but whose baby does grandma think it is...?

[ysobel]

Dear Amy: My daughter is moving nearby with her husband and 8-month-old son. She has a flexible job and works from an office in her home, and she has asked me to watch my grandson two afternoons a week. (I am retired.)

I love my daughter. She is a wonderful human being, but she can get under my skin like no one else. She has a way of saying mean comments (“He is MY baby!”) or just being thoughtless. (She rarely expresses gratitude for gifts or favors.)

I am highly sensitive, and when I am feeling confident, her behavior does not grate as much, but when I am not feeling confident, it is hard to take. I worry babysitting will strain our relationship, with all of the pitfalls involved (mainly criticism from her). Should I address the issue or just buck up and be a strong grandma?

— Clueless in Carolina

Clueless in Carolina: You should address it in advance, and buck up and be a strong grandma. You never say whether you actually want to take this on, but if you do, then you should establish some clear parameters. You might choose to watch him in your home instead of hers. She would bring him to you, and you would bring him back at a designated time. This removes you from her direct scrutiny.

Talk this through in advance, and let her know that you will try this for two or three months, and that if it does not work out for either of you, she can make another arrangement with no hard feelings (the “strong grandma” part).

Comments

[cereta]

Oh, I am trying not to identify too hard, here, because yeah, I've said some variation of, "She's my kid, and her father and I make the decisions about here, and no, I don't need your input on the matter" to my own mother more than once. When my daughter was very tiny, nearly every other visit involved serious frustration about my mother's critical comments. But I have to say, I'm hard pressed to see what would prompt a parent to say that to their own parent except something like criticism or a refusal to follow their wishes.

[summerstorm]

It's a bit weird to call 'He is MY baby' a mean comment. I guess it can be said meanly, but it's not like... insulting anybody? And why would anyone say that unless the person they're saying it to did something against their wishes? Grandma doesn't tell us what prompted any of it. Also, some people expect levels of gratitude that go way beyond reasonable. So I'm not sure LW is being transparent in this letter. I think the advice is solid either way, though.

[ysobel]

It's also telling that that's the chosen "mean comment". Like, literally it *is* the daughter's baby?

Plus the "rarely expresses gratitude for gifts or favors" thing *could* be entitlement ... but reads to me more like Grandma giving unwanted gifts-with-strings...

[azurelunatic]

If I was saying "this is MY kid" frequently to a relative, I think that perhaps I would not want that relative to care for my kid outside of my home.

[ysobel]

Yeah, the "do it at your home instead!" bit of the advice had me eeping.

[serafina20]

LW must be the same person who scolded me for saying rude things to my coworkers like, "Please don't interrupt me," and, "Please let me finish."

[azurelunatic]

But if LW does suggest that as an option, I'm sure her daughter will have something to say about it.

[summerstorm]

Yes, this is why I think it's good advice. LW will have a rude awakening if she's at fault in all of this (and probably learn nothing from it, unfortunately).

That bad advice

[minoanmiss]

LW. Your daughter is clearly incompetent. Take the grand baby and move across the country. You’ll get it right this time. What could go wrong?

[cimorene]

Or at all, depending on how often...

Re: That bad advice

[kellyblah]

Pretty sure that is what LW was looking for! And damn, Amy! So close to that BS. Poor daughter.

Re: That bad advice

[minoanmiss]

ahahah yeah, I'm imitating the style of "that bad advice", a satirical column which gives the answers LWs obviously want rather than actual sanity.