Dear Abby: My daughter has *roommates*

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: My 25-year-old daughter suffers from Peter Pan Syndrome. Three years out of college, she wants to live an "extended dorm" lifestyle with other young men/women (and their girlfriends/boyfriends), instead of settling down and moving out with her boyfriend of two years.

She says she has "a high need for affiliation" (she needs a lot of people around 24/7). But she also has a high need for change/variety and rotates roommates every two to three years. Looking for a "mini commune" in a crowded city like San Francisco is very difficult. What makes matters worse is that she also has hobbies like sewing that require a lot of space.

Is there something wrong with this lifestyle preference? And if so, how do I help her break out of it? -- WORRIED DAD IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DAD: At 25, your daughter is an adult. Many people her age live communally because it's less costly than living independently, and San Francisco has become so expensive that it's often their only option.

If she's already living in an "extended dorm" situation, it's her life to live and she'll learn lessons. If you feel compelled to offer her advice, suggest they relocate to a less expensive and crowded area, which may entail a longer commute, but with fewer roommates she will have more room for her hobbies.

Comments

[cereta]

Okay, first someone help me with the timeline, here: she is 23, 3 years out of college, and "rotates" roommates every 2-3 years, which means she has changed roommates...once? Maybe twice? Dude, at her age, I hadn't had a roommate last more than a year (grad school involves a lot of shifting like that).

But mostly...LW doesn't mention financial problems, or that she's complaining about difficulty in finding a living situation, or that the boyfriend is pushing her to move in, or anything other than maybe space being a challenge. All I see here is, "she's not living her life on the schedule or in the manner I think she should," in which case, Abby's advice of, "dude, she's an adult" is basically on. (People more familiar with the area can tell me if "move out of the city and commute longer" is a viable option.)

[ambyr]

Honestly, in San Francisco, it's just as likely that she already has a long commute--out of the city. Lots of people choose to put up with commutes into the Peninsula and beyond just to be closer to the life and culture of the city.

[jadelennox]

also, I'm 43, and I still live with roommates (and my partner), and it's a fabulous way to live. And it sounds like that's what she's doing to my interpretation; since she is living with other young people and their partners, instead of "moving out with her boyfriend" (as opposed to moving in with her boyfriend), she may well actually be living with her boyfriend and her roommates. Which, like I said, I do at 43, and I am constantly having people tell me how jealous they are of my living situation.

Also, if she isn't living with the boyfriend right now and she doesn't think of this boyfriend is likely to be permanent, living with roommates is way smarter; it means breaking up a household doesn't combine all the drama of financial arrangements and legal arrangements with all the drama of ending the relationship. WORRIED DAD is deeply confused, and thinks there is only one appropriate way to adult.

And what you and Abby and ambyr all say: in a crowded and expensive city, it's not just that it's her choice because she's an adult (which it totally is), but it's a perfectly sensible choice.

ETA: she may also be poly and lying to her dad about it, in which case that's also her business.

[kiezh]

So, your daughter has figured out some things about herself and her emotional needs, which she can clearly articulate, and she's working on making a home that she will find satisfying to live in (and which is also more financially practical than your vision of proper paired-off adulthood).

...this is a problem? That you need to "break her out of"? When you're not even sure it's wrong, you just feel anxious about it? Maybe you need to ask her advice on how she figured out her own shit, since you clearly need to figure out yours.

[melissatreglia]

*clap clap clap*

Exactly my thought. There's more than one way to do adulting, and she's clearly figured out what she wants in life and is well on her way to getting it.

Living with people other than your SO, so you can be happy, isn't Doin It R0ng. It's Doing It Right.

I'm also with jadelennox that LW's daughter may be poly. Which is a totally cool, legit life choice too.

Whatever the case, LW's daughter has got this thing on lock and is a grown-ass woman doing grown things. And maybe her roommates give her plenty of space to do her own thing when she wants to get her hobby-fun on, and go do their own things too, but it looks like Worried Dad didn't think to ask that (Sewing requires a ton of space? Huh. I just thought you needed a nice quiet corner, a thread and needle). Instead, he's busy clutching his metaphorical pearls at *gasp* SO MANY PEOPLE LIVING TOGETHER!!!111

I wish my life was so well put together as hers. Unfortunately, I'm one of those who needs a shitload of space, with lots of peace and quiet. Plus, I'm an introvert IRL with social anxiety, so tons of people around isn't my thing. Same with my BF. Our road to happiness is gonna be more expensive than having roommates, sadly. :(

[xenacryst]

Yes to all of the above, with an yet another side dish of, holy shit man, have you even SEEN the rents in San Francisco? Ain't no way she's going to be shacking up with just one other person unless at least one of them has a whooooole lot of trust funds.

[shirou]

A 25-year-old living with roommates in an expensive city is completely normal. How lucky for the LW's daughter that she finds this arrangement preferable. Some people live this way out of financial necessity but would prefer not to. I don't understand the problem here.

[azurelunatic]

And one makes space for sprawling hobbies with a hackerspace membership, which (if you're lucky) comes with a bonus of meeting new roommate prospects.