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Two letters about troubled young people
1. My partner and her son moved in with me at the start of the pandemic three years ago. She was getting priced out of her place, and was desperate to stay in the local school district since her son has special needs. I have a fairly large two-bedroom condo. I’ll admit the three of us went a little stir-crazy during the pandemic since I work from home, but it worked out. I’m crazy about her son.
I’m not so crazy about her daughter, “Sally.” Sally is 20, and she only cares about herself. She moved out to live with her permissive father as a teen and continues to break her mother’s heart to this day. She only calls when she wants money and thinks her parents exist to fund her lifestyle. She refuses to get even a part-time job. Last year, she threw a screaming tantrum because her mother couldn’t afford the increase in rent at the new place she wanted to get with her boyfriend (my partner pays her rent). She called my partner horrible things and said worse about her half-brother. Sally has also failed to attend a single lecture at school, so her father has stopped paying for anything. Her roommates are refusing to renew the lease with her in May.
Of course, Sally comes crying to mommy about her money woes. My partner makes good money, but even with me paying the majority of the bills, she can’t afford to fund another household. Her son needs expensive therapy. So, she wants Sally to move in with us. I told her no. We’re still arguing about it. Can you help us break this impasse?
—No Sally
Dear No Sally,
Sally sounds like she has been absolutely awful towards her mother and like she needs to grow up and get her life in order. However, it also sounds like she has no place to go, and it’s hard to imagine that her mother would be okay with that. Though she is an adult, Sally’s mother is going to want to make sure that her child is safe and has a place to rest her head. You may want to consider allowing her to move in temporarily—say, three to six months maximum—while she finds somewhere else to live long-term.
It should also be a condition of her stay that she gets a job and devotes time to finding permanent housing. You can also require Sally to do household chores and earn her keep. Let your partner know that Sally is only welcome to come if she abides by these terms, and that she is not to stay any longer. This will be a big sacrifice for you, and I realize that you’ve already done a lot for your partner and her son. But I don’t think your partner will be okay as long as her daughter doesn’t have a place to live. Let Sally know that her place in your home is conditional, and that if she isn’t willing to do what is expected of her, she’ll have to leave.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/06/adults-living-with-parents-daughter-move-in-care-feeding.html
****************
2. Dear Annie: I have two step-grandchildren, a 16-year-old boy and a 13-year-old girl. My grandson is completely out of control and was recently expelled from high school for truancy and drug use. My granddaughter was recently caught vaping in the school bathroom and was expelled for a short period of time. There are days when she refuses to get up and go to school, and when she does, she often skips her classes.
My stepson-in-law and stepdaughter are at the end of their emotional "rope" on what to do with their kids. I resent the kids coming over to our home because of what they are putting their parents through. Any ideas on how to handle these two troubled teens? -- Heartbroken Grandparents
Dear Grandparents: It's common for kids this age to act out, but they can't rule the roost. They need to understand that their actions have real consequences. Discipline must start with your grandchildren's parents, and as long as they're teens living at home, they have to abide by the house and school rules, no ifs, ands or buts.
The way you're feeling -- frustrated and resentful -- makes sense considering the situation, but it might help your grandchildren to know they have you as a trusted adult figure in their lives at times they feel they can't turn to their parents. Attending family counseling would equally benefit the parents and children alike.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2839175
I’m not so crazy about her daughter, “Sally.” Sally is 20, and she only cares about herself. She moved out to live with her permissive father as a teen and continues to break her mother’s heart to this day. She only calls when she wants money and thinks her parents exist to fund her lifestyle. She refuses to get even a part-time job. Last year, she threw a screaming tantrum because her mother couldn’t afford the increase in rent at the new place she wanted to get with her boyfriend (my partner pays her rent). She called my partner horrible things and said worse about her half-brother. Sally has also failed to attend a single lecture at school, so her father has stopped paying for anything. Her roommates are refusing to renew the lease with her in May.
Of course, Sally comes crying to mommy about her money woes. My partner makes good money, but even with me paying the majority of the bills, she can’t afford to fund another household. Her son needs expensive therapy. So, she wants Sally to move in with us. I told her no. We’re still arguing about it. Can you help us break this impasse?
—No Sally
Dear No Sally,
Sally sounds like she has been absolutely awful towards her mother and like she needs to grow up and get her life in order. However, it also sounds like she has no place to go, and it’s hard to imagine that her mother would be okay with that. Though she is an adult, Sally’s mother is going to want to make sure that her child is safe and has a place to rest her head. You may want to consider allowing her to move in temporarily—say, three to six months maximum—while she finds somewhere else to live long-term.
It should also be a condition of her stay that she gets a job and devotes time to finding permanent housing. You can also require Sally to do household chores and earn her keep. Let your partner know that Sally is only welcome to come if she abides by these terms, and that she is not to stay any longer. This will be a big sacrifice for you, and I realize that you’ve already done a lot for your partner and her son. But I don’t think your partner will be okay as long as her daughter doesn’t have a place to live. Let Sally know that her place in your home is conditional, and that if she isn’t willing to do what is expected of her, she’ll have to leave.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/06/adults-living-with-parents-daughter-move-in-care-feeding.html
2. Dear Annie: I have two step-grandchildren, a 16-year-old boy and a 13-year-old girl. My grandson is completely out of control and was recently expelled from high school for truancy and drug use. My granddaughter was recently caught vaping in the school bathroom and was expelled for a short period of time. There are days when she refuses to get up and go to school, and when she does, she often skips her classes.
My stepson-in-law and stepdaughter are at the end of their emotional "rope" on what to do with their kids. I resent the kids coming over to our home because of what they are putting their parents through. Any ideas on how to handle these two troubled teens? -- Heartbroken Grandparents
Dear Grandparents: It's common for kids this age to act out, but they can't rule the roost. They need to understand that their actions have real consequences. Discipline must start with your grandchildren's parents, and as long as they're teens living at home, they have to abide by the house and school rules, no ifs, ands or buts.
The way you're feeling -- frustrated and resentful -- makes sense considering the situation, but it might help your grandchildren to know they have you as a trusted adult figure in their lives at times they feel they can't turn to their parents. Attending family counseling would equally benefit the parents and children alike.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2839175
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