agonyaunt | (no subject)

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Dear Annie: My mother-in-law has been diagnosed with cervical cancer back in our home country. My husband planned to pay all the expenses for her care, including treatments, hospital visits and food. His three older sisters live near his mom (one lives with his mom). He said his sisters are poorer than we are when comparing our hourly wages. I said the expenses should be divided by all the children -- or at least the richest sister who owns a house and a tourist van. This has led to a major argument between my husband and me. He said that I am being selfish and cruel and that if it were my parents with cancer, he would sell our house to help them.

The sisters said the package for treatment was about $4,600. Then they rounded it up to $5,000, plus four injections afterward for an add of $400.

I told my husband to ask for proof of the receipts from all the bills. With the receipts, we would pay all the costs for mother-in-law treatments and hospital visits. Without receipts, we would pay $4,800, which is more than the treatment package cost of $4,600.

My husband said he would never ask for the receipts, since they are his siblings. I reminded him a few times about asking for receipts while we were on FaceTime with his family. He didn't ask. Then he would tell me he forgot to ask.

I told him he could come back home to take care of his mom and pay by himself, but he wouldn't want to go because he is worried about our monthly mortgage and our two daughters (4 and 17 years old). I told him I'm able to take care of our monthly mortgage, bills and our children. We have been married for 19 years.

Am I overreacting or being selfish for wanting to know where our money is going to? -- Confused Wife in Oregon

Dear Confused Wife in Oregon: First off, I am sorry about your mother-in-law's diagnosis. That is hard for everyone involved, and your husband is kind to want to care for his mom. I think asking for receipts is a little petty, but if it will make you feel better about supporting his mom, then you can ask. But at the end of the day, I would look at your husband as a kind, generous and thoughtful son, which I'm sure translates into the type of husband and father he is. Consider yourself lucky to be with such a kind man.

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I have no idea what LW's problem is. I mean, I do know what it is, but I can't understand it.

LW doesn't seem at all concerned about actually being able to afford the $5k for MIL's medical care. No, she just thinks that her sisters-in-law are ripping them off. Even if that's the case - and she's presented absolutely no evidence backing this up - from where I'm sitting I can't imagine that whatever they've been skimming off the top of the medical care is at all equal to the value of the actual labor they've surely put into making sure their mother is fed, has her medications on time, gets to all her appointments, understands the medical treatment, and so on. Treatment for cancer can do a number on your ability to handle your own needs, so it's good if you have friends or family who can help.

Frankly, $5k sounds like a bargain to me, so why is LW starting fights over it if they can actually afford this cost?

Edited 2023-08-29 18:54 (UTC)

Yes, unless LW is in ***genuine hardship*** along the lines of

- in danger of not making their mortgage payments

- in danger of not paying their rent

- struggling to buy enough groceries

- struggling to pay for health insurance

- struggling to pay for medications

- struggling to pay for Drs appointments

- having to raid their retirement savings

I would advise letting this go.

Frankly, $5k sounds like a bargain to me, so why is LW starting fights over it if they can actually afford this cost?

THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS. So many times, THIS, THIS, THIS, THIS, THIS. Especially if the sisters are doing a lot/all of the onsite care.

$5k sounds like a bargain to me

Yeah, seriously, LW lives in the USA, where $5000 would get you the oncologist sending you a Get Well Soon card, if you also provided the stamp.

what's not to understand? LW wants to keep the money and the sisters want to have the money. There may or may not be dire need, probably lw is selfish and greedy

Yikes. LW is awful!

I wonder whether there has been a pattern of the family in the old country expecting Rich American Son to step up with the cash before this. Otherwise, it's hard to account for the LW's asking for receipts.

I do think the request for receipts is fine. Indeed, the hospital may even be able to bill Son directly, rather than trouble Mom with the outlay.

Indeed, the hospital may even be able to bill Son directly, rather than trouble Mom with the outlay.

This! Frame it as "it's easier for everyone if the bill gets sent directly to me--- that makes it faster/easier to make sure it's paid on time and it's one less thing for [sisters] to have to deal with." (Depending on where The Old Country is, mail delays may be a legit issue that could result in bills not getting paid on time, so one less step in the getting-bills-paid process could be a very good thing for everyone.)

I mean, I'd guess that they have been leaning on him to help pay for Mom's care for a while. But during her cancer treatment is not when and where I'd draw the line.

I do think the request for receipts is fine.

Husband doesn't want to ask for receipts because Husband - I think correctly - perceives LW as stating that his sisters are lying liars, and he doesn't want to accuse them of lying.

Edited 2023-08-30 00:51 (UTC)

It's possible the sisters in the home country are "richer" than LW factoring in cost of living - if they're saying "you're making $15/hour in Portland and we're living in Pakistan on only $10 an hour so you need to send us money!" and they've been pulling that for years, LW *might* be a tiny bit justified. And the fact that LW specifically mentions hourly wage makes me wonder if it might be something like that.

But LW would still have an easier time paying a $4000 bill, even if the $4000 goes a lot farther in the home country. And as people above said, the sisters are probably putting in far more than that in sweat equity.

Edited 2023-08-29 21:27 (UTC)

I have a couple of in-laws where if they were saying "Mom's care cost $X", I'd absolutely want to see the receipt -- and so would Spouse. (And I have other in-laws whose word I would absoutely take, or who I would know were putting in the sweat equity so would be fine with giving them a bit of financial help.)

This is the bit that gives me pause:

and that if it were my parents with cancer, he would sell our house to help them

Would LW (and LW's parents) want LW and husband to sell their house to help with payments? And if they did, where would LW and family then live? I'm in a city where yes, I could pay a good-sized medical bill if I sold my house; I'd also then be paying twice my current housing expenses to rent a home.

LW might be awful, but LW might also be dealing with a husband who prioritizes his birth family over his wife and kids.

There's Missing Information here. Asking for receipts is kind of drastic on LW's part. Unless something similar happened in the past with another close family member and money issues cropped up that caused a problem for LW's family--in which case it might be justified. (And if that were true, why was it not mentioned in LW's letter?)

There is definitely an issue of trust here that LW must address with her husband; he doesn't seem to trust her to manage their family if he were to go back to visit and care for his mom.

LW sounds awful. She doesn't make any mention of them not being able to afford it, in fact says they would be fine if her husband took time off work and took a trip back home to help his mother and "paid for it himself" (however that would work). The sisters live there and are doing the work of caring for their mom. It seems only fair that if the husband is both in a better financial situation than his sisters and not doing any of the work due to living overseas, he pay for the treatment.

Am I overreacting or being selfish for wanting to know where our money is going to?

Uh, you know where the money is going to, LW. $5k is nothing in medical bills.

It's so nothing in medical bills, that one wonders if the relatives are saying that they're paying above and beyond standard free health care for superior conditions, and LW wonders if that's where it's actually going.

She's not even quibbling about the $5000. She's willing to pay $4800 without receipts and $5000 with. She's making a fuss over $200.

Or possibly $600 - I'm not exactly sure how this math is supposed to work out, honestly. It's a confusingly worded sentence.

Yeah, on a closer read, the sticking point seems to be the extra money for "hospital visits". It's unclear what that includes, but if they're paying hotels (or luxury accommodations) + meals, especially for people other than Mom that LW doesn't have a great trust relationship with, asking for receipts is probably a little bit more reasonable.

This is probably my American showing, but $5k for the full course of treatment sounds like nothing. I mean Jesus, my deductible is $3,500.

My neutral reaction: "Well, the members of this couple certainly have different attitudes toward money. No wonder they're having a problem."

My own values are much closer to the husband's. I could understand the wife's concern if they didn't know how much money the treatment would ultimately cost and they were expected to be on the hook for all of it, or if there were history of financial assistance being spent on something other than what it was intended for. But it doesn't sound like that's the case, and the nitpicky stuff about whether they pay the extra $200 or $400 makes her seem mean (in at least two senses of the word).

I wish the advice had been more practical. "Do you really want to spend your energy on creating more conflict here and if so why?" and "The two of you should talk to a neutral party about the differences in your approaches to money, because probably this isn't the only time it's come up."

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