(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Prudence,

My 11-year-old niece has been staying with my husband and me because of her parents’ horrendous divorce. I do my best to distract her with lots of special activities and events. The problem is my sister keeps trying to piggyback on everything I do with her three rambunctious kids. I am not directly inviting her. She will hear about my plans from our mother and just push me to take on her kids or complain if I say no.

I have repeatedly explained that I can’t take on all four kids. My niece is very quiet and my sister’s kids just steamroll her when they are all together. It changes the dynamics completely. My sister complains I “never” do anything for her kids, which is false, but she can’t get it through her head that my focus is on this very fragile young girl right now and not being her free babysitter. At some point, I am going to snap and say something very ugly to my sister. I love her but her self-absorbed attitude is getting on my nerves. Can you help me?

—Only Aunt

Dear Only Aunt,

If you say no, she pushes you or complains. I completely get that these things are not pleasant. But they are things you can survive. I want you to practice the following lines for the next time she gets on your case:

—“I’m sorry you’re disappointed but it just won’t work out.”
—“That’s my final decision. I can’t be responsible for all four kids.”
—“I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but it’s not going to be possible.”
—“My focus is on my niece right now and I don’t have the bandwidth for any more childcare.”
—“Again the answer is no.”
—“If anything changes, I’ll let you know.”
—“You’re yelling and I’m going to hang up.”
—“You don’t seem to hear what I’m saying so I’m going to end this conversation.”

https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/06/high-school-sweetheart-friend-dear-prudence-advice.html

Comments

[conuly]

1. In response to the problem in question, the best solution is for LW to stop telling Mom their plans. Because obviously Mom has never learned to zip her lip.

2. However, with that said, Niece does not need to be constantly distracted with lots of special activities and events. Niece needs - well, first of all, if the divorce is so bad that Niece can't stay at home, then Niece probably needs therapy, but aside from that she needs stability and structure and routine, and to be able to feel whatever she's feeling without being implicitly told that it's not okay, she must think about something else so she doesn't feel bad.

Which means that the special activities and events should be low-key, and, well... special, which means infrequent.

Though if LW has trouble managing that, it may be a good idea to send the girl to sleepaway camp for the summer. A well-run camp will have structure and stability and routine enough to come out your ears.

[cora]

if the divorce is so bad that Niece can't stay at home, then Niece probably needs therapy, but aside from that she needs stability and structure and routine
This, 100% this! I know in American society we prefer to ignore our feelings, but if the divorce is that bad, niece needs a safe space to grieve and have whatever feelings about the divorce.

It's nice of only aunt to be doing so many events and activities for niece, and it's a lovely distraction, sure, but that's all it is - a distraction. Niece needs to feel safe to feel however she feels about her current reality. Constant trips aren't going to do that. Routine, quiet, and stability will.

[conuly]

Yes, LW is clearly very well-intentioned, and gets all the kudos for trying. But it's the wrong approach, I'm sure of it.

[sathari]

I know in American society we prefer to ignore our feelings, but if the divorce is that bad, niece needs a safe space to grieve and have whatever feelings about the divorce.

Yes! Possibly the most "special" thing that LW could do for Niece right now is to give her a place to feel all those emotions, in whatever form Niece needs to feel them. In addition to this possibly being more help to Niece, it's also probably not going to be full of all kinds of shiny fun stuff that will look like a treat for the other niblings.

[ashbet]

Stop telling Mom anything, first-off!

The sister sounds AWFUL. Keep saying no!

[movingfinger]

The mother problem is the root of the sister problem here.

[cimorene]

Agreed, stop telling the mom.

Agreed, the sister is obnoxious and in the wrong for being pushy repeatedly after no.

But for context, there were some situations like this without the divorce in my family when I was a kid. I would spend a month in town with all my aunts and uncles and grandparents, and they'd sort of share me around. My favorite aunt had to work all day, so her kids were stuck at home, and so was I while staying with them, while the other two aunts who were stay at home moms would take their kids, who were our age and our playmates, on errands, shopping, to get ice cream, to the pool. And we always found out about this, obviously. When I was there they'd want to take me, so as not to "waste the visit", but then there would be friction about my cousins whose mom was at work coming, because that was their own 2-3 kids plus three instead of plus one. But you can't have a group of cousins all within a few years of age and take all but one of them to the pool or the mall or the ice-cream parlor regularly without creating bad feeling! And apart from occasional spats, the kids would usually rather all play together too. My three aunts didn't manage to stop fighting about this every summer until I was thirteen or so, when they had a big blowup and all cried and accusations that my mom (the eldest) "always liked you more" were flung.