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A year ago, I was told I had a form of ovarian cancer and was given two to three years to live — five years, if I’m in the top quartile of patients. I nursed my husband through metastatic lung cancer for 15 months. It was horrific; I am hoping that God takes me early.
My sister, whom I love very much, is part of a fundamentalist Christian church and is one of their top “prayer warriors.” As such, she calls me nearly every day and launches into long prayers asking God to send my cancer to the “foot of the cross.” She implores me to pray with her and says that if I just believe that God will cure me, he will.
I grew up Catholic and have fallen away from the church. I believe God is bigger than what we can understand as human beings. I am a data-driven health care practitioner: I believe that everybody has to die of something, and this happens to be my fate.
I’ve told her as tactfully as I can that her praying for me and expecting me to pray with her for my cure is upsetting to me. It makes me feel that if there is a God, he must really hate me; otherwise, he would have cured me. (She says that he wants to use me as a “messenger” to others and that it’s the Devil, not God, who gave this disease to me.) Also, I had a pretty abusive marriage, and I am a little freaked out that, if there is life after death, my husband will have the opportunity to abuse me more in the afterlife.
What do I say to my sister without belittling her beliefs? I’ve told her that if she wants to pray for me, I would rather she do it on her own time and not ask me to participate. But she is persistent, thinking that she’s going to “save my soul” and my body at the same time. She disputes every reason that I give her and insists that what she is doing is helpful. But it’s not helpful; it sends me into a terrible depression. — Name Withheld
Yours isn’t the stereotypical clash between believer and skeptic. You’re a believer of sorts, as your anxieties about meeting your late husband establish. (Let me assure you that on the standard Christian view, as the Catholic and Protestant clerics I conferred with agree, you would not be subject to your late husband’s abuse in the afterlife.) What you don’t believe in is a personal God or the power of intercessory prayer. Given that your sister very much does believe in these things, what she’s doing makes sense.
And that’s why this clash is so difficult: Hers is the good-hearted action of a devoted sibling. You’ve made your arguments; at this point, you should simply let her know that you find her calls to prayer dispiriting and that you want to spend your remaining time making peace with your condition, not spending your energy in what you consider a futile effort to deny reality. You can tell her all this firmly but tenderly and without bitterness, acknowledging that she has been acting out of her love for you. (You could ask others in the family to support your request as well, if you think that would make a difference.)
Even the staunchest of believers struggle with doubt, and your prayer-warrior sister may also be having a hard time accepting your mortality. The idea that she can’t do anything about it may pain her. Whatever the explanation, though, you may have to tell her that if she calls to pray with you, you are just going to put the phone down. Your situation is already difficult. Your sister’s convictions — and her love for you — don’t entitle her to make it worse. What you need from her now is a particularly exacting kind of love: the kind of love that sets aside its own convictions out of respect for the convictions of another.
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My sister, whom I love very much, is part of a fundamentalist Christian church and is one of their top “prayer warriors.” As such, she calls me nearly every day and launches into long prayers asking God to send my cancer to the “foot of the cross.” She implores me to pray with her and says that if I just believe that God will cure me, he will.
I grew up Catholic and have fallen away from the church. I believe God is bigger than what we can understand as human beings. I am a data-driven health care practitioner: I believe that everybody has to die of something, and this happens to be my fate.
I’ve told her as tactfully as I can that her praying for me and expecting me to pray with her for my cure is upsetting to me. It makes me feel that if there is a God, he must really hate me; otherwise, he would have cured me. (She says that he wants to use me as a “messenger” to others and that it’s the Devil, not God, who gave this disease to me.) Also, I had a pretty abusive marriage, and I am a little freaked out that, if there is life after death, my husband will have the opportunity to abuse me more in the afterlife.
What do I say to my sister without belittling her beliefs? I’ve told her that if she wants to pray for me, I would rather she do it on her own time and not ask me to participate. But she is persistent, thinking that she’s going to “save my soul” and my body at the same time. She disputes every reason that I give her and insists that what she is doing is helpful. But it’s not helpful; it sends me into a terrible depression. — Name Withheld
Yours isn’t the stereotypical clash between believer and skeptic. You’re a believer of sorts, as your anxieties about meeting your late husband establish. (Let me assure you that on the standard Christian view, as the Catholic and Protestant clerics I conferred with agree, you would not be subject to your late husband’s abuse in the afterlife.) What you don’t believe in is a personal God or the power of intercessory prayer. Given that your sister very much does believe in these things, what she’s doing makes sense.
And that’s why this clash is so difficult: Hers is the good-hearted action of a devoted sibling. You’ve made your arguments; at this point, you should simply let her know that you find her calls to prayer dispiriting and that you want to spend your remaining time making peace with your condition, not spending your energy in what you consider a futile effort to deny reality. You can tell her all this firmly but tenderly and without bitterness, acknowledging that she has been acting out of her love for you. (You could ask others in the family to support your request as well, if you think that would make a difference.)
Even the staunchest of believers struggle with doubt, and your prayer-warrior sister may also be having a hard time accepting your mortality. The idea that she can’t do anything about it may pain her. Whatever the explanation, though, you may have to tell her that if she calls to pray with you, you are just going to put the phone down. Your situation is already difficult. Your sister’s convictions — and her love for you — don’t entitle her to make it worse. What you need from her now is a particularly exacting kind of love: the kind of love that sets aside its own convictions out of respect for the convictions of another.
Link
no subject
Tell your sister that you are following the words of Jesus, Matthew 6:5-6, and you prefer to pray in private, when no one else can hear you. For you, I'm not saying you have to do that, but your sister isn't going to hear much less than actual Gospel quotes, even as a possibility. It still might not work, but I'd tell her I'm taking the phone into another room and closing the door so she isn't violating your own faith, and do it.
Now as Jewish, I don't believe in a transactional Deity as well: "if enough prayers are said, G-d will surely heal me?" No. Good things happen to bad people, bad things happen to good people. "The Devil" to me is only a prosecutor in G-d's court and can't act outside Divine will. "As G-d is my judge", your abusive spouse will have already had his own judgement and cannot hurt you more.
My mom died of gastric cancer in 2006. Did knowing that people of many faiths were praying for her, support her in dealing with the medical treatment side effects? Yes, because she felt cared about knowing that Jews, Christians, Muslims, and Hindus loved her enough to beseech what they found holy for her support.
I don't have any answers for you, and my advice is worth exactly what you paid for it, nothing, but if you want to rail against a Deity that would let bad things happen to good people, I will listen.
no subject
(Also, thank you for your work! It's a really hard job but so important.)
no subject
I would imagine that the sister would agree that prayer is hard work. Listening to someone pray in your ear when you'd rather they didn't is also hard work. It's completely understandable that the LW has other things she'd like to be doing with her energy. And that's just if we assume everyone is acting in good faith, rather than assume what I assume, which is that the sister is using the LW to feel important and gain position in her community.