ll stop and not do it again.”

[jadelennox]

intellectually I see the answer's point, but as a person with chronic pain who's on a med that causes short term memory issues, I kinda want to punch carolyn, But carolyn tends toward the correct more often than not, so I'm trying to interrogate that.

Here's what I think on interrogation:

1. it is good, and correct, for your nearest and dearest to raise troubling cognitive issues for you, in case you're unaware. When I was on topiramate I absolutely needed help recognizing that my cognitive function was unacceptable, because I was too out-of-it to even process.
2. if you have a family history of Alzheimer's, that goes double. Someone telling you these things early so you can raise it with your doctor is important.
3. that's not what husband is doing.
4. husband does have a right to be traumatized and miserable. However, ring theory rules apply: Dump out, comfort in. And LW, who is having memory issues and is in chronic pain, is in.
5. That being said, Carolyn's advice is practical. There's no indication that this is a Whole Man Disposal situation, it's just a guy responding unhelpfully to a difficult situation at home.

I'd argue that they do need to talk, they do need to have empathy for each other, but one of the things LW has the right to demand is that Husband dump out. And Husband has the right to say "okay but is there a kind way for me to say I don't want to hear this story again?" And if the answer is no, it's terrifying for me to be reminded that my brain is fried then Husband needs to get some coping strategies of his own.

[melannen]

This is a very good answer.

[ashbet]

Agreed.

[ysobel]

it is good, and correct, for your nearest and dearest to raise troubling cognitive issues for you, in case you're unaware

Yes very much this -- and I agree it's not what he's doing. I'm not sure what he expects from her, except for things she can't do (remember stuff in the first place).

He badly needs an outlet that isn't needling his wife. Carolyn's right that both experiences are frustrating but he's making a choice to "tease" her, whereas she isn't choosing to forget.

(OTOH he's not the one writing in!)