And two letters from Harriette....

[conuly]

1. DEAR HARRIETTE: My son has barely reached puberty, and he already has very strong underarm odor. I am afraid to have him wear deodorant at a young age, but he needs something. I have heard such bad things about antiperspirants and cancer. I don't want to introduce his body to anything that may harm him, but we have to do something. What do you recommend? -- Smelly Pits

DEAR SMELLY PITS: Take a trip to your pediatrician and get your son a physical. Check to make sure it's nothing more than normal hormonal changes that is causing the strong odor. Ask the doctor for recommendations for how to get the odor in check. Of course, your son needs to clean his body well, something that is not always a strong suit for adolescent boys. You may need to teach him how to wash his body thoroughly. Do not assume that he knows because you bathed him as a child.

Beyond basic hygiene, your doctor may be able to recommend a deodorant -- not an antiperspirant -- that can help to keep odor in check. There are many natural deodorants on the market. Ask the doctor if any of those might work. The issue there is that some of them may not cut or mask odor effectively. Do your research. There are safe alternatives to chemical antiperspirants to help your son.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/senseandsensitivity/s-2817342

******************

2. DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently discovered that my friend's 19-year-old daughter is posting explicit content on a subscription-based website. My friend is not aware of her daughter's activities, and I am afraid that she will be devastated if she finds out. I don't want to cause any drama or harm their relationship, but at the same time, I don't feel comfortable staying silent. I also worry about the potential consequences that this could have on the daughter's future and reputation. What should I do? Should I talk to my friend about what I found, or should I stay quiet? -- Tricky Situation

DEAR TRICKY SITUATION: By all means, talk to your friend, but do so with caution. Let her know you have something very sensitive to discuss with her. Tell her you believe she needs to take it in and think about it before reacting. Get her to agree. Then show her what you have discovered. Seeing it for herself will be disturbing, but it will also be undeniable. Suggest that she not reveal who told her; this way, you have the opportunity to continue to monitor her daughter's behavior if she blocks her mother from all social media platforms. Otherwise, just listen and be there for her. This soon-to-be distraught mom cannot control her adult daughter's life, but hopefully she still has enough influence to appeal to the daughter's thoughts of her future. If the wrong person sees these posts, her future could absolutely be in jeopardy.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/senseandsensitivity/s-2820806

Comments

[conuly]

1a. Oh ffs. Everything is made up of chemicals. I am made up of chemicals, water is made up of chemicals, and all deodorants are made up of chemicals. Chemical does not mean "bad" or "toxic" or "carcinogenic" which brings me to

1b. Harriette needs to have shut this down rather than telling LW to continue going down their antiperspirant causes cancer rabbithole, a rabbithole which is linked to a whole lot of other weird medical ideas like antivaxing and using a chiropractor instead of a doctor. The American Cancer Society says there's not a link, and... well, they ought to know.

https://www.cancer.org/cancer/risk-prevention/chemicals/antiperspirants-and-breast-cancer-risk.html

I think if there was any evidence of a link at all, they would've said so clearly.

2a. I don't know about the rest of you, but I am just dying to know how LW found out that this young woman is posting online. Nevertheless

2b. LW should absolutely not narc her out to her mom. If LW really is deeply concerned about this young woman's safety then they can talk to her directly. Otherwise, why put yourself in the awkward middle of a family fight? Especially if you're following Harriette's advice and staying anonymous so you can keep on spying on her omg that is so creepy.

[ashbet]

ALL OF THIIIIISSSSS

[cimorene]

Side issue: given that LW is in this rabbithole, she is less likely than average to trust the doctor's rec. After all, the doctor would probably have said that antiperspirant is safe.

[lethe1]

2a: My first thought as well.

2b: Wholeheartedly agree.

[naath]

1, just get some deoderant, doesn't work? try a dfferent one

2. *19* she can have an onlyfans if she likes, not your issue

[lilysea]

"Explicit content" is such a nebulous phrase.

Is she posting fan fic?

Is she posting lingerie shots?

Is she posting nudes?

Webcamming solo?

Shooting amateur porn?

These are all very difference situations.

Fortunately, they are all NONE OF LW's business.

[cimorene]

Can't believe the answer in #2 didn't even point out she's a legal adult.

[ethelmay]

THIS

[conuly]

She sorta did with the phrasing "adult daughter" but that was really weak.

[feast_of_regrets]

Both of these are horrible. Nothing should be done to coddle LW 1's anti science BS. And LW 2 is probably actively endangering the daughter by ratting her out to her family. The suggestion that LW remain secretly available to continue to snoop after the daughter blocks her mother is really odious. Harriette really whiffed on this one.

[topaz_eyes]

1st letter: Body odour is a normal sign of puberty and it can be overwhelming especially for young males. (Back in the day my son's school handed out deodorant/antiperspirant sticks in class to its junior high students.) There's no link to antiperspirants and cancer, or Alzheimer's either (another "alt-med" hypothesis). And sometimes deodorant just won't be enough. Harriette needs to grow a clue. The only decent advice in this one was about teaching the son how to wash his body.

2nd letter: Yikes, wtf Harriette? This is terrible advice and you should feel terrible. If LW is close to the friend's daughter, maybe LW could talk to the daughter directly about their concerns. But otherwise LW needs to butt out and definitely not discuss it with their friend.

[conuly]

(Back in the day my son's school handed out deodorant/antiperspirant sticks in class to its junior high students.)

This is definitely better than leaving it up to the teachers to awkwardly send one particular student to the nurse for a little talk, even if it costs a bit more upfront.

[movingfinger]

LW 1, fortunately Axe body spray contains no chemicals, which is why it is so popular! Buy some and tactfully put it in the bathroom for your son immediately.

ETA: also, the implications of "teach your son to bathe" just hit me. Indeed, LW, do that also, your son will need material for his future standup career!

[lilysea]

LW 1, fortunately Axe body spray contains no chemicals, which is why it is so popular! Buy some and tactfully put it in the bathroom for your son immediately.

Oh god, please not Axe. It's a major migraine trigger for a lot of people!

(which probably includes at least one of the son's teachers or fellow students)

[conuly]

IIRC there's a scene in Cheaper by the Dozen in which the father shows his children how to bathe efficiently. For decency purposes he did this fully clothed and only demonstrated.

Honestly, though, all you need to do is emphasize that all parts of the body where skin touches skin, like the underarms, need rinsing and probably soaping daily. That doesn't require a demonstration.

Not that this would help the LW, but I found that the deodorant habit is surprisingly hard for kids to pick up. Like, not just my own very ADHD-y niblings. Probably puberty brain fog doesn't help. I seem to remember spending a lot of those years bluntly telling the kids "I love you, but you stink. Don't come near me with your hugs until you've taken a shower" and other words to that effect. All less-blunt methods of communication were doomed to failure - we're not a hinting family in general, so I guess they not only didn't pick up on the hint but they had no idea hints were being passed around.

[azurelunatic]

Even as ADHD adults! Any distraction can have my partner or me forget the "armpit lube" step, at least until the shirt-putting-on step generally.

[lethe1]

I wholeheartedly agree with lilysea. Axe is awful! When it was heavily advertised here in the Netherlands, I remember teachers complaining bitterly about having to stand in front of classes that had liberally used Axe. It was so headache-inducing that they had to open the windows wide to get rid of the stench.

[conuly]

I think perhaps movingfinger was being a bit facetious.

[lethe1]

Ah! Let's hope so :)

[kindkit]

These answers are new levels of terrible even for Harriette. Though I almost have to laugh at her advising the LW #2 to keep right on watching that young woman's OnlyFans. You know, to help.

[cereta]

Even for Harriette, the suggestion that LW2 remain incognito to spy on the daughter's "explicit content" is bananas with a side of creepster.

[conuly]

Right!?

[julian]

Goodness, Harriette, what drama.

Dear LW #2: Don't do that. Any of it.

[melannen]

LW #2, this depends heavily on how you found out. You aren't morally obligated to keep this secret (unless it was told to you by the daughter in confidence, or you think sharing it would lead to serious harm to her.) But do you *need* to share it?

-- Is it the sort of thing that might come up casually in conversation? Like, "I was looking for new OnlyFans performers to follow - the ones you recommended to me last month are great, by the way - and I stumbled on your daughter's. I won't be looking at it of course - I've known her since she was a child - but I was super impressed by the professionalism on her account! You should be proud!" is fine. If you regularly discuss your porn habits with each other you don't need to carefully avoid this.

-- Do you only know about it because it's being whispered about among a shared circle of friends? In that case she'll probably find out one way or another before long, and you can consider if you're a better option to break it to her. Don't follow Harriette's advice! Just tell her you've heard rumors and you thought she should be prepared to support her daughter if someone brought it up to her face. Or something like that.

-- Do you know because you know the daughter well, or share social circles with the daughter? In that case you can discuss your concerns directly with the daughter (including your opinions on whether she should tell her mother) if you really feel the need to bring it up with someone. She's an adult and can make her own choices (and her own mistakes) and her mother can't do anything to stop her anyway, except make her life harder.

-- Does the mother constantly kvetch to you about her daughter's life and choices, in a way that would seem like lying if you didn't share this? Use the opportunity to try build a foundation so that she learns to be less judgemental of, and invested in, her daughter's choices. (You can work on that for yourself too!) It's okay to be worried about a child making choices you see as risky, but you can try to move things from "devastated and full of drama" to "worried with supportive concern" if you work on building trust in the daughter's choices and understanding of her adult independence. Maybe someday she can become a mom the daughter will feel safe confiding in.

Otherwise, you can probably let it be.

[redbird]

A more sensible columnist might have told the LW that antiperspirants don't cause cancer. And then maybe add that the LW's son could start with a non-antiperspirant deodorant, because some people are low-level allergic to the aluminum compound that's the active ingredient in (most if not all) antiperspirants. Not many people are, but there are enough of us that it's possible to buy deodorants without it.