agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR ABBY: Our son “Victor” and his wife have informed us that they are “polyamorous.” They have been married for nine years, and were together for five years before they married. They have agreed to this arrangement, and their partners know they are married. They love each other, own a home together and plan to be together forever. They are “safe,” and no one is getting hurt.

Because of their lifestyle, my husband, “Del,” has not communicated with them for more than 16 months. He says if I die first, he’ll make sure they get nothing in his will. I have visited them alone (we live over 800 miles away) and plan to do so in the future. Our other married son, “Mike,” tried to talk to his father about this, but Del still refuses to budge. When Mike said this means we will never be together as a family again, his father had no response.

I have told Del this is breaking my heart. I have considered leaving him over this. However, if I leave, I’m doing the same thing he has done -- refusing to have a relationship because I don’t like his behavior. My husband also refuses to go to family gatherings with his cousins or his brother because he has fundamental political differences with them. In fact, there are now only four family members he’s interested in seeing. I thought he would soften his attitude over time, but he hasn’t. What should I do? -- HEARTBROKEN IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: What you do is continue living your life as you always have, and see your children and other relatives as often as you wish. By now it should be obvious that nothing will change your husband’s attitude. If he insists on isolating and punishing himself, you can’t stop him.

If Del becomes vindictive or punitive to you, consult a legal adviser about whether you want to stay in a marriage like this. If you choose to leave, you will be able to decide INDEPENDENTLY how your assets should be distributed in the event of your death.

https://www.oregonlive.com/advice/2023/04/dear-abby-dad-cuts-off-family-contact-due-to-sons-polyamorous-marriage.html

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So, first things first: Del can write his will however he likes, but he can't keep his heirs from giving Victor a share of whatever they've inherited. And it certainly sounds like Mike, at least, would be interested in sharing with his brother.

Secondly, normally I'd say something about it being ridiculous to spend that much time worried about another person's personal life, but in this case it looks like Del spends a lot of time cutting people out of his life for one reason or another. Sometimes that's necessary, and sometimes it's not. It's his choice, but I can't say I agree with it in this situation.

However, if I leave, I’m doing the same thing he has done -- refusing to have a relationship because I don’t like his behavior.

The difference I'm seeing is that Victor's polyamory doesn't harm Del, while Del's cutting off Victor harms the LW.

The LW should definitely consult an attorney and make a will — in most states, the decedent can make a direct bequest before the balance of the estate goes to the surviving spouse.

I’m sorry that Del is so shitty — and this is not a “both sides are equally bad” situation.

If LW leaves Del, it’s because his behavior *directly affects her*, not Del’s sanctimonious choice to cut out a child because of his “lifestyle” — which Del can butt out of, since it’s not HIS marriage.

Yes, the assumption that somehow the husband gets to make a will but the wife does not stands out in a sea of Old Guy BS here. Go see a family lawyer for a quick consult, lady, draw up your will however you'd like, and leave a copy with the lawyer.

How I despise arbitrary moral standards that demonize behaviors that don't harm anyone.

... This is good advice, from Abby. Wow!