Dear Prudence: Graham is hot as hell, and my coworkers suck

[jadelennox]

Content note Letter discusses awful anti-fatness (not LW's), and Jenée flubs the response.

Dear Prudence,

I’ve been in my new job for about 9 months, and I have a massive crush on my project manager, “Graham.” He’s sweet, unassuming, and a great manager—super competent and take-charge without being an ass about it. He’s also extremely hot and—I would guess—around 350-400 pounds. Everyone loves him as a coworker, but in an office full of 20- and 30-somethings who love to gossip and moon over every other “eligible bachelor” at our company, no one says a word about Graham. Fine by me, though it’s not like it could really go anywhere, since he’s technically my superior.

Recently I was having lunch with one of my coworkers, “Janine,” who until now I really liked. She was telling me about her thing for a guy in a neighboring department, so in the spirit of reciprocity, I told her about my huge crush on Graham, thinking it would be fun to joke/commiserate about unattainable workplace crushes. I finished with “obviously, it would never work,” meaning that of course it wouldn’t because he’s my manager and it would be totally inappropriate. But she nodded sympathetically and said, “I know, I could never be with someone that big,” which wasn’t what I meant AT ALL! I tried to set her straight and tell her that it wasn’t his weight, it was his role, but she said something about how he has a great personality and it’s such a shame, he could be so handsome if he weren’t so big, so I don’t think she got the picture.

Even worse, she definitely told another coworker, “Rachel,” because this week when Rachel and I were having lunch together, she said, “I heard about Graham. It’s too bad, isn’t it?” When I asked what she meant, she said, “You know, that he’s such a good guy but he looks like that.” I was so thrown. She’d made it sound like he was quitting or had gotten a terminal diagnosis or something! My brain stalled out and I said, “Like what? Super hot?” and she looked at me like I had three heads. The rest of lunch was very awkward.

So now I’m not only mortified that Janine and Rachel think that Graham’s size (and maybe fatness in general) is an issue for me, but I’m also put off that both of them expressed such fatphobic things to me so openly and expected me to agree. How do I address this with them? DO I address it, or do I just leave it and limit my interactions with them to small talk from now on?

—WTF in West Virginia

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Dear WTF,

If you can find an opportunity, you might say “Remember our conversation about Graham the other day? I just want to be clear that the reason I wouldn’t date him is that he’s my manager. I wanted to mention it because I hate to see people dismissed because of their size.” In this way, you’re both clarifying your values and doing a little, tiny bit to challenge your colleagues’ thinking in a way that could contribute to a world in which people aren’t disrespected, devalued, or ignored because of their bodies. Then just lay low. In two years when none of you work there anymore, delete Janine and Rachel from social media and ask Graham out!

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