agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR ABBY: I'm in a relationship with someone younger. I'm 17, and he's 15. When I first met him, I was told he was a junior. We were close friends and have been through so much together, good and bad, and we've now been in a six-month relationship.

We don't have bad intentions because we are waiting for marriage before having sex. I have struggled with depression and anxiety, but he makes me happier than I have ever been. He's the man I have been asking God for. He treats me like a princess. I have no doubt in my mind that he could be The One.

The problem is, his parents don't like the age difference. My parents don't have a problem with it because their age gap is the same. They are also very strict, and they will agree only if his parents agree. His parents have a bigger age gap but still are iffy about us. What I don't understand is why I can't be happy with him without our parents thinking we're going to have sex without thinking about consequences.

When we are together, we forget about the age gap. How do I make our parents understand? Must we break up for the sake of our parents when I could fall into another depression? I don't want to go back to where I was. I can't lose him. Please help. -- HAPPY GIRL NOW

DEAR GIRL: You don't have to lose this boyfriend, but you may have to postpone him. In the meantime, it's important that you receive help for your depression and anxiety because it's unfair to your boyfriend to make your happiness his responsibility. Your happiness should not be dependent on another person.

If your parents are unaware of your mental health struggles, tell them so they can assist you in getting professional help if necessary. If they cannot do that, talk about it with a counselor at your school.

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So, for starters, Abby's advice is quite correct, and probably the only thing this young woman will actually listen to.

Since I'm not giving her advice, though, I can go a bit farther:

Purity culture abstinence teachings are bullshit, and they do terrible things to kids. 17 is too young to be thinking about marriage. Six months into a relationship is generally too early to be thinking about marriage - and I say that with full awareness that my parents decided to get married after meeting each other once while my mother was engaged to another man*. It worked out for them, but I still wouldn't advise it. And while this isn't strictly a purity culture bit of garbage, "The One" is a stupid idea that needs to die. There are billions of people in this world. Lots of them are perfectly nice, and would be great people to be in a romantic relationship with for some time or for life.

From a fairly young age my mother always said two things to us. First, that she was born smack dab in the middle of people older than her who lied and said they were virgins "of course" when they weren't, and people younger than her who lied and said they weren't virgins "of course" when they were, and that since people will say just about anything it probably doesn't really matter. Second, that it's very stupid to confuse sex or infatuation for love, and that's how people end up in bad relationships.

And man, she was right, and I want to say both those things to these two people, LW and her boyfriend.

But they wouldn't listen to me if I did.

* He was fine. Married somebody else within a year. All evidence suggests that marriage was just as happy as my parents'.

awww kiddo.

Conuly is right and practical, but I can't help a bittersweet smile.

What on Earth is this about?

>> When I first met him, I was told he was a junior.

Did he lie about his age when they first got together? Why is that just dropped in there?

My guess is that she assumed his age from his grade in school, and then he turned out to be younger than most of his classmates. (I skipped a grade, and I was 15 for about half of my junior year.)

Or someone else thought he was a junior when he wasn't. It's weird how ages matter So Much in high school. My daughter dated a boy two grades below her (due to birthdays they were well under two years apart) and his parents (who were very nice but kind of overprotective) freaked out about it a little and my daughter's friends called her a cougar.