agonyaunt | (no subject)

My son is a comedian. When his comedian friends come to my town for gigs, I put them up. Recently, I hosted a Black friend of his — I am white — and we talked about a famous Black comic. I paraphrased one of the comic’s jokes that impressed me: A TV censor allowed the comic to use the N-word but objected to his use of a gay slur. When the comic asked why, the censor said: “Because you’re not gay.” The comic replied: “Well, I’m not a N-word, either.” I used the full N-word, as the comic had, for accuracy. Later, the guest told my son that my language had made him feel unsafe and that I am a racist. My son is angry with me. But I am stunned that he and his friend can’t distinguish between quoting an antiracist joke and being racist. Do I have to apologize?

HOSTESS

Let me start with a compliment: You are generous to house traveling comedians. Aside from that, though, I can’t support your positions here. Your use of the slur was insensitive, and your claim to know better than your guest how he should have felt when you used it is presumptuous. Still, I want to thank you for raising important issues.

There is no reason for you or any white person to use that word — even in quotes. (Yes, I know some Black people do.) It is a racist epithet with a complex history that you can research if you are interested. Otherwise, saying “N-word” is plenty accurate; I knew exactly what you meant. And arguing for your need to use an explosive term, when a common euphemism will do, makes you seem defensive and tone-deaf.

More troubling (to me) is your implication that your Black houseguest was wrong to say he felt unsafe. He — like every one of us — is entitled to his feelings. And for you to dictate how he should have felt is wildly disrespectful. Apologize. You hurt someone, even if it was unintentional. (And in joking news: The one you repeated stinks! Rejecting a racial slur as sideways justification for using gay slurs is not antiracist. We can respect everyone.)

https://www.nytimes.com/2023/05/24/style/racial-slur-joke.html

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If you want people to believe that you innocently did a racism, then you can't drag your feet about apologizing if it turns out - whoops! - they were offended.

"Do I have to apologize" - what garbage is this? I mean, no, the apology police aren't going to come after you, so I guess you don't have to apologize, but don't you want to? It's little enough to say "So sorry, didn't mean to offend, I'll try to do better" so why wouldn't you want to do that if it's the truth that you didn't mean to offend?

Of course, at this point, any apology is going to be way too little, way too late.

THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS

Like, do some people feel they were only issued a limited number of apologies at birth and they might run out? How is "oh my gosh I'm so sorry, how thoughtless of me, of course I should have redacted that" not the FIRST THING out of her mouth?

Right!? Or in this case she obviously doesn't believe that of course it was a thoughtless thing to say, but she could still make the effort and say "I'm sorry I offended him, I didn't mean to", which is presumably true, and she's still not willing to do that. (And honestly, if the only thing that stops her from doing this again is a conviction that she's right and everybody is wrong, but it's not worth the trouble - fine, whatever, I guess we'll all have to take what we can get.)

"For accuracy". Because if you hadn't someone might have confused you for someone desperately looking for an excuse to say the N word around a black person and that would make you a pathetic little racist.

The other thing floating around the NYTimes comments is "But what about benefit of the doubt!!!!" and - I did, in fact, give LW the benefit of the doubt. It was a stretch, but sure, people make innocent mistakes. I continued giving her the benefit of the doubt right up until the end of the letter when she admitted she didn't want to apologize.

People who make innocent mistakes usually do apologize, don't they? Adults do, anyway.

This would be bad enough if she'd done it at a party

but when he was sleeping at her house?

Making houseguests feel unsafe is very very bad, LW!

Oh, half the commenters are up in arms that he used the word "unsafe" and called her behavior "racist", and are acting like they wouldn't object at all if he'd said "offended", which we all know isn't true.

I wonder why his language is being policed so much more than hers. Truly, it baffles me.

The whole thing reads to me like she felt that he wasn't adequately grateful/forelock-tugging

about her hostessery largesse

and she wanted to Put Him In His Place! :(

"Do I have to apologize?"

Um, duh?

And the thing IS, to use a ridiculous example, even if you called someone a cucumber and they were offended, it's POLITE to APOLOGIZE even if you think it's ridiculous, because THAT is how a society WORKS.

Also, don't elaborate when you do it. Apologize, leave it there. Justifications don't help.

Let's be real. If this guest was offended because she'd called him a cucumber, she would've apologized already because that's patently ridiculous. It's only because it *isn't* ridiculous that she's whining about it.

*groans*

I drew this icon for times like this.

That poor guy, and his poor friend to have such a person for a mother.

Questions for LW: Was this really the only funny story she could think of, and if so, why, and why did she have to tell it?

Yeah, the choice of joke that she was impressed by was telling...

Yeah, there's nothing "impressive" about that bit. It's homophobic. That the LW loved it so much makes me think she's also homophobic as well as racist. Really not a good look for her all around.

The thing that gobsmacks me is that SHE MISSED THE POINT OF THE JOKE SHE WAS TELLING. Like, no, the straight black comedian can't use a gay slur, and also the white woman repeating the joke can't use the n-word.

Yes, exactly! Now, ma'am: explain to me why this joke was funny when the original teller told it. Now, explain to me why it's funny when you tell it. Yes? Okay? we good? no? sigh.

(Honestly I think that many people never progress beyond my 4yo cousin's concept of "this person said these four words in sequence, and everybody laughed, so these four words in sequence are An Joke! I should repeat them infinitely! Then I too will be A Funny!")

Racists will go so freaking far out of their way to defend their joy in saying awful things to other people. It would have been a tenth of the time and energy to just apologize than to write in to see if an advice columnist would give her any way out of apologizing. I'd say it must be exhausting, but they never seem to tire of it.