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All these people need to leave all these other people
And columnists need to stop advising people to go to couples therapy with their abusers.
1, Dear Amy: I've been married for 36 years. Whenever we see my husband's family, there would be a point when the "family" would be in one room and the "not-family" in another.
A few years ago, one of his sisters was very ill and needed help. All the siblings pitched in. She is healthy now, and it made them realize that they wanted to spend more time together. However, they exclude the "non-family” in these gatherings. They get together three or four times a year. My husband and I moved a distance away a few years ago. They got together just before we moved and celebrated his birthday. I was not included.
Last year when we traveled for one of these gatherings, I had dinner with a friend, and then waited for 30 minutes for my husband to come out of the restaurant, where he was with his siblings! He now says I could have joined them, but I know they don't want anyone but siblings. I have told him that if I travel with him again so he can see his siblings, I will not wait in the parking lot for him! Should I be more understanding about his time with his siblings?
– Not Family
Dear Not Family: I don’t think it’s that uncommon for siblings to want to get together, and yet there is a balance here where spouses should not be (or feel) deliberately excluded. In my own massive in-law family (13 siblings!), I’ve formed an attachment to the spouses and we occasionally have our own “out-law” get-togethers when the siblings are hanging together.
No, your husband’s siblings should not have had a birthday celebration for him in your town without including you. Your husband is responsible for establishing that he does NOT leave you behind for special occasions.
On the other hand, I can’t imagine waiting in a parking lot, fuming, when you could have simply entered the venue and perhaps joined them for a cup of coffee. You’re an adult. You have the responsibility to treat others as you wish to be treated.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2804651?fs
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2.DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently caught up with an old friend of mine. She and I both got married around the same time more than 20 years ago. She got divorced at least 10 years ago, around the same time that I was seriously thinking about it. All these years later, I'm still miserable, and she seems to be happy. She is single, but she has a great guy in her life. I saw the two of them together, and she seemed content. Meanwhile, I am miserable. Should I consider this to be a sign? Should I get divorced? -- Is It Time?
DEAR IS IT TIME?: Your friend's life is her own, not yours. Of course you can observe her and see how her choices have played out, but you cannot think that your life will unfold like hers if you make a similar choice. The two of you are different people.
You can and should look closely at your own life and marriage. Ask yourself what is working and what is not. Drum up the courage to talk to your spouse. If you can, talk honestly with each other about what you want in life and in your future. Do not tell your spouse you have been thinking about divorce for 10 years. Instead, consider whether you can reignite your connection. If not, respectfully plan your departure, but don't be cruel in the process.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/senseandsensitivity/s-2803454
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3. Dear Amy: My partner (we live together) owns a vacation home in the Southwest. Months ago, he made plans to take three of his teenage grandchildren there over spring break. After that plan was hatched, I was diagnosed with cancer and am undergoing chemotherapy.
I had hoped that he would cancel his plans so he could be at our home to help me out, but he went ahead and make airline reservations, after he knew the dates of his vacation would coincide with my treatment.
I am feeling hurt, rejected and unimportant to him, in addition to feeling the ill effects of my treatment. I could have used his help with meals, driving to the clinic, and overall companionship. My daughter, who has a full-time job, stepped in.
Amy, he rarely sees these grandchildren, who live within 15 minutes of us. Why couldn’t he have just scheduled a few spring break outings at home instead of traveling during this crucial time?
– Sad and Suffering
Dear Sad: My mother once said to me, “Remember: People do what they want to do.” When pondering disappointing choices people make that let you down, I think it helps to accept this simple truism.
On the face of it, your partner doesn’t seem to have placed a high priority on being your stalwart helpmate. For many people, showing up during an emergency illness is a high calling. Doing so can elevate you to realize your own better nature.
Not so much for your guy, evidently.
One of the joys of being a good grandparent is to spend “quality time” with your grandchildren, indulging them with special experiences.
More important, however, are the lasting lessons grandparents can impart to their grands – about stepping up, stepping in, and demonstrating your commitment to those who need you.
Factors that you don’t mention could be related to how and why you two chose each other in the first place – such as whether he went through a divorce that has made him feel insecure and guilty toward his children and grandchildren.
Regardless, it looks like you are not spending your life with an “in sickness and in health” person.
I hope you’ve chosen to talk to him about this, honestly expressing how this episode has made you feel.
Now that you know what he’s like when the chips are down, you can move forward, understanding that when it comes to some of your greater needs, you should not necessarily count on him.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2802913?fs
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4. Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for 19 years. He is 66, and I'm 59, and it's the third marriage for both of us. We both still work full time.
When we are at home, or when we're out and it's just the two of us, he treats me perfectly. However, when we're out with company -- usually mine -- or his grown-up children, he just totally disconnects from me and almost stonewalls me. It is as if he is treating me like a total stranger he's just walked past in the street. There is no eye contact, and sometimes he becomes hypervigilant.
This behavior is causing me deep distress and is very confusing, I have spoken to him about it, and he says it's unintentional. He says that he cannot see that he's doing anything wrong. The last time I brought it up, he said, "Oh, no, not this again."
I am so confused and don't know how to deal with this. Please help. -- A Very Confused Wife
Dear Confused Wife: You have a right to be confused. Continue to talk to him about it. Maybe before you are going to get together with his children, have a code word for when he is doing it so that you can help him see it as it happens. Let him know that it is unacceptable for him to be so dismissive of your feelings. If he is still flippant about how you feel, it might be time to seek the help of a professional counselor.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2802917
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5. My husband, whom I have been with for 30 years, has never been very comfortable with sex. I was in my late 30s when we met and had long been single. We worked together; he was smart and made me laugh. I realized he was basically a good person, and we were mostly happy together. Although he is a bit controlling, I have found ways to either ignore or confront this behavior. Sex and intimate contact, however, have devolved over time. Now there is no more than a daily perfunctory kiss.
The problem is that I am a very sensual person. I did have an affair that I managed to keep from him a few years ago, and that kept my sanity intact. I owe my husband a lot, and he has been deeply supportive of my art career. Recently when I left town for three weeks to take care of my ailing mother, he said that he would have killed himself if I hadn’t come back. But can I stay in a celibate marriage for the last few years of my viability as a woman? I’ve become very depressed. We have no children together, so that is not part of the equation. I don’t want to hurt him; if I left, he would be devastated in a way that I’m not sure he could recover from. I recently met someone I am very drawn to, but I am tortured by the choice. — Name Withheld
There isn’t just one model of enduring happy marriage. But the usual contemporary ideal begins with sexual attraction and passionate romantic feelings and turns into a long-term mutual engagement, with physical intimacy as a big part of it. What’s evident is that your concern goes beyond sexual gratification in any narrow sense. When you mention the prospect of leaving your husband for someone you are “very drawn to,” it’s clear that you want a different kind of connection, involving physical intimacy in the context of a loving relationship.
That’s not something you and your husband have lost; it’s something you never had. In an observation about eros often credited to Lacan, desire implicates the desire to be desired. Your description of your “mostly happy” marriage, by contrast, makes it sound as though your relationship has been a long friendship with benefits — modest benefits, which have ebbed to nothing. It’s possible to wonder why your marriage has lasted so long. I say this not because a companionable marriage that isn’t grounded in romance and eros can’t be an alternative ideal (a so-called mariage blanc involves no sex at all), but because it obviously isn’t your ideal. Whatever the marital model is, it should meet the needs of both parties. Couples don’t have to have exactly matching desires for sex, but it’s better if some mutual accommodation is possible.
What to do now? Your husband has effectively threatened to kill himself if you leave him. Although this is probably hyperbole — and, I fear, another instance of his being controlling — your worries about his suffering are plausible. The commitments we make when we marry, and the obligations that flow from many years of a shared life, mean that this partnership should be treated with care. You owe a decades-long partner something.
But not everything. Many older people would urge you to reconsider your belief that you’re in your final years of “viability as a woman,” including the way you conceive your identity as a woman. Still, you can’t command yourself to give up your feelings of discontent and frustration, and those feelings aren’t going to make you the best companion in the years ahead. Nor do you owe it to your spouse to abandon your own happiness. At this point, you’ll need to have a series of difficult conversations with him, perhaps with the assistance of a counselor. I’m not confident that it will rescue the situation. But it might help you both to see your situation clearly and together, even if what results is separation. The decades you’ve shared mean you both deserve an attempt at resolution and some clarity about what has gone wrong.
https://www.nytimes.com/2023/03/31/magazine/divorce-sex-affair-ethics.html
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6. Dear Captain Awkward,
My wife and I have 2 kids both girls. When we were dating we agreed on 3 kids. Our first daughter caused complications at birth. First she was late, then decided to flip when my wife asked for an epidural. And it required an emergency c section because her doctor never showed up and the doctor in the hospital came in late to asses her. After the c section the doctor did not follow procedure and she developed a blood clot. It healed and everything was good. 4 years later she got pregnant with our second daughter, 4 years later I found out she got another blood clot in same leg as the first at around 2 months pregnant. They did a scheduled c section and convinced my wife to have a bilateral salpingectomy. That I wasn’t told about until the day of birth. And I also didn’t agree with.
Here we are 4 years later and I still want more kids and have offered all options to my wife but she refuses any of them. I have asked her about IVF, surrogacy, and other options she has refused all. I am left torn because I do want more children and in the beginning I wanted 4 or 5 but we agreed on 3. And I would like at least one more chance for a boy and have been completely shut out. Lately I find myself thinking about finding another women to have more kids but I take my vows seriously and am completely torn between wanting more kids and my wife. I do know if I don’t have more kids it is going to be on my mind my whole life and I don’t know if I can live with either choice.
Dear Sir:
I don’t know what on earth you expected when you wrote to me, but here is what I’ve got.
A lot of people don’t get to have all the children they wish for in life or become parents at all, and it’s not strange or wrong to grieve for lost possibilities. If that’s the case for you, then take it to a therapist. Talk through it. Feel all the feelings. Negotiate with your messy heart and the indifferent universe on territory that isn’t your wife’s bodily autonomy or your massive sense of entitlement to her reproductive system for a change.
Right now, you are trying to set this question up as a dilemma between your dreams of being a fruitful paterfamilias and your wife’s supposed reneging on agreements within your existing relationship. You are describing your wife like she broke some kind of promise to you, and you are treating her like a faulty incubator, not a human being. Not cool.
However many children your wife “agreed to” when you were dating, you have two, and it sounds like you’re lucky to have those. Agreements change all the time, and it’s not like there aren’t mitigating circumstances. Plus, have you considered the possibility that she’s grieving, too? That some dream or possibility closed off for her, just as much as it did for you, plus she underwent substantial physical trauma and made the best choice she could under the circumstances?
It doesn’t matter whether you agree with the medical decision your wife and her doctor made to remove her Fallopian tubes (that’s what a bilateral salpingectomy is for the curious) after two complicated pregnancies in a row. Nobody asked for your input then, or now, because it isn’t your body. Your hopes do not outweigh other people’s medical conditions or choices about their own bodies, and it’s not even close. I hope that clears things up.
It doesn’t matter what “options” you offered your wife for having more kids after she almost died, twice, having the two you’re lucky enough to have. I’m not sure how IVF would work after the salpingectomy Edit: I know how it would work, thank you, science! But it’s beside the point anyhow, because it sounds like your wife has all the children she plans to because she’s not willing to risk death a third time. Does that mean you’ve been “completely shut out” or that she’s done being badgered about it?
From what you describe, you are treating your wife like your wish for an imaginary son is worth the possibility of her dying, worth more than your marriage, and worth more than being the best dad you can be to the daughters you’re lucky enough to have. And you are talking about leaving your family for someone else because you want a different incubator, not a loving relationship with a different human being. (Sounds like a great deal, who wouldn’t jump at the chance to bear the Royal Heir to Misogyny Manor! If you go that route, make sure that the new consort knows that if she fails to produce a son in a timely fashion, you’ll be moving along, so she can factor it into her dowry negotiations.)
Please, sir, get a therapist. If you go to a church that teaches that women are subservient to men, get one who is not affiliated with that church. You’ve got enough to unpack without adding more of the same.
After some therapy, I don’t know what you should do. If you really need to leave your marriage, then you should probably leave. Own the choice (vs. blaming your wife for letting you down somehow, because she didn’t), leave in a way that doesn’t destabilize your family’s lives financially or uproot their living situation, and then live with the consequences. Dive into the dating pool from your swinging bachelor pad, and set your ex-wife free to find someone who thinks she’s people.
If you want to stay married after therapy, try to pass this quiz without looking at your notes:
1. Can you name five things you like about your wife – as a person – that aren’t about a) what a good mom she is b) how pretty/sexy she is c) things she does for you and the kids, like cooking? No “I love how she puts up with me” bullshit. Is she funny? Is she cool? Does she have great taste in books or music? What do her friends love about her? What would make someone meet her and instantly want to be her friend? If you don’t know or can’t think of any, fucking find out. If you do know what you like about your wife, tell her.
2. Can you do the same for your daughters? What are five things you like about each of them as small people, without using the words “pretty” or “well-behaved.” Are they brave, hilarious, smart, cool, kind, skilled at something, creative, good at solving problems? Tell them. Tell them all the time.
3. Can you name five women you admire and respect? They can’t be your mom, your wife, anyone you’re related to, or anyone where what you admire is chiefly their beauty/hotness. Who are women who lead in your chosen career field, in your community, in your areas of interest? Who are your favorite female authors, thinkers, scientists, musicians, inventors, leaders, artists? If you can’t name any, it’s time to get curious and find some.
4. Since having more children is off the table for you and your wife, do you have any idea what your wife wants out of her life during the next 10-50 years? Is she a full-time stay-at-home parent now, or does she work outside the home? Does she have further career or educational aspirations for herself once both girls are in school full time? If you don’t know, find out, and ask what you can do to support her. And check back in on all of your dreams that aren’t about fatherhood.
5. When was the last vacation your wife took? Was it a vacation for her, where she got to relax and rest and do things she wanted to do, or was it a vacation where she planned everything and wrangled the children the entire time, just in a a different place? How many hobbies or leisure activities does she get to do, how often does she see her friends and family or go out without the kids while you hold down the fort at home? If you’re trying to woo this lady after your years-long campaign to colonize her womb once more, making sure she has plenty of rest and leisure time is a gift that keeps giving.
6. Quick, name the following things/people:
Your wife’s birthday
Your wedding anniversary
Your daughters’ birthdays
The best/most recent holiday, anniversary, and birthday gifts you picked out and purchased for your wife and daughters and any cool surprises you planned and executed on these occasions.
Your daughter’s current teachers, what grade they are in, and what classes they are taking
Their favorite teacher or teachers and classes (current or all-time)
The location and current start/end times of all school, day care, and regularly-scheduled activities they go to
The name of your family pediatrician
The last time your children went to said pediatrician and what it was for
Everybody’s favorite food, least favorite food, and any dietary restrictions or allergies
Your daughter’s favorite books, toys, movies, songs
What your daughters were for Halloween last year & where their costumes came from
Their best friends and the names of at least one of the friends’ parents
Their favorite outfits and colors.
Their current/most recent answer to “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Your daughters’ favorite ways to spend a day with dad doing fun stuff
If you got all of or most of those on the first try, then great! You’re on your way to being an involved family man and not a total loss on the “as a father of daughters” front. If you didn’t get all of those, then a) find out the answers, stay curious as they change, and demonstrate good follow-up skills b) consider that some of your wife’s reluctance to have more children, even with the help of a surrogate, is down to not wanting to take on all the parenting work herself so that you can finally have your trophy kid.
If you’ve got the good-dad-and-husband stuff covered and you’re still hungry to be around more kids and get to nurture and support them as they grow, there are plenty of opportunities to lead a scout troop, coach your daughter’s sports teams, chaperone their school field trips and awkward middle school dances, and be a band-dad or theater-dad or archery-dad or whatever kind of -dad supports the interests of their actual children and the other children in their communities, instead of theoretical sons. I had a tiny tool belt as a child for when I followed my dad around “helping” with home renovations (and eventually helping w/o the quotation marks). There’s no “manly” activity that you can’t teach your daughters if you have sufficient interest in them to invest the time and effort, and if you’re capable of seeing them as fully-formed people and not just as faulty substitutes for the boys you really wanted. (A thing they *will* notice, and when they do, it will cut them to the core).
I am being hard on you, because your letter was sexist and mean and small, and it’s really hard to be on your side when you describe a lady almost dying in childbirth a couple of times and deciding, “whoa, that’s enough near-death experiences” as a dereliction in her duty to you. Is your wife a person, or a failed incubator for your dreams? Are your daughters people or a test batch for the family you really want? If that remains unclear or debatable to you, then what the hell do you think you have to offer a new family? Why would any other woman want you, and why would she put herself through the risks of pregnancy, or entrust you with raising a son in your image or another daughter you’ll treat like a breach of contract?
I answered your letter with something other than “get in the bin and stay there” because maybe, just maybe, you asked me this question because you’re looking for a way forward where you aren’t doomed to star in one of the letters from adult daughters who don’t want their shitty, sexist, absentee dads walking them down the aisle at their wedding or commanding their attendance at holidays and deathbed forgiveness rituals.You described your choice as a binary between staying married (and eternally unfulfilled) or leaving for the possibility of future fulfillment (unless your potential future incubatrixes spitefully have only girls, or can’t have children at all). But you have a real opportunity to undo some of the damage you’ve already done, and a real chance to show up in the family you’re lucky enough to have before it’s too late. My advice is that it’s time to grieve whatever it is you think you’ve lost and do better. Your wife has been through hell, and she deserves your support for her dreams, not your continued pressure about yours.Your daughters deserve a dad who doesn’t treat their mom and other women like vessels. There’s still time to be the person who deserves them, and I hope you will rise to the occasion.
https://captainawkward.com/2023/04/02/1397-i-desperately-want-more-children-my-wife-does-not/
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7. DEAR ABBY: I'm back at work after being a stay-at-home mom for the last decade. My job is in public schooling, and I earn less than $25,000 a year. My husband works for a Fortune 500 company and earns more than $120,000 per year. I understand that we have debt, and I'm willing to contribute, but he keeps my paycheck -- all of it.
To be honest, even as hard as he works and as much as he takes care of and provides for our family, I am not happy. It's not that I plan to leave, but without my own money, I don't even have an option to plan for the future. How can I convince him to allow me the money I earn, while assuring him that I'll help to pay down our debt? -- WORKING FOR NOTHING IN OHIO
DEAR WORKING: Your husband appears to be deeply insecure and controlling. You are a wife, not an indentured servant. You shouldn't have to ask, beg or be required to convince him that you should have money YOU ARE EARNING. Tell him that, and also explain how much of your money you want to put aside in an account of your own. If he refuses, suggest the two of you get mediation from a licensed family therapist. If he refuses to go with you, go alone. You may also want to consult an attorney who specializes in family law about what your rights as a wife are in the state of Ohio. Please don't put it off.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2802853
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8. Dear Prudence,
I just moved in with my boyfriend of eight months. This is quicker than I’d normally move in with someone, but I had problems with an awful landlord, and my boyfriend had just bought a house. Things have been going really well, except for one issue.
My boyfriend’s hobby is woodworking, and he plans to furnish the house exclusively with pieces he builds himself. He’s really talented, but has limited time due to a demanding job, so one piece can take him months. In the meantime, we are going without a lot of furniture: sleeping on a mattress on the floor, eating dinner on the floor, etc. I offered to pay for secondhand furniture to use until he finishes replacements, but my boyfriend claims that living with substandard furniture will “pollute (his) imagination.” (He has lots of odd views about things, which 99 percent of the time I find funny and endearing, but can make it difficult to reason with him on occasion.)
Should I insist on temporary furniture? It is his house, and he was kind to let me move in rent-free, so I’m not sure if it’s within my rights, and after a lot of rocky dating history I don’t want to start an argument with a guy who could be “the one.” But I also don’t want to spend the next couple of years making friends sit in a circle on the floor when I throw a dinner party!
— Chairless
Dear Chairless,
I don’t think it’s the possibility of an argument that puts his potential “the one” status at risk. It’s his being stubborn, difficult to reason with, and disinterested in your comfort. I’m sure there is a woman out there who would be happy to live without a place to sit so this guy’s creativity could thrive, but it’s clearly not you. And I don’t think it ends here. Do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering whether your requests to live like a modern human and other reasonable needs are “within [your] rights?” There really aren’t a lot of “rights” in relationships because you can’t make anyone do anything, so if you’re going down this path, you’re not in a great place. You want to be partnered with someone who cares about how you feel and is open to compromise. I’m not sure how clear you’ve been with him about your needs, but make sure he understands how important this is to you and see if he changes his mind. If not, it might be time to start thinking about a move to a home—and a relationship—where you can be a little more comfortable.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/04/dear-prudence-no-furniture.html
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9. Dear Care and Feeding,
My 14-year-old child came out as non-binary last year in May. They’re autistic. My partner told them that he would allow them to be non-binary and out only if they went back to counseling. He searched long and hard to find a counselor who specialized in autism and diverse gender identities, and my child began to see the counselor. But recently they confessed to me that they find it a chore and don’t feel like they’re gaining anything. I don’t want them to stop going, though, not only because they are going through hard things, but also because my relationship with my partner is rocky at best. We divorced in 2019 because he was abusing me and got back together in 2021. We do still yell at each other sometimes and my 14-year-old has expressed distress at this and repeatedly asked me why we’re still together. Since 2021, I have only once considered taking my children (14 and 16) out of the house, away from my partner, for safety reasons. A few months ago, he was yelling and swearing at the 14-year-old about how “difficult” and “terrible” they are. Given everything that’s going on, I think my child does needs to be in counseling. And honestly I don’t know what my partner would say/do if they stopped. Should I search for a new counselor? Should I tell them they have to stick with this one? Or should I do something else?
—To Counsel or Not to Counsel
Dear TCoNtC,
You should “do something else”: Take your two kids and leave this man. Right now. If my urgency isn’t enough for you, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline and speak with someone there immediately.
What are you doing, living with someone who berates and swears at your child? Who places conditions on who your child can be? Who you are—it seems clear—afraid of? You returned to your abuser once. Don’t let that decision rule (and ruin) the rest of your life. If you can’t do this for your own sake, do it for the sake of your children.
As to counseling: I think both your kids—and you—would benefit from therapy, given the conditions under which you have all been living. If your younger child is also struggling with their identity, therapy (with the right therapist) could be helpful to them in particular, too. But are they struggling with this? Or is it their parents who are troubled by it? Autism and gender-nonconformance often occur together, and there are therapeutic programs designed to support children as they navigate this co-occurrence (for instance, this one). In any case, forcing your 14-year-old to keep seeing a counselor who they feel isn’t helping them is counterproductive. And forcing a child to remain in a household with an abusive parent is tantamount to abusing a child yourself.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/04/when-children-grow-up-parenting-advice-care-feeding.html
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10. DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is a very sweet, good-natured guy. But lately, he keeps upsetting me with a particular annoying (and in my view, very inconsiderate) habit. He loves taking photos of me, including candid photos when I don't realize he is taking them.
I accept it is part of who he is, and I try to be patient about it. The really upsetting part is that he sometimes sends these photos out without my consent, even if I find them embarrassing. For example, he sends them to his family on a group chat that includes nine relatives. Today, he even sent an embarrassing photo to one of my friends/co-workers. I never find out until after these pictures are sent.
I have repeatedly tried to explain that this upsets me and is an invasion of my privacy. I also explained that some moments are intimate and should be left between us. But he doesn't get it and laughs it off. He claims all the photos are "cute" or "beautiful" and that I shouldn't mind.
The last two times that I found out he sent photos, I felt rage. What do I do?
GENTLE READER: He is not all that sweet and good-natured if his idea of fun is to hound, upset and embarrass his wife. This is not "part of who he is," as you assert; it is something he chooses to do.
And whoever put cameras within easy reach of all by putting them into telephones has a lot to answer for. Only an exhibitionist would want to live in constant public view, although there do seem to be a lot of those around.
But your problem is bigger than that. Miss Manners suggests that you stop arguing about the photographs and instead find out why your husband thinks it is all right to annoy and upset you.
https://www.uexpress.com/life/miss-manners/2023/03/28
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11.Dear Annie: I am writing to you in a desperate effort to give my kids a good environment in the midst of a very turbulent marriage.
My wife and I are both in our late 30s. We have one 5-year-old and one toddler. We love them a lot. But it appears that we don't love, respect or trust each other any more.
We have been married for 12 years now and have been with each other for 20 years. My side of the story is that I try my best helping at home, in addition to my work. I pick up and drop off the kids from school and activities and do daily family shopping, yard work, cleaning, giving the kids baths and putting them to bed. I am trying, and I am willing to do more. My wife also works, and she takes care of the kids, cooks dinner and takes the kids to their activities. She also does daily chores.
Maybe I can do more. I have thought about it again and again, but I cannot come to a conclusion about what and how much more I can do in order for her to stop blaming me and saying that I don't help her or I don't do enough.
Lately, her constant nagging -- especially that she does all the cooking (I have finally asked her not to cook for me anymore) -- and that I don't do much are always accompanied by personal attacks, name-calling, shouting and, recently, hitting. I have tried to keep my calm for my kids because she does this in front of the babies, too.
I am scared that I am reaching my limit of tolerance and patience. I love my kids, and I am ready to endure more. I have tried to change myself to meet her demands, but I am not sure what will meet those expectations. I am also not in favor of divorce because of the kids.
I have offered her living like roommates and clearly defining responsibilities. I don't think overlapping responsibilities will work.
My questions are: 1) What more can I do? 2) Is avoiding divorce for kids' sake a good or bad decision? 3) Can we get back to a normal married life, and if yes, how?
As I am writing, I am shaking, as I never thought this could happen to my family. I am disappointed in myself and worried for my kids.
Please advise. Thank you. Just writing this helps. -- Confused Dad
Dear Confused Dad: If the options are to get a divorce or to model a hateful, violent and uncooperative marriage for your children, then the answer is very clear: get a divorce. Should your children grow up witnessing this type of interaction between you and your wife, they will believe that's what marriage is supposed to look like. That would be the worst possible outcome.
My advice to you is to seek marriage counseling immediately. It is obvious that you are willing to put in the work, and I commend you for that. Your wife needs to be equally willing.
Sometimes it is not a question of doing things more but doing things differently. Clearly something is not working, and it needs very immediate attention before things get worse. If you are seeking support for your wife's violence against you, I encourage you to call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.
And finally, I want to draw attention to the last part of your letter as a PSA for my readers: "Just writing this helps." Journaling is no replacement for therapy, but it is often an incredibly cathartic outlet.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2801436
1, Dear Amy: I've been married for 36 years. Whenever we see my husband's family, there would be a point when the "family" would be in one room and the "not-family" in another.
A few years ago, one of his sisters was very ill and needed help. All the siblings pitched in. She is healthy now, and it made them realize that they wanted to spend more time together. However, they exclude the "non-family” in these gatherings. They get together three or four times a year. My husband and I moved a distance away a few years ago. They got together just before we moved and celebrated his birthday. I was not included.
Last year when we traveled for one of these gatherings, I had dinner with a friend, and then waited for 30 minutes for my husband to come out of the restaurant, where he was with his siblings! He now says I could have joined them, but I know they don't want anyone but siblings. I have told him that if I travel with him again so he can see his siblings, I will not wait in the parking lot for him! Should I be more understanding about his time with his siblings?
– Not Family
Dear Not Family: I don’t think it’s that uncommon for siblings to want to get together, and yet there is a balance here where spouses should not be (or feel) deliberately excluded. In my own massive in-law family (13 siblings!), I’ve formed an attachment to the spouses and we occasionally have our own “out-law” get-togethers when the siblings are hanging together.
No, your husband’s siblings should not have had a birthday celebration for him in your town without including you. Your husband is responsible for establishing that he does NOT leave you behind for special occasions.
On the other hand, I can’t imagine waiting in a parking lot, fuming, when you could have simply entered the venue and perhaps joined them for a cup of coffee. You’re an adult. You have the responsibility to treat others as you wish to be treated.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2804651?fs
2.DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently caught up with an old friend of mine. She and I both got married around the same time more than 20 years ago. She got divorced at least 10 years ago, around the same time that I was seriously thinking about it. All these years later, I'm still miserable, and she seems to be happy. She is single, but she has a great guy in her life. I saw the two of them together, and she seemed content. Meanwhile, I am miserable. Should I consider this to be a sign? Should I get divorced? -- Is It Time?
DEAR IS IT TIME?: Your friend's life is her own, not yours. Of course you can observe her and see how her choices have played out, but you cannot think that your life will unfold like hers if you make a similar choice. The two of you are different people.
You can and should look closely at your own life and marriage. Ask yourself what is working and what is not. Drum up the courage to talk to your spouse. If you can, talk honestly with each other about what you want in life and in your future. Do not tell your spouse you have been thinking about divorce for 10 years. Instead, consider whether you can reignite your connection. If not, respectfully plan your departure, but don't be cruel in the process.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/senseandsensitivity/s-2803454
3. Dear Amy: My partner (we live together) owns a vacation home in the Southwest. Months ago, he made plans to take three of his teenage grandchildren there over spring break. After that plan was hatched, I was diagnosed with cancer and am undergoing chemotherapy.
I had hoped that he would cancel his plans so he could be at our home to help me out, but he went ahead and make airline reservations, after he knew the dates of his vacation would coincide with my treatment.
I am feeling hurt, rejected and unimportant to him, in addition to feeling the ill effects of my treatment. I could have used his help with meals, driving to the clinic, and overall companionship. My daughter, who has a full-time job, stepped in.
Amy, he rarely sees these grandchildren, who live within 15 minutes of us. Why couldn’t he have just scheduled a few spring break outings at home instead of traveling during this crucial time?
– Sad and Suffering
Dear Sad: My mother once said to me, “Remember: People do what they want to do.” When pondering disappointing choices people make that let you down, I think it helps to accept this simple truism.
On the face of it, your partner doesn’t seem to have placed a high priority on being your stalwart helpmate. For many people, showing up during an emergency illness is a high calling. Doing so can elevate you to realize your own better nature.
Not so much for your guy, evidently.
One of the joys of being a good grandparent is to spend “quality time” with your grandchildren, indulging them with special experiences.
More important, however, are the lasting lessons grandparents can impart to their grands – about stepping up, stepping in, and demonstrating your commitment to those who need you.
Factors that you don’t mention could be related to how and why you two chose each other in the first place – such as whether he went through a divorce that has made him feel insecure and guilty toward his children and grandchildren.
Regardless, it looks like you are not spending your life with an “in sickness and in health” person.
I hope you’ve chosen to talk to him about this, honestly expressing how this episode has made you feel.
Now that you know what he’s like when the chips are down, you can move forward, understanding that when it comes to some of your greater needs, you should not necessarily count on him.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2802913?fs
4. Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for 19 years. He is 66, and I'm 59, and it's the third marriage for both of us. We both still work full time.
When we are at home, or when we're out and it's just the two of us, he treats me perfectly. However, when we're out with company -- usually mine -- or his grown-up children, he just totally disconnects from me and almost stonewalls me. It is as if he is treating me like a total stranger he's just walked past in the street. There is no eye contact, and sometimes he becomes hypervigilant.
This behavior is causing me deep distress and is very confusing, I have spoken to him about it, and he says it's unintentional. He says that he cannot see that he's doing anything wrong. The last time I brought it up, he said, "Oh, no, not this again."
I am so confused and don't know how to deal with this. Please help. -- A Very Confused Wife
Dear Confused Wife: You have a right to be confused. Continue to talk to him about it. Maybe before you are going to get together with his children, have a code word for when he is doing it so that you can help him see it as it happens. Let him know that it is unacceptable for him to be so dismissive of your feelings. If he is still flippant about how you feel, it might be time to seek the help of a professional counselor.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2802917
5. My husband, whom I have been with for 30 years, has never been very comfortable with sex. I was in my late 30s when we met and had long been single. We worked together; he was smart and made me laugh. I realized he was basically a good person, and we were mostly happy together. Although he is a bit controlling, I have found ways to either ignore or confront this behavior. Sex and intimate contact, however, have devolved over time. Now there is no more than a daily perfunctory kiss.
The problem is that I am a very sensual person. I did have an affair that I managed to keep from him a few years ago, and that kept my sanity intact. I owe my husband a lot, and he has been deeply supportive of my art career. Recently when I left town for three weeks to take care of my ailing mother, he said that he would have killed himself if I hadn’t come back. But can I stay in a celibate marriage for the last few years of my viability as a woman? I’ve become very depressed. We have no children together, so that is not part of the equation. I don’t want to hurt him; if I left, he would be devastated in a way that I’m not sure he could recover from. I recently met someone I am very drawn to, but I am tortured by the choice. — Name Withheld
There isn’t just one model of enduring happy marriage. But the usual contemporary ideal begins with sexual attraction and passionate romantic feelings and turns into a long-term mutual engagement, with physical intimacy as a big part of it. What’s evident is that your concern goes beyond sexual gratification in any narrow sense. When you mention the prospect of leaving your husband for someone you are “very drawn to,” it’s clear that you want a different kind of connection, involving physical intimacy in the context of a loving relationship.
That’s not something you and your husband have lost; it’s something you never had. In an observation about eros often credited to Lacan, desire implicates the desire to be desired. Your description of your “mostly happy” marriage, by contrast, makes it sound as though your relationship has been a long friendship with benefits — modest benefits, which have ebbed to nothing. It’s possible to wonder why your marriage has lasted so long. I say this not because a companionable marriage that isn’t grounded in romance and eros can’t be an alternative ideal (a so-called mariage blanc involves no sex at all), but because it obviously isn’t your ideal. Whatever the marital model is, it should meet the needs of both parties. Couples don’t have to have exactly matching desires for sex, but it’s better if some mutual accommodation is possible.
What to do now? Your husband has effectively threatened to kill himself if you leave him. Although this is probably hyperbole — and, I fear, another instance of his being controlling — your worries about his suffering are plausible. The commitments we make when we marry, and the obligations that flow from many years of a shared life, mean that this partnership should be treated with care. You owe a decades-long partner something.
But not everything. Many older people would urge you to reconsider your belief that you’re in your final years of “viability as a woman,” including the way you conceive your identity as a woman. Still, you can’t command yourself to give up your feelings of discontent and frustration, and those feelings aren’t going to make you the best companion in the years ahead. Nor do you owe it to your spouse to abandon your own happiness. At this point, you’ll need to have a series of difficult conversations with him, perhaps with the assistance of a counselor. I’m not confident that it will rescue the situation. But it might help you both to see your situation clearly and together, even if what results is separation. The decades you’ve shared mean you both deserve an attempt at resolution and some clarity about what has gone wrong.
https://www.nytimes.com/2023/03/31/magazine/divorce-sex-affair-ethics.html
6. Dear Captain Awkward,
My wife and I have 2 kids both girls. When we were dating we agreed on 3 kids. Our first daughter caused complications at birth. First she was late, then decided to flip when my wife asked for an epidural. And it required an emergency c section because her doctor never showed up and the doctor in the hospital came in late to asses her. After the c section the doctor did not follow procedure and she developed a blood clot. It healed and everything was good. 4 years later she got pregnant with our second daughter, 4 years later I found out she got another blood clot in same leg as the first at around 2 months pregnant. They did a scheduled c section and convinced my wife to have a bilateral salpingectomy. That I wasn’t told about until the day of birth. And I also didn’t agree with.
Here we are 4 years later and I still want more kids and have offered all options to my wife but she refuses any of them. I have asked her about IVF, surrogacy, and other options she has refused all. I am left torn because I do want more children and in the beginning I wanted 4 or 5 but we agreed on 3. And I would like at least one more chance for a boy and have been completely shut out. Lately I find myself thinking about finding another women to have more kids but I take my vows seriously and am completely torn between wanting more kids and my wife. I do know if I don’t have more kids it is going to be on my mind my whole life and I don’t know if I can live with either choice.
Dear Sir:
I don’t know what on earth you expected when you wrote to me, but here is what I’ve got.
A lot of people don’t get to have all the children they wish for in life or become parents at all, and it’s not strange or wrong to grieve for lost possibilities. If that’s the case for you, then take it to a therapist. Talk through it. Feel all the feelings. Negotiate with your messy heart and the indifferent universe on territory that isn’t your wife’s bodily autonomy or your massive sense of entitlement to her reproductive system for a change.
Right now, you are trying to set this question up as a dilemma between your dreams of being a fruitful paterfamilias and your wife’s supposed reneging on agreements within your existing relationship. You are describing your wife like she broke some kind of promise to you, and you are treating her like a faulty incubator, not a human being. Not cool.
However many children your wife “agreed to” when you were dating, you have two, and it sounds like you’re lucky to have those. Agreements change all the time, and it’s not like there aren’t mitigating circumstances. Plus, have you considered the possibility that she’s grieving, too? That some dream or possibility closed off for her, just as much as it did for you, plus she underwent substantial physical trauma and made the best choice she could under the circumstances?
It doesn’t matter whether you agree with the medical decision your wife and her doctor made to remove her Fallopian tubes (that’s what a bilateral salpingectomy is for the curious) after two complicated pregnancies in a row. Nobody asked for your input then, or now, because it isn’t your body. Your hopes do not outweigh other people’s medical conditions or choices about their own bodies, and it’s not even close. I hope that clears things up.
It doesn’t matter what “options” you offered your wife for having more kids after she almost died, twice, having the two you’re lucky enough to have. I’m not sure how IVF would work after the salpingectomy Edit: I know how it would work, thank you, science! But it’s beside the point anyhow, because it sounds like your wife has all the children she plans to because she’s not willing to risk death a third time. Does that mean you’ve been “completely shut out” or that she’s done being badgered about it?
From what you describe, you are treating your wife like your wish for an imaginary son is worth the possibility of her dying, worth more than your marriage, and worth more than being the best dad you can be to the daughters you’re lucky enough to have. And you are talking about leaving your family for someone else because you want a different incubator, not a loving relationship with a different human being. (Sounds like a great deal, who wouldn’t jump at the chance to bear the Royal Heir to Misogyny Manor! If you go that route, make sure that the new consort knows that if she fails to produce a son in a timely fashion, you’ll be moving along, so she can factor it into her dowry negotiations.)
Please, sir, get a therapist. If you go to a church that teaches that women are subservient to men, get one who is not affiliated with that church. You’ve got enough to unpack without adding more of the same.
After some therapy, I don’t know what you should do. If you really need to leave your marriage, then you should probably leave. Own the choice (vs. blaming your wife for letting you down somehow, because she didn’t), leave in a way that doesn’t destabilize your family’s lives financially or uproot their living situation, and then live with the consequences. Dive into the dating pool from your swinging bachelor pad, and set your ex-wife free to find someone who thinks she’s people.
If you want to stay married after therapy, try to pass this quiz without looking at your notes:
1. Can you name five things you like about your wife – as a person – that aren’t about a) what a good mom she is b) how pretty/sexy she is c) things she does for you and the kids, like cooking? No “I love how she puts up with me” bullshit. Is she funny? Is she cool? Does she have great taste in books or music? What do her friends love about her? What would make someone meet her and instantly want to be her friend? If you don’t know or can’t think of any, fucking find out. If you do know what you like about your wife, tell her.
2. Can you do the same for your daughters? What are five things you like about each of them as small people, without using the words “pretty” or “well-behaved.” Are they brave, hilarious, smart, cool, kind, skilled at something, creative, good at solving problems? Tell them. Tell them all the time.
3. Can you name five women you admire and respect? They can’t be your mom, your wife, anyone you’re related to, or anyone where what you admire is chiefly their beauty/hotness. Who are women who lead in your chosen career field, in your community, in your areas of interest? Who are your favorite female authors, thinkers, scientists, musicians, inventors, leaders, artists? If you can’t name any, it’s time to get curious and find some.
4. Since having more children is off the table for you and your wife, do you have any idea what your wife wants out of her life during the next 10-50 years? Is she a full-time stay-at-home parent now, or does she work outside the home? Does she have further career or educational aspirations for herself once both girls are in school full time? If you don’t know, find out, and ask what you can do to support her. And check back in on all of your dreams that aren’t about fatherhood.
5. When was the last vacation your wife took? Was it a vacation for her, where she got to relax and rest and do things she wanted to do, or was it a vacation where she planned everything and wrangled the children the entire time, just in a a different place? How many hobbies or leisure activities does she get to do, how often does she see her friends and family or go out without the kids while you hold down the fort at home? If you’re trying to woo this lady after your years-long campaign to colonize her womb once more, making sure she has plenty of rest and leisure time is a gift that keeps giving.
6. Quick, name the following things/people:
Your wife’s birthday
Your wedding anniversary
Your daughters’ birthdays
The best/most recent holiday, anniversary, and birthday gifts you picked out and purchased for your wife and daughters and any cool surprises you planned and executed on these occasions.
Your daughter’s current teachers, what grade they are in, and what classes they are taking
Their favorite teacher or teachers and classes (current or all-time)
The location and current start/end times of all school, day care, and regularly-scheduled activities they go to
The name of your family pediatrician
The last time your children went to said pediatrician and what it was for
Everybody’s favorite food, least favorite food, and any dietary restrictions or allergies
Your daughter’s favorite books, toys, movies, songs
What your daughters were for Halloween last year & where their costumes came from
Their best friends and the names of at least one of the friends’ parents
Their favorite outfits and colors.
Their current/most recent answer to “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Your daughters’ favorite ways to spend a day with dad doing fun stuff
If you got all of or most of those on the first try, then great! You’re on your way to being an involved family man and not a total loss on the “as a father of daughters” front. If you didn’t get all of those, then a) find out the answers, stay curious as they change, and demonstrate good follow-up skills b) consider that some of your wife’s reluctance to have more children, even with the help of a surrogate, is down to not wanting to take on all the parenting work herself so that you can finally have your trophy kid.
If you’ve got the good-dad-and-husband stuff covered and you’re still hungry to be around more kids and get to nurture and support them as they grow, there are plenty of opportunities to lead a scout troop, coach your daughter’s sports teams, chaperone their school field trips and awkward middle school dances, and be a band-dad or theater-dad or archery-dad or whatever kind of -dad supports the interests of their actual children and the other children in their communities, instead of theoretical sons. I had a tiny tool belt as a child for when I followed my dad around “helping” with home renovations (and eventually helping w/o the quotation marks). There’s no “manly” activity that you can’t teach your daughters if you have sufficient interest in them to invest the time and effort, and if you’re capable of seeing them as fully-formed people and not just as faulty substitutes for the boys you really wanted. (A thing they *will* notice, and when they do, it will cut them to the core).
I am being hard on you, because your letter was sexist and mean and small, and it’s really hard to be on your side when you describe a lady almost dying in childbirth a couple of times and deciding, “whoa, that’s enough near-death experiences” as a dereliction in her duty to you. Is your wife a person, or a failed incubator for your dreams? Are your daughters people or a test batch for the family you really want? If that remains unclear or debatable to you, then what the hell do you think you have to offer a new family? Why would any other woman want you, and why would she put herself through the risks of pregnancy, or entrust you with raising a son in your image or another daughter you’ll treat like a breach of contract?
I answered your letter with something other than “get in the bin and stay there” because maybe, just maybe, you asked me this question because you’re looking for a way forward where you aren’t doomed to star in one of the letters from adult daughters who don’t want their shitty, sexist, absentee dads walking them down the aisle at their wedding or commanding their attendance at holidays and deathbed forgiveness rituals.You described your choice as a binary between staying married (and eternally unfulfilled) or leaving for the possibility of future fulfillment (unless your potential future incubatrixes spitefully have only girls, or can’t have children at all). But you have a real opportunity to undo some of the damage you’ve already done, and a real chance to show up in the family you’re lucky enough to have before it’s too late. My advice is that it’s time to grieve whatever it is you think you’ve lost and do better. Your wife has been through hell, and she deserves your support for her dreams, not your continued pressure about yours.Your daughters deserve a dad who doesn’t treat their mom and other women like vessels. There’s still time to be the person who deserves them, and I hope you will rise to the occasion.
https://captainawkward.com/2023/04/02/1397-i-desperately-want-more-children-my-wife-does-not/
7. DEAR ABBY: I'm back at work after being a stay-at-home mom for the last decade. My job is in public schooling, and I earn less than $25,000 a year. My husband works for a Fortune 500 company and earns more than $120,000 per year. I understand that we have debt, and I'm willing to contribute, but he keeps my paycheck -- all of it.
To be honest, even as hard as he works and as much as he takes care of and provides for our family, I am not happy. It's not that I plan to leave, but without my own money, I don't even have an option to plan for the future. How can I convince him to allow me the money I earn, while assuring him that I'll help to pay down our debt? -- WORKING FOR NOTHING IN OHIO
DEAR WORKING: Your husband appears to be deeply insecure and controlling. You are a wife, not an indentured servant. You shouldn't have to ask, beg or be required to convince him that you should have money YOU ARE EARNING. Tell him that, and also explain how much of your money you want to put aside in an account of your own. If he refuses, suggest the two of you get mediation from a licensed family therapist. If he refuses to go with you, go alone. You may also want to consult an attorney who specializes in family law about what your rights as a wife are in the state of Ohio. Please don't put it off.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2802853
8. Dear Prudence,
I just moved in with my boyfriend of eight months. This is quicker than I’d normally move in with someone, but I had problems with an awful landlord, and my boyfriend had just bought a house. Things have been going really well, except for one issue.
My boyfriend’s hobby is woodworking, and he plans to furnish the house exclusively with pieces he builds himself. He’s really talented, but has limited time due to a demanding job, so one piece can take him months. In the meantime, we are going without a lot of furniture: sleeping on a mattress on the floor, eating dinner on the floor, etc. I offered to pay for secondhand furniture to use until he finishes replacements, but my boyfriend claims that living with substandard furniture will “pollute (his) imagination.” (He has lots of odd views about things, which 99 percent of the time I find funny and endearing, but can make it difficult to reason with him on occasion.)
Should I insist on temporary furniture? It is his house, and he was kind to let me move in rent-free, so I’m not sure if it’s within my rights, and after a lot of rocky dating history I don’t want to start an argument with a guy who could be “the one.” But I also don’t want to spend the next couple of years making friends sit in a circle on the floor when I throw a dinner party!
— Chairless
Dear Chairless,
I don’t think it’s the possibility of an argument that puts his potential “the one” status at risk. It’s his being stubborn, difficult to reason with, and disinterested in your comfort. I’m sure there is a woman out there who would be happy to live without a place to sit so this guy’s creativity could thrive, but it’s clearly not you. And I don’t think it ends here. Do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering whether your requests to live like a modern human and other reasonable needs are “within [your] rights?” There really aren’t a lot of “rights” in relationships because you can’t make anyone do anything, so if you’re going down this path, you’re not in a great place. You want to be partnered with someone who cares about how you feel and is open to compromise. I’m not sure how clear you’ve been with him about your needs, but make sure he understands how important this is to you and see if he changes his mind. If not, it might be time to start thinking about a move to a home—and a relationship—where you can be a little more comfortable.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/04/dear-prudence-no-furniture.html
9. Dear Care and Feeding,
My 14-year-old child came out as non-binary last year in May. They’re autistic. My partner told them that he would allow them to be non-binary and out only if they went back to counseling. He searched long and hard to find a counselor who specialized in autism and diverse gender identities, and my child began to see the counselor. But recently they confessed to me that they find it a chore and don’t feel like they’re gaining anything. I don’t want them to stop going, though, not only because they are going through hard things, but also because my relationship with my partner is rocky at best. We divorced in 2019 because he was abusing me and got back together in 2021. We do still yell at each other sometimes and my 14-year-old has expressed distress at this and repeatedly asked me why we’re still together. Since 2021, I have only once considered taking my children (14 and 16) out of the house, away from my partner, for safety reasons. A few months ago, he was yelling and swearing at the 14-year-old about how “difficult” and “terrible” they are. Given everything that’s going on, I think my child does needs to be in counseling. And honestly I don’t know what my partner would say/do if they stopped. Should I search for a new counselor? Should I tell them they have to stick with this one? Or should I do something else?
—To Counsel or Not to Counsel
Dear TCoNtC,
You should “do something else”: Take your two kids and leave this man. Right now. If my urgency isn’t enough for you, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline and speak with someone there immediately.
What are you doing, living with someone who berates and swears at your child? Who places conditions on who your child can be? Who you are—it seems clear—afraid of? You returned to your abuser once. Don’t let that decision rule (and ruin) the rest of your life. If you can’t do this for your own sake, do it for the sake of your children.
As to counseling: I think both your kids—and you—would benefit from therapy, given the conditions under which you have all been living. If your younger child is also struggling with their identity, therapy (with the right therapist) could be helpful to them in particular, too. But are they struggling with this? Or is it their parents who are troubled by it? Autism and gender-nonconformance often occur together, and there are therapeutic programs designed to support children as they navigate this co-occurrence (for instance, this one). In any case, forcing your 14-year-old to keep seeing a counselor who they feel isn’t helping them is counterproductive. And forcing a child to remain in a household with an abusive parent is tantamount to abusing a child yourself.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/04/when-children-grow-up-parenting-advice-care-feeding.html
10. DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is a very sweet, good-natured guy. But lately, he keeps upsetting me with a particular annoying (and in my view, very inconsiderate) habit. He loves taking photos of me, including candid photos when I don't realize he is taking them.
I accept it is part of who he is, and I try to be patient about it. The really upsetting part is that he sometimes sends these photos out without my consent, even if I find them embarrassing. For example, he sends them to his family on a group chat that includes nine relatives. Today, he even sent an embarrassing photo to one of my friends/co-workers. I never find out until after these pictures are sent.
I have repeatedly tried to explain that this upsets me and is an invasion of my privacy. I also explained that some moments are intimate and should be left between us. But he doesn't get it and laughs it off. He claims all the photos are "cute" or "beautiful" and that I shouldn't mind.
The last two times that I found out he sent photos, I felt rage. What do I do?
GENTLE READER: He is not all that sweet and good-natured if his idea of fun is to hound, upset and embarrass his wife. This is not "part of who he is," as you assert; it is something he chooses to do.
And whoever put cameras within easy reach of all by putting them into telephones has a lot to answer for. Only an exhibitionist would want to live in constant public view, although there do seem to be a lot of those around.
But your problem is bigger than that. Miss Manners suggests that you stop arguing about the photographs and instead find out why your husband thinks it is all right to annoy and upset you.
https://www.uexpress.com/life/miss-manners/2023/03/28
11.Dear Annie: I am writing to you in a desperate effort to give my kids a good environment in the midst of a very turbulent marriage.
My wife and I are both in our late 30s. We have one 5-year-old and one toddler. We love them a lot. But it appears that we don't love, respect or trust each other any more.
We have been married for 12 years now and have been with each other for 20 years. My side of the story is that I try my best helping at home, in addition to my work. I pick up and drop off the kids from school and activities and do daily family shopping, yard work, cleaning, giving the kids baths and putting them to bed. I am trying, and I am willing to do more. My wife also works, and she takes care of the kids, cooks dinner and takes the kids to their activities. She also does daily chores.
Maybe I can do more. I have thought about it again and again, but I cannot come to a conclusion about what and how much more I can do in order for her to stop blaming me and saying that I don't help her or I don't do enough.
Lately, her constant nagging -- especially that she does all the cooking (I have finally asked her not to cook for me anymore) -- and that I don't do much are always accompanied by personal attacks, name-calling, shouting and, recently, hitting. I have tried to keep my calm for my kids because she does this in front of the babies, too.
I am scared that I am reaching my limit of tolerance and patience. I love my kids, and I am ready to endure more. I have tried to change myself to meet her demands, but I am not sure what will meet those expectations. I am also not in favor of divorce because of the kids.
I have offered her living like roommates and clearly defining responsibilities. I don't think overlapping responsibilities will work.
My questions are: 1) What more can I do? 2) Is avoiding divorce for kids' sake a good or bad decision? 3) Can we get back to a normal married life, and if yes, how?
As I am writing, I am shaking, as I never thought this could happen to my family. I am disappointed in myself and worried for my kids.
Please advise. Thank you. Just writing this helps. -- Confused Dad
Dear Confused Dad: If the options are to get a divorce or to model a hateful, violent and uncooperative marriage for your children, then the answer is very clear: get a divorce. Should your children grow up witnessing this type of interaction between you and your wife, they will believe that's what marriage is supposed to look like. That would be the worst possible outcome.
My advice to you is to seek marriage counseling immediately. It is obvious that you are willing to put in the work, and I commend you for that. Your wife needs to be equally willing.
Sometimes it is not a question of doing things more but doing things differently. Clearly something is not working, and it needs very immediate attention before things get worse. If you are seeking support for your wife's violence against you, I encourage you to call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.
And finally, I want to draw attention to the last part of your letter as a PSA for my readers: "Just writing this helps." Journaling is no replacement for therapy, but it is often an incredibly cathartic outlet.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2801436
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2. JFC, you've been sitting around thinking of divorce and how miserable you are for how long!? What are you even waiting for? Just leave already!
3. Leave him. I cannot believe LW is entertaining any other options. If the dude won't even come with you to chemo, he's not worth it. The sex cannot possibly be that good.
4. This may be a situation that calls for couples therapy. Tell him "It's therapy or a divorce lawyer", because life is too short for this.
5. Talk about burying the lede! The problem here is not about sexual incompatibility, the problem is that LW's husband is emotionally abusive. LW needs to leave him, like, yesterday. If he makes any more suicide threats then LW should immediately call 911 and tell them this. Either he's sincere and hopefully gets the help he needs or, and I do think this is more likely the case given that it's the *second* time LW mentions he's a controlling jerk, he spends an embarrassing and uncomfortable few nights trying to explain that he's an asshole but not suicidal. Either way, he deserves to be taken seriously, and LW deserves to be happy.
6. Wow. Did LW seriously blame his daughter for her own complicated childbirth? Like, that sort of thing sounds like what other people say when they're joking, but somehow I don't think he's joking. He needs to show this letter to his life so she can leave. Get a copy notarized so the judge knows exactly how much she's entitled to in the divorce and how much he isn't.
7. If LW is not allowed access to money, this is a type of domestic abuse. Do not go to therapy with your abuser.
8. This guy isn't "the one". Find someplace else to stay, LW.
9. I have no idea why LW went back to this charmer in the first place. What a jerk.
10. LW, please - leave this gaslighting boor.
11. Do not go to therapy with somebody who hits you. Do not do it. Just get a divorce, and be sure to mention the domestic violence when asking for a greater share of custody. It is not good for kids to be with parents who are unhappy with each other, even if they think they hide it really well. It is *really* not good for kids to be raised in a household where one parent is physically violent.
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He and his wife intended to have more children than they have. After their third daughter was born, my SIL had a bit of retained placenta that was undetected (the medical staff did not properly examine the placenta after the birth, and her doctor did not listen when she said that her bleeding was excessive and wasn't slowing down after 6 weeks). She called my brother at work one day telling him she thought she needed to go to the hospital. He left work and drove home -- a 20 minute drive. By the time he got there, she was unconscious in a pool of blood.
For some weird fuckin' reason, cannot imagine what it is, his wife didn't want to go through pregnancy and birth again after that. For some weird fuckin' reason, probably some kind of wacky and dumb reason like "he actually likes his wife" or "he doesn't have some pathological need for male children", my brother thought this was GREAT and a TERRIFIC decision.
I kind of want to point this LW at my brother, or my brother at LW, but honestly I'd be hoping for an asskicking instead of some man-to-man advice.
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Also, I mean, I think this particular brother is pretty great, but I also feel like "believing a woman is allowed to make choices about her own body" and "isn't crappy about not having a son" ought to be bare minimum for "person who has sex with women" and "person who is a parent" and unworthy of comment.
AND YET AS THAT LW SHOWS....... some people are unable to step over that piece of string on the ground.
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We were all very relieved that her 4th child was a boy, because she kept saying "it's important to my husband to have a son to pass on the family surname"
and it was clear that she was going to keep having children forever until one of them was a boy
(ye fishes and little gods, imagine if her son had ended up being a trans girl. The parents would NOT have been accepting)
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* lies facedown on ground*
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But #7's economic abuse and depressing. Also, I like C&F's answer to #9. (It won't work, yet, probably, but it's well said.)
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