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Niblings and - wait, what's the gender-neutral term for aunts and uncles?
1. Dear Amy: I have twin nieces, both 29. We’ve always been close. Their dad (my brother) is an alcoholic known to draw unwanted attention to himself. You can imagine being teenagers and dealing with this challenge and embarrassment.
I am the “Gunkle” (gay uncle) who has always been their biggest cheerleader, helped financially for their education, the person they often came to for advice, etc. We’re super close, although we have always lived in different cities and now only see each other a couple times a year.
Last weekend one of my nieces (who has mentioned that I am one of the most important people in their life) attended a concert in another state. Her husband and I have our own (poor) opinions of one another. I have actively tried to repair the relationship but have not had any response from him.
Anyway, to get to this concert, they literally had to drive within a mile from my home – both coming and going. She did not visit or let me know they would be nearby. The only reason I know she attended was by her social media posts. I am hurt. The trip was for a music festival so it’s not like they couldn’t have driven 10 blocks out of the way and said a quick hello.
I just feel a bit disrespected and disappointed in her. She and her sister are the closest to daughters I will ever have. How should I react? Am I expecting too much?
– Gunkle
Dear Gunkle: You are not expecting too much.
Here’s the transparently frank response: “I was so disappointed to see on Instagram that you and Brad went to Lollapalooza, literally driving within a mile of my house! It really hurt my feelings that you didn’t even slow down for a quick hello.”
Your niece might then react to your honesty with embarrassment, perhaps a sheepish apology or lame explanation, and by clicking “hide” on her social media account, hence removing the trigger to your hurt feelings.
There is another way to respond; it’s not thoroughly honest, but a little lighter, brighter, and on brand for the devoted “gunkle” you’ve established yourself to be. And so you might send her an email or a text: “I saw on Instagram that you went to Lollapalooza, and if you drove, you would have passed very near my house. I hope you know that you are always welcome to stop in, even briefly or last-minute. I would love to have seen you!”
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2. Dear Annie: My sister-in-law has lived with my in-laws for four years. When she and her then-infant moved in, it was an emergency situation -- leaving an abusive relationship. However, she does not seem to have plans or ambitions to move out. My husband's parents (in their 70s with health concerns) watch her child (now 4) every day while she works from 2-10 p.m. She also uses them to go out with friends and go away for weekends.
It's a small house with only two bedrooms. When she moved in, she took over the house. Her stuff and the child's things are everywhere. The stinky diaper pail is in the living room. And you usually can't even walk with the toys everywhere. On top of this, my in-laws tell my kids they can't go to this or that because they are watching said grandchild. They don't travel and go on vacations like they had planned for retirement because that would leave her without a sitter.
To be clear, they were always willing to help with our kids when they were young. But we never asked for more than one day a week. And my kids would be fine with the fact that they didn't come to their sporting events if the reason wasn't because of babysitting.
I feel like we don't stop over as often to see them because it is stressful and frustrating and the child gets mad when our kids play with his toys. I know that is on me and I just need to force myself to visit for the sake of our parents.
My husband's parents are adults and obviously can make their own choices, yet I feel like they and my husband's sister are at fault for the situation. We don't want to come across as jealous or that we don't love them, but it's very frustrating to see how selfish she is being. Should we say something or let it be? -- Frustrated Family
Dear Frustrated Family: Perhaps your in-laws are not bothered by the situation the way you are. Maybe their perspective is that they get to spend time with their daughter and grandchild. If they were truly annoyed, my guess is they would be writing to me asking how to kick their daughter and grandchild out of the house.
As far as your kids playing with toys and the cousins fighting, that is up to you to talk to your children and to your brother about how best to teach the kids to share and get along.
Because four years is a long time to live with someone, your husband might suggest that his sister pay their parents rent, or chip in another way, for staying. But if their parents say no, then there's really nothing you can do about it, so -- to answer your question -- at that point I would let it be.
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3. Dear Annie: I am currently married with no kids. I travel a lot for work and vacation. The issue is my wife's sister, her husband and their kids. Three years ago, my wife and I allowed them to move into our home because their living situation was not great. They shared a small apartment that was overrun with rats and cockroaches. We told them that they could stay until they were able to get back on their feet. This was only supposed to be six months to a year. Annie, it's been three years in counting with no end in sight.
This is the father's third marriage, and he has seven kids in total. The children rule the roost and are not disciplined. I am no longer their fun-loving uncle. We butt heads about everything. I find myself on the edge of screaming at them daily. When I get home from work, the house is a complete mess. They eat all the food I buy, don't clean and do not pay rent. They are on easy street, and I am paying for it.
My wife and I had decided to finally give them a "hard" deadline to leave this past spring. My wife's sister lost her job just before this deadline. She was employed three weeks later -- while the husband has been employed this whole time -- but the "hard" deadline came and went. Worse yet, my wife is completely on their side. She doesn't want them to be forced out because then she would be abandoning "family." I am at my wits' end and don't know what to do. A co-worker suggested that when I'm home, I should be in nothing but my underwear to make the situation uncomfortable for them so they will leave. I feel like I am completely out of options and have been actually considering this or worse. Please, Annie, what should I do? -- Almost Au Naturel in Alabama
Dear Almost Au Naturel: Your co-worker's suggestion gets points for creativity. Unfortunately, it is also passive, avoidant and immature. A direct confrontation would solve your problem quickly, but it sounds like you are willing to do anything to avoid that.
The first step is to get on the same page as your wife. Explain to her that you are not abandoning the family -- and perhaps brainstorm some other ways in which you can support them -- but that you need to regain control of your home in order to preserve your well-being. Once you and your wife find your common ground, initiate the long-overdue conversation.
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4. DEAR ABBY: My niece, who just turned 5, is twice the size of a normal child her age. Her parents are also overweight. They let her eat what she wants, and the amount of food is what an adult would eat. I am so worried, both from a health perspective as well as about social acceptance by her peers. Must I shut my mouth? How can I address this without alienating them, as I cherish our relationship? -- WORRIED IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR WORRIED: To discuss this with the overweight parents would be like tap dancing in a minefield. It could be interpreted as judgmental and make them defensive. However, when your niece is with you, model healthy behavior in your choices of what you eat and serve her to eat. If you do, you will be able to demonstrate that not everyone eats the way her parents do.
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5. DEAR ABBY: My brother is 53. He has one child, my 12-year-old nephew, "Conner." Our father was difficult, and neither of us has many happy memories of times we shared with him. Perhaps in response to this, my brother seems incapable of socializing without his son. Many times, he suggests outings to my husband or his friends and then throws in that he's planning on bringing Conner. We do not want the boy included in what should be adult outings, but we can't find a way of saying it. If I'm planning a dinner out or something else where I think he might invite his son, I preface it with a grownups-only clause. I can't discuss it with my sister-in-law because even though I know she would understand, she wouldn't be tactful in mentioning it to my brother. My husband is not the type to say anything; it would mean more coming from him, but he doesn't want to cause upset. By the way, my brother is very outgoing and socially adept, so it's not like he needs this 12-year-old crutch. Any suggestions would be most appreciated. -- FRUSTRATED IN NEVADA
DEAR FRUSTRATED: Your brother may not need a social crutch, but from what you have described, the same may not be true of your nephew. Most 12-year-old boys have friends they can socialize with other than Dad. Is that true of Conner, or would he be sitting alone in his room if his father didn't insert him into so many adult gatherings? Rather than tell your brother or his wife that the boy is unwelcome, it might be more helpful to ask whether Conner has difficulty socializing with his peers. If that's the case, he may need professional help.
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I am the “Gunkle” (gay uncle) who has always been their biggest cheerleader, helped financially for their education, the person they often came to for advice, etc. We’re super close, although we have always lived in different cities and now only see each other a couple times a year.
Last weekend one of my nieces (who has mentioned that I am one of the most important people in their life) attended a concert in another state. Her husband and I have our own (poor) opinions of one another. I have actively tried to repair the relationship but have not had any response from him.
Anyway, to get to this concert, they literally had to drive within a mile from my home – both coming and going. She did not visit or let me know they would be nearby. The only reason I know she attended was by her social media posts. I am hurt. The trip was for a music festival so it’s not like they couldn’t have driven 10 blocks out of the way and said a quick hello.
I just feel a bit disrespected and disappointed in her. She and her sister are the closest to daughters I will ever have. How should I react? Am I expecting too much?
– Gunkle
Dear Gunkle: You are not expecting too much.
Here’s the transparently frank response: “I was so disappointed to see on Instagram that you and Brad went to Lollapalooza, literally driving within a mile of my house! It really hurt my feelings that you didn’t even slow down for a quick hello.”
Your niece might then react to your honesty with embarrassment, perhaps a sheepish apology or lame explanation, and by clicking “hide” on her social media account, hence removing the trigger to your hurt feelings.
There is another way to respond; it’s not thoroughly honest, but a little lighter, brighter, and on brand for the devoted “gunkle” you’ve established yourself to be. And so you might send her an email or a text: “I saw on Instagram that you went to Lollapalooza, and if you drove, you would have passed very near my house. I hope you know that you are always welcome to stop in, even briefly or last-minute. I would love to have seen you!”
Link
2. Dear Annie: My sister-in-law has lived with my in-laws for four years. When she and her then-infant moved in, it was an emergency situation -- leaving an abusive relationship. However, she does not seem to have plans or ambitions to move out. My husband's parents (in their 70s with health concerns) watch her child (now 4) every day while she works from 2-10 p.m. She also uses them to go out with friends and go away for weekends.
It's a small house with only two bedrooms. When she moved in, she took over the house. Her stuff and the child's things are everywhere. The stinky diaper pail is in the living room. And you usually can't even walk with the toys everywhere. On top of this, my in-laws tell my kids they can't go to this or that because they are watching said grandchild. They don't travel and go on vacations like they had planned for retirement because that would leave her without a sitter.
To be clear, they were always willing to help with our kids when they were young. But we never asked for more than one day a week. And my kids would be fine with the fact that they didn't come to their sporting events if the reason wasn't because of babysitting.
I feel like we don't stop over as often to see them because it is stressful and frustrating and the child gets mad when our kids play with his toys. I know that is on me and I just need to force myself to visit for the sake of our parents.
My husband's parents are adults and obviously can make their own choices, yet I feel like they and my husband's sister are at fault for the situation. We don't want to come across as jealous or that we don't love them, but it's very frustrating to see how selfish she is being. Should we say something or let it be? -- Frustrated Family
Dear Frustrated Family: Perhaps your in-laws are not bothered by the situation the way you are. Maybe their perspective is that they get to spend time with their daughter and grandchild. If they were truly annoyed, my guess is they would be writing to me asking how to kick their daughter and grandchild out of the house.
As far as your kids playing with toys and the cousins fighting, that is up to you to talk to your children and to your brother about how best to teach the kids to share and get along.
Because four years is a long time to live with someone, your husband might suggest that his sister pay their parents rent, or chip in another way, for staying. But if their parents say no, then there's really nothing you can do about it, so -- to answer your question -- at that point I would let it be.
Link
3. Dear Annie: I am currently married with no kids. I travel a lot for work and vacation. The issue is my wife's sister, her husband and their kids. Three years ago, my wife and I allowed them to move into our home because their living situation was not great. They shared a small apartment that was overrun with rats and cockroaches. We told them that they could stay until they were able to get back on their feet. This was only supposed to be six months to a year. Annie, it's been three years in counting with no end in sight.
This is the father's third marriage, and he has seven kids in total. The children rule the roost and are not disciplined. I am no longer their fun-loving uncle. We butt heads about everything. I find myself on the edge of screaming at them daily. When I get home from work, the house is a complete mess. They eat all the food I buy, don't clean and do not pay rent. They are on easy street, and I am paying for it.
My wife and I had decided to finally give them a "hard" deadline to leave this past spring. My wife's sister lost her job just before this deadline. She was employed three weeks later -- while the husband has been employed this whole time -- but the "hard" deadline came and went. Worse yet, my wife is completely on their side. She doesn't want them to be forced out because then she would be abandoning "family." I am at my wits' end and don't know what to do. A co-worker suggested that when I'm home, I should be in nothing but my underwear to make the situation uncomfortable for them so they will leave. I feel like I am completely out of options and have been actually considering this or worse. Please, Annie, what should I do? -- Almost Au Naturel in Alabama
Dear Almost Au Naturel: Your co-worker's suggestion gets points for creativity. Unfortunately, it is also passive, avoidant and immature. A direct confrontation would solve your problem quickly, but it sounds like you are willing to do anything to avoid that.
The first step is to get on the same page as your wife. Explain to her that you are not abandoning the family -- and perhaps brainstorm some other ways in which you can support them -- but that you need to regain control of your home in order to preserve your well-being. Once you and your wife find your common ground, initiate the long-overdue conversation.
Link
4. DEAR ABBY: My niece, who just turned 5, is twice the size of a normal child her age. Her parents are also overweight. They let her eat what she wants, and the amount of food is what an adult would eat. I am so worried, both from a health perspective as well as about social acceptance by her peers. Must I shut my mouth? How can I address this without alienating them, as I cherish our relationship? -- WORRIED IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR WORRIED: To discuss this with the overweight parents would be like tap dancing in a minefield. It could be interpreted as judgmental and make them defensive. However, when your niece is with you, model healthy behavior in your choices of what you eat and serve her to eat. If you do, you will be able to demonstrate that not everyone eats the way her parents do.
Link
5. DEAR ABBY: My brother is 53. He has one child, my 12-year-old nephew, "Conner." Our father was difficult, and neither of us has many happy memories of times we shared with him. Perhaps in response to this, my brother seems incapable of socializing without his son. Many times, he suggests outings to my husband or his friends and then throws in that he's planning on bringing Conner. We do not want the boy included in what should be adult outings, but we can't find a way of saying it. If I'm planning a dinner out or something else where I think he might invite his son, I preface it with a grownups-only clause. I can't discuss it with my sister-in-law because even though I know she would understand, she wouldn't be tactful in mentioning it to my brother. My husband is not the type to say anything; it would mean more coming from him, but he doesn't want to cause upset. By the way, my brother is very outgoing and socially adept, so it's not like he needs this 12-year-old crutch. Any suggestions would be most appreciated. -- FRUSTRATED IN NEVADA
DEAR FRUSTRATED: Your brother may not need a social crutch, but from what you have described, the same may not be true of your nephew. Most 12-year-old boys have friends they can socialize with other than Dad. Is that true of Conner, or would he be sitting alone in his room if his father didn't insert him into so many adult gatherings? Rather than tell your brother or his wife that the boy is unwelcome, it might be more helpful to ask whether Conner has difficulty socializing with his peers. If that's the case, he may need professional help.
Link