A garbage 24 year old might not be a garbage 44 year old but I think assuming she learned and grew is just as much of a mistake as assuming she didn't.

I both want to know and totally don't want to know what Former Friend did, because... the assumption that everything is forgivable annoys me. But then I do tend towards the unforgiving myself, because sometimes the only thing we have is our certainty that we didn't deserve what was done to us. Sometimes people deserve to be judged by their "worst" days, especially those who wouldn't consider them their worst. If my first boyfriend (the one who physically and sexually assaulted me) dropped me a line I wouldn't respond. I have no idea what kind of man he grew into -- I can't say he's an abuser now, because I don't know. But I do know what he did was sufficient that I don't care to find out who he is today. I just never want to deal with him ever again.

I don't know if there's a way to say "consider if it wasn't so bad" without including an assumption that it wasn't so bad. Sometimes it was that bad.