agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Amy: My husband and I have seven adult children: Two are his, four are mine, and one is “ours.” All are estranged at this time. I worded my will that the estate is to be divided equally among the children who can show they have been in contact with me within the last six months. That can be through phone records or texts or word of mouth from the others. Estrangement is a disease in my family.

My grandfather was estranged from his family. My mother was estranged from me, her only child. And now it has hit my children. None of it is my choice, but those estranged shall not be rewarded.

– My Last Will

Dear My Last Will: “Estrangement is a disease in my family.”

What a tragic occurrence. I’m going to assume that there is no one cause for this generational estrangement, but more that cutting others off is your family’s way of coping with intense emotions.

You were estranged from your mother, and so your children didn’t witness a parent and child coping with the ups and downs of a relationship, resolving conflict, and forgiving one another. Your attempt to resolve this by trying to control your children via your will seems like a superficial fix to a deep problem. A therapist might help you to find other ways to undo your legacy of estrangement.

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It's amazing that LW thinks there will be an estate to be divided among any number of people. Do you know how much elder care costs? And it doesn't exactly get cheaper if your kids aren't footing a lot of the bill and doing a lot of the labor.

But yeah, no, I think I see why LW's kids won't talk to the parents.

There wasn't even a question in there, so I guess in light of that this very general advice is probably appropriate enough. Except that it's pretty hard to imagine, in the situation they describe, that they're not significantly at fault. Like if you were estranged from your mother, surely it's unusual for that to have been all on the mother...

Edited 2023-09-23 09:27 (UTC)

IKR? And now it has hit my children. -- way to abdicate responsibility.

A bolt from the blue, right? She probably tells people she has no idea why.

Like if you were estranged from your mother, surely it's unusual for that to have been all on the mother...

Nah, it's usually mostly (if not all) the parent's fault. This person sounds like an exception.

Especially if all the children are estranged from the parents.

One child is one thing, but seven children? That's a freaking pattern.

seven estranged children. seven! that's a pattern for sure.

It's an achievement! I am disappointed that LW doesn't seem to know how they managed it.

It's just the family curse. Nothing you can do, really.

Oh no, I know it's usually their fault, but that's usually because they were awful and it's usually the children who are forced to pull away and cut off contact. Frequently against resistance, but not always obviously. But that still requires agency, action, from the children, and they'd be painfully aware of the reasons, and unlikely to phrase it this way. It definitely sounds like the phrasing of someone who has been cut off/abandoned by another party. That doesn't have to mean that LW was abusive or awful - they could've taken sides in a dispute, or unknowingly offended, or they could've just been ditched by a parent who didn't feel an emotional attachment. But that kind of missing explanation is definitely more characteristic of someone with something to hide.

Maybe LW is Just a Bitch and no one who's related to her wants to be. Certainly that will codicil isn't the kind of thing a pleasant person is likely to resort to.

Okay, yeah, that's the likeliest explanation.

The only thing I can think of reading that letter is "that's a lot of passive voice"...

Is this actually a real thing, or is it the plot summary of some dire family saga novel?

Very striking that the two children her husband brought to the marriage have washed their hands of her, as well as her own children and the one she and spouse had together. They are presumably not in contact with their father, or I think she would have mentioned it.

I wonder whether sending Mom a birthday card with no return address counts for the purpose of her hate tontine?

Did her mother cut her off, or did she cut her mother off? Not that it matters. I am guessing there may have been multiple unpleasant people in this family (hoping the kids are less so).

Based on the fact that every single one of the kids want nothing to do with her, I’m guessing the kids are further along in their personal development then she is.

I hope she’s the single awful outlier, all her kids and her mom had to cut her out, but the adult kids and their grandma have a great relationship. That would be much nicer than things being multi-generational terrible.

Well, there's her grandfather as well. Someone in that story was probably terrible. Not that I trust LW's narrative.

To link this to another recent entry, maybe from childhood onwards she made a practice of trying to feed people their allergens and both her mother and children got sick of trying to get her to stop it?

I know, this is a fanfic, but this letter is very fiction inspiring.

That can be through phone records or texts or word of mouth from the others.

If the kids’ support for each other is stronger than their greed, then once every five months they could trade off to send an email with updates from all the sibs, and vouch for each other to the executor (after her death) as having been in “word of mouth” contact. That way each of them will only have to be in brief contact with her once every 35 months.

Edited 2023-09-23 23:41 (UTC)