The nerve of this dude!

[conuly]

Dear Pay Dirt,

I am buying my first property at the age of 28, which I am extremely proud of. When I told my boyfriend, he had a really negative reaction. He started talking about how this would impact him in the future if we were to move in together (for context, we haven’t talked about moving in together as we have been dating for less than a year). He freaked out about where all of his stuff would go, if there was enough space for his instruments, etc. He talked about how he deserved a “vote” in the process because presumably in the future he would move in. His stream-of-consciousness ramblings then took a bit of a turn.

He started saying that he doesn’t want to pay for my mortgage and give me free equity while he got nothing—and that the whole thing didn’t feel fair to him. He then demanded to be on the title. I’ve had a hard time letting this conversation go because I feel like he isn’t supporting me. But I also can’t verbalize why I feel so upset about this conversation and whenever I bring it up, he tells me that I’m dismissing his feelings.

—Help Me Understand?

Dear Help Me Understand,

Not to be harsh, but I will not be helping you to understand his argument. Your boyfriend is acting like an entitled jerk. Buying a house at any age is a huge accomplishment, and you should be proud! Your partner should be celebrating you, not trampling all over your success.

Purchasing your own home does not currently affect his future one bit. It’s not your concern where all his stuff would go, because he won’t be moving in anytime soon. He doesn’t deserve a vote because you’re buying this house for yourself. He’s not doing himself any favors by acting like this, but if you do hypothetically move in together one day, you can figure out where everything will go and how to split expenses once that day arrives. It is perfectly reasonable for a person to want a stake in the house they’re helping pay a mortgage for, but again, his hypothetical scenario is not your current reality.

The fact that you feel you can’t communicate with him about this without him painting himself as a victim is unsettling. Communication is one of the critical foundations of a relationship; without it, I see a difficult future for you both. Write out a list of why you feel upset about his actions. This will help you express exactly why you are upset when you talk to him. You could try something like, “Hey, I know you’re upset about the house, but I don’t appreciate how you’ve acted. I didn’t appreciate your demands when we hadn’t even talked about living together. X, X, and X have made it difficult to enjoy my home-buying process. I would prefer if we do not discuss this anymore.” If he insists on his narrative, kindly remove yourself from the conversation and honestly, consider doing some deeper introspection about the state of your relationship.

https://slate.com/business/2023/07/boyfriend-first-time-homeowner-personal-finance-advice.html

Comments

[purlewe]

oh my sweet summer child. RUN.

[minoanmiss]

What the flip!! DTMFA !

[oursin]

'Exactly when did I invite you to move into the house I am buying, bozo?'

[sathari]

This. This exactly. "Oh, don't worry, honey, I wasn't planning on you living there with me, wherever did you get that idea? Actually, at this point I'm kind of rethinking the 'continuing to see you' part of things, so you might want to worry about that before you start co-opting my personal property."

[princessofgeeks]

RUN! RUN FOR THE HILLS. Guys like this do not change. They get worse.

[syderia]

I mean, it's time for Whole Man Disposal Services, of course, but also, where did the bit about the mortgage come from?
I mean, the letter might have been edited for length, but it's a tiny bit different whether LW asked the boyfriend to help pay them mortgage or not (I'm thinking not, based on the tone of the letter, but.)

[ashbet]

Judging by the rest of the letter, it sounds like he’s blue-skying a future where he moves in with her and starts contributing to household costs (which, again, is solely hypothetical!)

The degree of entitlement of this dude!

[syderia]

Oh, yes, I see it now.

[cassildra]

Part of me wonders if he's projecting onto her what he wants to do (mooch, basically). DTMFA

[cora]

I agree with other comments here - dump him. It's a massive red flag that he is this invested when the relationship hasn't even reached the "let's consider living together" phase yet.

He started talking about how this would impact him in the future if we were to move in together (for context, we haven’t talked about moving in together as we have been dating for less than a year).

The person you are dating gets no say on where you choose to live until you're making the choice to live together (obviously some say if you're living in an unsafe situation - new house likely isn't that). Every relationship has the potential for living together, just like every relationship has the potential for breaking up before you reach that stage. It would be a lot of work and effort to plan your living situation around "but what if this relationship does reach that stage" for every relationship you are in. You'd pretty much have to move to a new living situation every new relationship. The amount of boxing and unboxing would just be utterly exhausting.

I think the boyfriend here is imaging a Disney/Hollywood film of "I got the girl - it's going to end in forever" and...real life just doesn't work like that.

[cimorene]

That's a yikes from me.

[ioplokon]

BF is definitely out of line. I guess I do kinda see if LW were buying a property where they planned to live for the next 30 years how their partner would want to talk about it, but reading between the lines, it sounds more like this is a starter property?

But anyway, the discussion wouldn't be like "give me veto power & put me on the title" but more like, "oh that's cool! What are your plans for the place?" and idk I do think maybe asking, "so, if things keep going well and we do eventually move in together, how do you see that working?", which could bring up that BF is interested in that down the line a lot more elegantly than his presumptuous ramblings...

Basically, there's a difference in being interested in your lover's homebuying plans and being entitled to a stake in them...

[tielan]

I, uh, WHUT?

So much whut.

Although, now I'm thinking of a Guardian piece which talked about relationships and the current state of house prices and uncertain rentals/mortgages meaning that one of the "nice to have"s in a dating partner is steady housing, and that this could affect the way people form and maintain relationships, particularly in more financially fragile situations.

[movingfinger]

I read that too, but you'd think that it would mean that the non-homeowner would be, you know, actually nice to the person they're buttering up for real estate.

[tielan]

Yes, that would seem logical.

I guess the guy got somewhat ahead of himself on that front.

[oursin]

We hope the guy does not play poker, because he is sure showing his hand here.

[minoanmiss]

One would think -- it says something that Boyfriend immediately went for browbeating methods instead.

[castiron]

Whole Man Cleanup needed on aisle 4....

If he had approached it as "hey, this house purchase has made me realize I'm feeling insecure about my place in your life long-term; can we talk about where we see this relationship going?" (and if there had been none of the "put me on the title because I'm dating you and therefore what's yours is mine" bullcrap), that'd be legit. As it is, DTMFA.

[movingfinger]

First, LW needs to dump this guy. Absolutely finish the relationship cold. The entitlement and encroachment he's displaying here and the "what's yours is mine and what's mine's my own" thinking are horrible. Don't give him the new address.

Then, LW needs to spend a little time in counseling or therapy to learn how to identify and name their own feelings. I have no idea why simply rereading the letter didn't clarify the alarm bells about being with this dude in this relationship, but they are deafening and I'm worried that LW has been socialized to be a compliant doormat.

[jadelennox]

I am willing to cut him a little bit of slack if they manage to have a successful conversation about this (which seems unlikely at this juncture). A lot of people have conversations in their own heads and forget they haven't had them with the other person, and it may well be that he has absolutely been imagining then moving in together soon and has been working up to a conversation about it, and he kind of forgets that he hasn't been speaking to LW about it. If they can have a grown-up conversation about it, he might be able to work through that.

But yeah, if they can't have a grown-up conversation about it, then DTMFA.