agonyaunt | (no subject)

(no subject)

Dear Prudence,

My older brother “Ethan” came out to the family as gay a few years ago. It went well within our family, but our extended family has had mixed reactions. Our paternal grandparents were not pleased and have not spoken to him since. Our dad passed away about a year ago, and their other children are childless, so we stand to inherit their fortune. Ethan is no longer in our grandparents’ will. Ethan recently introduced us (me, my mother, and our other siblings) to his fiancée Emily. He says he’s marrying Emily, while his boyfriend marries Emily’s girlfriend. They’ll have what he calls a “lavender marriage.”

The four of them seemingly have this all planned out. Both couples want kids, it’s far easier to have kids in a heterosexual relationship even if they aren’t likely to have sex. They’re worried about tightening restrictions for same-sex couples and they have plausible deniability if that happens (they live in a very blue state but I suppose anything could happen nationally). He then plans on going to our grandparents and telling them that he made a mistake, that he isn’t actually gay, and some sort of script about finding God again or whatever that will make our grandparents hopefully put him back in the will. I feel like there are a lot of reasons why this isn’t a good idea.

I’m not gay and I’m 20, and Ethan is gay and he’s 30, so maybe I don’t have the life experience to speak to this, but wouldn’t it be better for Ethan and his friends to speak up and out against homophobia rather than try to hide? I am a wheelchair user and a woman and if they made laws that similarly restricted me, I wouldn’t be able to hide so I guess I’d have to fight back. My siblings and I all support Ethan, and I don’t think there’s any rule against us all giving him a portion of our inheritance after our grandparents pass. But I guess he has it all figured out so I’m not sure that I can change his mind. How can I support him when I feel so uneasy about this? My other siblings feel the same way that I do. I don’t think our mother fully understands Ethan’s plan.

—Lavender Marriage

Dear Marriage,

A “lavender marriage” may or may not be a good idea (although it’s certainly a creative one). But it’s an idea that’s going to get Ethan the money he deserves just as much as anyone. Even more important, it’s Ethan’s idea. His age and privilege relative to yours really don’t matter that much here. It matters that he’s making the choices that he thinks are right for him, like everyone else in the world, and he’s not harming anyone. The answer to, “How can I support him when I feel so uneasy about this?” is that you figure out the part that you aren’t uneasy about. You’re not uneasy about him having figured out a way to have a life with his partner. You’re not uneasy about him having found a way around your grandparents’ homophobia. I hope you’re not uneasy about him being happy. You care about him, and I believe you can really feel joy about those things. Take some time to do that, and then tell him. And start working on your toast for the lavender wedding.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/06/older-brother-fake-marriage-dear-prudence-advice.html

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So, first things first, it's depressing and dispiriting that people are jumping through elaborate hoops in this day and age, and even moreso when I can see that they have reason to believe that their legal protections may not last.

With that said, there are more reasons to get married than romantic love. I know that's what we all emphasized during the fight for marriage equality, but - it's just not the only reason people get married and never has been.

If all four people in this arrangement are going into it with open eyes, that's... to be honest, that's better than a lot of marriages based solely on ideas of romance, where the people involved apparently didn't talk or think through what marriage means before tying the knot. I certainly hope that if what is effectively a group marriage with shared child-rearing goes awry all four of them are able to act like mature individuals who want what's best for the children.

Most importantly, this is none of LW's business. This is Ethan's life and Ethan's choices, and, again, all that matters is that everybody in this arrangement agreed to it.

I think the columnist missed addressing part of what LW is talking about, and that " I hope you’re not uneasy about him being happy. " was unfair.

Ethan is talking about passing for het, at least to his grandparents, and LW's reaction is that she cannot pass for able-bodied or male. I think this is a fair [internal] reaction on her part, and should be acknowledged. I want to give her a copy of the novel Passing and talk about how it analogizes to her situation. Being unable to pass and feeling it's unethical for someone else to pass is much older than her situation.

That said.

Sometimes one just has to do what one can. I also would quote Brecht to LW: Grub first, then ethics. That definitely has its limits but so does arguing over and over and over especially against intransingent grandparents. What can LW offer Ethan by trying to talk him out of this but the satisfaction of being right and an airy promise "I'll share my inheritance with you"?

LW's choices inside her head are to approve or disapprove of her brother's duplicity and his using his ability to recant being gay. But her choices outside her head/with respect to her grandparents are to support her brother without public comment or to out him to the grandparents, and I do think the choice is clear there.

All that said, this sedoretu Ethan and three other adults have constructed could be a really wonderful thing for all of them and their potential children, with emotional intelligence and some luck on their side.

I agree with everything you have said.

I have given this some thought. I have remained team "LW needs to mind their own business & work to unpack the hurt and strain they feel about living in a society where they are seen as 'lesser than.'" There are trans individuals who are de-transitioning for their own safety - outside violence is a bigger threat than violence from self right now. It's a terrifying time to be queer.

I have compassion and empathy for LW's situation - you can't just take off your wheels. If someone comes for you, that's it. You're done. There need to be people in privilege speaking out. Even if that privilege is "I am closeting who I really am so I can claim the privilege title." That being said, the privileged individuals speaking out shouldn't just be the queer community. It takes a lot of energy to deny who you really are, and expecting everyone who goes back into the closet (or stays in the closet) to also speak out about systemic oppression is...a huge ask.

While this isn't any different from a lot of arrangements where people who are not heterosexual want families and fair enough for them, I am just a little creeped by the 'some sort of script about finding God again or whatever that will make our grandparents hopefully put him back in the will'. Is not the appearance of 'normality/it was a passing phase' enough, without further hypocrisy?

(I am an atheist, for the record, so I have no actual religious beliefs to be affronted by this. Just a moral ick.)

We all have to follow our own conscience in these matters, I guess. I did elide over that, but I agree - unless it's a total buttload of money or they *really need it*, I'm not sure it's worth it to abase yourself quite that much.

It matters that he’s making the choices that he thinks are right for him, like everyone else in the world, and he’s not harming anyone.

Personally, I think he is harming himself by living this lie and hiding such an important part of his identity, but whatever. From what I've heard, the current climate in the US is indeed worrying, so at least he is not doing it just for the money.

I agree with you. I think for this situation (I am also assuming US, but UK could be just as likely) the harm being done by going back into the closet is likely less than the harm being done by a society who cannot just accept people for who they are when it has no impact on anyone outside of consensual relationship(s).

Even if he were just doing it strictly for the money - no judgement from me on that. Not everyone is well off, and the only people LW's brother has to answer to are himself and his partner. College debt has crushed a couple of generations already. Every little bit helps.

Yeah, this, all of this.

From inside the US .... I think Ethan's current choices may well be between different kinds of harm. I live in a "blue" state that is currently having a rash of requests for book bans, for instance. I'm keeping a wary eye on that and other developments, but my point is, even "blue" states aren't guaranteed to stay safe. And red states are becoming absolutely horrible.

I wish Ethan luck -- I wish all of us luck, *sigh*.

It doesn't sound like he is living a lie or hiding his identity, though. "My partner and I are marrying a lesbian couple because all four of us want kids, and we though that would be the best arrangement for the kids" isn't living a lie, and it sounds like they're all being quite open about that with everyone but the grandparents, and possibly the state. His relationship with is grandparents is a painful open sore anyway, and no matter what, you have no obligation to explain your sexual arrangements to the state, ever.

If he was actually going back into the closet all the way just to get his inheritance, I would agree, but it doesn't sound like that's what's going on.

Like, I'm all for conglomerations and/or different relationship models that can co-parent kids.

I do wish Ethan And Co could feel comfortable advocating for themselves. It's way what I would rather.

But *unless* LW and their siblings actually want to write a non-legally-but-certainly-ethically binding agreement that they would share the inheritance with Ethan after their grandparents pass, I can totally see why Ethan would want to work to further his own monetary ends.

So... LW, if you want to feel better about it, propose such an agreement with your siblings. Carry this out. BUT if Ethan And Co decide to keep their non-standard relationship model even so, well, learn to appreciate polyamory. Love comes in all forms.

It is not polyamory though? Just a marriage (marriages) of convenience.

I think it's a form of poly because all four are married to one person (and possibly sexual relations giving the child thing) and engaged romantically (and probably sexually) with a different person.

Both couples want kids, it’s far easier to have kids in a heterosexual relationship even if they aren’t likely to have sex.

I interpreted this as they are going to adopt or use donor insemination.

Enh. The current definition of polyamory is, yes, rather focused around sex and specific kinds of intimate relationships, but I would argue that if you're going to be living with various people in a non-traditional family configuration in, it's its own form of polyamory.

I agree. I think it falls under the multiple-partners umbrella.

It's never fun to have to practice a social deception (and I do think it's the deception that's bother LW, not the alternative partnership arrangement, so good for LW), but LW has to realize that society is currently loudly announcing its preference for deception. (I wholeheartedly agree that this makes everything exponentially more unfair for people who can't hide their differences, but that doesn't change that Ethan has his own boulder to get out of the way of right now. The 'duty to fight' argument doesn't change that either.) I don't think Ethan will be doing himself any favors by announcing to his grandparents that he's 'found God' (I can only imagine what kind of hoops they'll want him to jump through over that) but that's Ethan's issue to worry about. Our whole society would be so much better off if people could just stand to mind their own business about other people's domestic arrangements. LW can start that work right now. Prudence got this one right.

Edited 2023-06-28 15:23 (UTC)

One thing I'm wondering about is what if he goes through all this and then the grandparents just don't believe him? Seems as if that would be an even nastier situation. And maybe I've just read Bleak House too many times, but hanging around for an inheritance seems like a difficult way to live. I mean, it's never been his money. His grandparents have the right to leave it to whom they please, or to spend it on their eldercare, or on gin and bubble-gum.

Also I think it matters a bit what kind of money we're talking about, and what the assumptions are in the family about who is likely to get what. For instance, if the grandparents' surviving kids (there are at least two) get the bulk of the money, say two-thirds, and LW and her brother each get a fourth of the rest (there are at least four siblings total in that generation), that might not be all that much. Now, the grandparents' other kids may also be elderly, and may also expect to leave their money to their niblings, but they're likely to be 20-40 years younger than their parents.

I'm also thinking that if the grandparents in fact have a true fuckton of money, it's not unlikely that Ethan is already relatively well off. I would feel a bit differently if he has a bunch of college debt and a modest salary than if he was upset about having only a few million when he thinks he ought to have fifteen or fifty.

hanging around for an inheritance seems like a difficult way to live. I mean, it's never been his money. His grandparents have the right to leave it to whom they please, or to spend it on their eldercare, or on gin and bubble-gum.

Yes, all of this.

I also hope the marriage arrangement is not too tightly tied to the matter of the grandparents and the inheritance, that this is something that they all four want for a bunch of good reasons. I am kind of reminded of the time that the very large house next door to ours when I was growing up got sold to two couples rather than one, each of whom already had a couple of kids, and the plan was that they were all going to happily live there raising both sets of kids, and it lasted like a year and then one couple split up and the whole arrangement fell apart. It was not quite a hippie commune situation - way more middle-class - but it definitely felt very 1970s. My mother said afterward that she thought they were nice idealistic people who just didn't think things through very well.

My grandparents had millions of dollars while I worked minimum wage retail without benefits and struggled to both pay rent and feed myself. They didn't give me a dime when I got fired and ended up on unemployment for two years. They refused to ever introduce me to their friends, or help me in any way find a job. Same with my parents. Just because people in your family have money, doesn't mean you do.

I had written a long comment here, and then I realized, you know, this sounds like a Regency romance plot. Is it, in fact, a modern Regency romance plot?

Edited (third thoughts) 2023-06-29 04:17 (UTC)

hmmm. my old landlord had one of these lavender marriages. Her and her partners married a couple of friends who were men. they did it bc her partner needed a green card, and they all needed health insurance. she only told us bc we lived on the bottom floor of the house and her partner lived above us. We were also gay and she wanted us to know if INS came around asking questions to let us know that she was married to "rick" and her wife was married to "george" And that as the owner of the building she wanted us to know. they were a decade or so older than us. would have been in their mid-twenties during the AIDs crises and this was their answer to getting things they needed from a society that didn't want to accept the things they needed when they needed them most. to my knowledge they kept 4 residences. Likely all owned by my landlord. She was often away doing construction and using one residence as a home base near that construction. Her wife lived above us. Rick and George lived in one place and they rented the other. I can see if they had wanted children this would have also helped.

LW can see things from her point of view. She sees her brothers privilege and thinks that being out is best. true. but also she might not have any idea how frightened and scared as a queer person him and his partner and their lesbian friends feel. Finding a way to create some safety nets for yourself in this current political hellscape is a decent idea. My own wife and I spend quiet a bit of brainpower trying to figure out how to protect ourselves in small ways even now. If all 4 of them can sleep better at night and know that a multi-family unit would work for them and their future family I say get on board with cheering them on. Getting the rest of the siblings together to make a binding legal doc in case things don't work out with the grandparents would also be a good idea. Put your thoughts and your money where would desires are would go a long way to alleviating their brother's fear.

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