agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Carolyn: My mother is 78 and requires 24/7 care. I am working full time. My son and daughter-in-law live about two hours away with their two kids. My son is a doctor and my daughter-in-law quit working when she was pregnant with their oldest.

Since she quit, I’ve been asking every few months whether she can come by once or twice a week to watch my mother. They always say no. When I was there last month, I sat them down and asked why my daughter-in-law is so unwilling to help with my mother when she isn’t working. I feel I am owed an explanation.

They did not give me one but offered a substantial check for a home health aide.

My mother was adamant that we do not hire strangers or put her in a home; my son knows this, so I don’t understand the money. I also know his education was expensive, their house is new, and she doesn’t work. Where is this money coming from? I don’t feel like this is all adding up. What do I do now?

— Disappointed

Disappointed: Stop thinking your daughter-in-law’s time — anyone’s time — is yours to schedule! Or their money is yours to parse!

Stop pressuring her and them.

You are not “owed an explanation.”

Plus, she has already chosen to dedicate herself to caregiving. She has a full-time job rearing children.

Not that it would change the answer if she didn’t, because it’s still her time, their money and none of your business. You can make your mom’s problems your problems, if you want, but you can’t make them anyone else’s.

You see it as a matter of values, I take, that family steps up? If so: Your values aren’t transferrable to others, nor do you get to decide how others apply them.

All of which is to say: The baseline problem here is your mother’s obstinacy. That’s it. (Your entitlement problem came later.) She is the one who both needs the care and refuses the care available. That is on her.

Your options:

· Press the issue with your mom that caregivers who are “strangers” won’t be strangers anymore once she gets to know them.

· Let her know it’s this or nothing.

· Take time off, if possible, to stay with her as you bring in the professional caregivers your son and daughter-in-law paid for.

· Consult with a geriatric-care specialist to advise you through this difficult but exceedingly common transition.

Repeat till it sticks: Your daughter-in-law is not the answer. Then start on Plans B, C and D.

Readers’ thoughts:

1. I am stunned that you think driving four hours round trip one to two times a week is a reasonable thing to ask. I was a stay-at-home mom, and some people thought I wasn’t doing anything all day. It was very frustrating.

Please apologize to save your relationship with them. I imagine it has been a burden for them to process your frequent requests.

2. Most people would say no to that commute if they were getting paid, let alone taking care of someone else’s grandma. For free.

3. You know who’s really good at helping people get comfortable receiving care from strangers? Home health professionals. They know how to work with people to build a trusting relationship. Be honest about your mother’s concerns, so they can send the person best prepared to work with her.

You presented an issue, and this couple provided a perfectly reasonable solution. Say you’re sorry, graciously accept their help, and tell your mom you’re doing this for both of you.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2023/05/22/carolyn-hax-elder-care-daughter-in-law/

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

You may be able to make the claim that Son has an obligation to help his mother and grandmother, but a. that obligation cannot be transferred to his wife without her permission and b. he has discharged that obligation by paying money for professional care.

Which is the best choice, because if Grandma really needs 24/7 eldercare then Grandma needs a professional to help. A professional will know what they're doing, and won't have their messy emotions about helping their own relative with the bathroom getting in the way.

As far as being owed an explanation, not only does LW not deserve one, but that explanation is obvious as soon as she sits down and thinks about it for two seconds: DIL, who already has a full-time job as a SAHM, does not want to bundle up two children into the car, make a two hour drive, spend several hours "watching" her MIL's mother and also her children, and then take another two hours to get home. None of this requires explanation.

Nor does LW need an explanation for where the money is coming from, and what a rude question to ask at the tail of the letter. I can only imagine it's frustration causing her to ask such a thing. Obviously the money came from Son's desire not to screw over his mother and grandmother - they borrowed it from DIL's family, they cut out Netflix and coffee, they've decided to live on beans and rice for the duration, they took out a home equity line, DIL has a sideline in phone sex, idk - and rather than sharing the guilttripping around, they were discreet about it.

LW needs to be nicer to Son and DIL, because honestly, I get that this is all really difficult and upsetting - but you don't want to burn them out on eldercare before it's your turn.

Word

I know someone who is obstinate that “ strangers” not care for his declining parent and … sigh.

Obviously the money came from Son's desire not to screw over his mother and grandmother - they borrowed it from DIL's family, they cut out Netflix and coffee, they've decided to live on beans and rice for the duration, they took out a home equity line, DIL has a sideline in phone sex, idk - and rather than sharing the guilttripping around, they were discreet about it.

Yes, this was exactly my thought! Where did the money come from? They struggled, you asshole, because they can't or won't make the commitment you need but they're worried about Nana and about you.

Also, not for nothing, but Gramma's insistence that you not hire strangers is abusing you, LW. It might not be intended as abuse; it might be the natural terror of aging in a society that's not great for support. But the result is abusive of you. Carolyn is right: "You can make your mom’s problems your problems, if you want."

Gosh, I cannot imagine why the LW's son and daughter-in-law do not share the details of their personal lives with her, nor why they are not rushing to the aid of a selfish, demanding parent who is caring for a selfish, demanding parent.

Money is often the cheapest way to solve problems. Props to Son for taking that opportunity.

My mother was adamant that we do not hire strangers or put her in a home

Unfortunately, people who need 24/7 care don't get to be adamant about this.

LW's demands are ridiculous, and her attitude is atrocious. I'm glad Carolyn responded forcefully, as she often does. That said, I acknowledge that LW is in a tough spot. At least in the US, there are few good options for senior care. Much like with early childcare, the US offers minimal social services, with the result that the standard of care (at home or in a nursing facility) is often poor, the cost for families is a huge burden, and the workers themselves are terribly underpaid.