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Ask Amy: WTF??!?
Ask Amy: Husband’s family doesn’t respect our boundaries with brother-in-law
Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for 19 years. His brother is an alcoholic, which is a common theme in his family. He has been unfaithful to his wife on numerous occasions. At a family event (about six years ago), he made sexual advances toward me.
I told my husband that his brother makes me very uncomfortable and I do not want him around our kids with his level of drinking, but didn’t want to cause a huge family rift, as his wife had been put through so much already. We are the more successful/healthy of all the siblings and are perceived as snobby.
We have kept our space for many years. We celebrate holidays without my in-laws, as they believe that we should just ignore these issues. My husband recently decided to attend a family gathering (solo) and brought his brand-new sports car (which cost six figures). His brother took the vehicle for a ride (drunk) without his permission. The brothers have not spoken since.
My mother-in-law is aware of these issues and spends every holiday with them and still invites us to their gatherings, despite knowing that we don’t want to attend. We would only reconsider reconciliation if his brother were to receive treatment and be in recovery.
My husband and I have been in therapy for years working through his childhood trauma. The family issues run deep, and he does feel lucky to have space to grow into his own person and not be enmeshed like his siblings.
My in-laws have an air about them that we are wrong and keeping the family apart, which is very hurtful to us and their granddaughters. Why can’t they realize the importance of having an individual relationship with our family?
Frustrated: Despite your evident and understandable frustration, the tone and content of your question reveals a strong desire to control your in-laws — to get all of them to recognize the impact of your brother-in-law’s drinking, to pull them around to accepting your perspective, and even to convince them to have “an individual relationship” with your family.
You also seem to resent the fact that they continue to invite and include you in their family events, even though you don’t want to attend. You have made your own choices — according to your own family values and preferences. They are doing the same.
You refuse to enable your brother-in-law's drinking, or to even be around him if he might be drinking. That's an understandable choice.
The next step in your own path should be to accept the messy reality of this family, without clinging to the notion that you might have the power to change their reality. Stand down. Give yourself a break. In addition to therapy, you and your husband might benefit from Al-Anon meetings. (Check Al-anon.org.)
https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2023/05/02/ask-amy-husband-brother-alcoholic/
Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for 19 years. His brother is an alcoholic, which is a common theme in his family. He has been unfaithful to his wife on numerous occasions. At a family event (about six years ago), he made sexual advances toward me.
I told my husband that his brother makes me very uncomfortable and I do not want him around our kids with his level of drinking, but didn’t want to cause a huge family rift, as his wife had been put through so much already. We are the more successful/healthy of all the siblings and are perceived as snobby.
We have kept our space for many years. We celebrate holidays without my in-laws, as they believe that we should just ignore these issues. My husband recently decided to attend a family gathering (solo) and brought his brand-new sports car (which cost six figures). His brother took the vehicle for a ride (drunk) without his permission. The brothers have not spoken since.
My mother-in-law is aware of these issues and spends every holiday with them and still invites us to their gatherings, despite knowing that we don’t want to attend. We would only reconsider reconciliation if his brother were to receive treatment and be in recovery.
My husband and I have been in therapy for years working through his childhood trauma. The family issues run deep, and he does feel lucky to have space to grow into his own person and not be enmeshed like his siblings.
My in-laws have an air about them that we are wrong and keeping the family apart, which is very hurtful to us and their granddaughters. Why can’t they realize the importance of having an individual relationship with our family?
Frustrated: Despite your evident and understandable frustration, the tone and content of your question reveals a strong desire to control your in-laws — to get all of them to recognize the impact of your brother-in-law’s drinking, to pull them around to accepting your perspective, and even to convince them to have “an individual relationship” with your family.
You also seem to resent the fact that they continue to invite and include you in their family events, even though you don’t want to attend. You have made your own choices — according to your own family values and preferences. They are doing the same.
You refuse to enable your brother-in-law's drinking, or to even be around him if he might be drinking. That's an understandable choice.
The next step in your own path should be to accept the messy reality of this family, without clinging to the notion that you might have the power to change their reality. Stand down. Give yourself a break. In addition to therapy, you and your husband might benefit from Al-Anon meetings. (Check Al-anon.org.)
https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2023/05/02/ask-amy-husband-brother-alcoholic/
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More accurately, “My in-laws force us to interact with an alcoholic thief/drunk driver/sexual predator.”
When the LW says that her family wants an “individual relationship” with the in-laws, she means “seeing them without BIL present.”
That’s not “controlling,” that’s self-protection.
What is Amy smoking?!??
The last part, about accepting that the in-laws are unlikely to change, isn’t bad advice — but the rest feels like Amy is responding to an entirely different letter.
The LW/husband haven’t set down an ultimatum about the in-laws’ relationship with their alcoholic son, they have merely asked to spend time with them without him present.
I don’t think that’s controlling in the least.
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The only thing approaching criticism I might give LW would be "You are going to have to live with the invitations; it's his family's habit to invite, you'll have to make it your habit to refuse, even if the invitation and refusing it is deeply discomforting to you."
Also, a word to the wise: at some point in the future, their kids may want to restablish contact with that side of the family in ways that make LW uncomfortable, and LW will have to negotiate this whole section over again, except with her own children instead of her in-laws.
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I'm not sure what LW wanted out of this letter. Their options are to accept that this situation isn't going to change externally, because their in-laws aren't going to change, and either internally change the way they manage their reaction with a goal of breaking the in-laws' power to throw them into consternation (which is a pretty standard family systems approach and seems to be what Amy is advising) or taking steps to further limit or cut off contact entirely (which doesn't sound to me like they really want to do). Amy is right; LW's desire to change her in-laws is what's causing her problem, and she needs to let go so she can do something more productive (like stop caring that they think she's stuck up and figure out that the in-laws are as bad as the BIL and maybe could use some limits as well).
OK maybe I found my issue with Amy's advice after all. LW could stand to hear that she needs to limit contact with her in-laws as well. Still, not seeing the horror here.
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It’s true that her in-laws are unlikely to change, but some compassion in the response (as opposed to calling the LW controlling and resentful!) would have been appropriate, along with an acknowledgement that BIL’s behavior is an understandable reason to avoid him!
The way Amy phrased “and even to convince them to have “an individual relationship” with your family”, like it’s outrageous to want to see your in-laws/parents alone sometimes, also was grating.
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Especially since protecting her *children* from him was a serious, understandable concern.
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