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Two letters from the same column on a very similar topic to each other
1. Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I are currently planning a trip to Taiwan, where I emigrated from as a young adult, to visit my parents and extended family. We have two children, 16-year-old “Ada” and 13-year-old “Megan.”
Since Ada was little, she has always been an incredibly picky eater. She is quite sensitive to the different textures of food, and there are some foods she refuses to try at all. When she was little, we thought she may have autism or a related condition, but ruled that out with her doctor. She is much more open to trying new foods than she used to be, and we are no longer overly concerned. However, she still dislikes most Chinese food.
Obviously, in Taiwan, the vast majority of our meals would consist of Chinese food. Yesterday over dinner, I mentioned this to her, and she joked that it would be a waste of money to take her to Taiwan, given that she wouldn’t enjoy it and would refuse to try most of the food there. I got mad, and told her that I would have to explain her “strange” eating habits to all of our relatives, and that I had no idea why she had to be so stubborn about the foods that she doesn’t want to eat.
After the blowup (which involved fighting about some other things), Ada won’t speak to me. According to my husband, she claims that I don’t “understand” her aversion to certain tastes and textures, and that she isn’t doing this to be intentionally rude to anybody.
What should I do?
— Frustrated About Food
Dear Frustrated About Food,
I am not a doctor, but your description of your daughter’s food issues immediately made me think of ARFID, or Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder, a fairly new diagnosis that is often mistaken for “picky eating.” I wonder if you might want to take Ava to a behavioral pediatrician, nutritionist, dietitian, or food therapist who specializes in eating disorders, so that they can test your daughter for this condition. To seek out local resources, try contacting the helpline for the National Eating Disorders Association or any local eating disorder clinic.
I asked my friend Wayne Scott, who is a psychotherapist as well as the father of a son with ARFID, about parenting a child with this disorder and he added, “Many parents attribute these food particularities to temperament and personality, which leads to needless power struggles—and so much yelling!—when something is in fact an organic disorder.” For foreign travel, which he says can be very difficult, Wayne suggests loading up a suitcase with enough of your daughter’s “safe foods” to last your trip as a backup. For them, doing so actually decreased their son’s anxiety, and he was willing to try more things as a result.
Whether or not your daughter has a disorder, given that she’s struggled with her food sensitivities her whole life, I think it’s best to believe her when she says it’s not something she can help. Things like travel, social occasions, and holidays can be extremely stressful for kids with any kind of eating issues, since they often revolve around food and they may feel pressured or shamed into participating. If family members inquire, I’d just say explain her eating habits are nothing personal and shut it down as a continued topic of discussion. As long as she’s not underweight and she’s getting the nutrients she needs, her eating, while perhaps inconvenient, really isn’t hurting anyone.
********************
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a strange problem with my teenage daughter. This may sound gross, but for years now, she has had this bad habit of picking at the skin around her fingernails. She started doing this when she was around four years old and over a decade later she still hasn’t stopped. As a result, her fingers have horrible-looking cuts on them that are often bleeding. When she was younger, her father and I would try to scare her by telling her no one would want to be her friend if her fingers looked like that or how open wounds could lead to serious infections but nothing has stopped her. She claims that picking at her fingers makes her “feel better,” which is such a crazy thing to say. It makes me so angry that she keeps making excuses. Our daughter claims that she has been trying to stop, but she has been saying that for years and there have been no changes. If she can’t even stop this simple bad habit, how will she do more difficult things in life in the future? What should we do about our daughter’s problem?
— At My Wit’s End
Dear At My Wit’s End,
Rather than getting angry about your daughter’s “bad habit,” consider the fact that it may have an underlying psychological cause. Behaviors like skin-picking, hair-pulling, cheek-biting, etc., when taken to the extreme, are called body-focused repetitive behaviors (BFRBs) and may be related to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Feeling a sense of pleasure or relief after picking is absolutely normal for people struggling with this issue, not “crazy.” I suggest you first educate yourself on these behaviors—you can find more information from the TLC Foundation for BFRBs and the International OCD Foundation. Then I suggest using one of their resource directories to find her a therapist, before finding yourself one to also help you to understand mental health issues, cope with your daughter’s problem, and figure out how to be a source of support to her, which she so desperately needs.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/04/when-in-laws-cross-boundaries-parenting-advice-from-care-and-feeding.html
My husband and I are currently planning a trip to Taiwan, where I emigrated from as a young adult, to visit my parents and extended family. We have two children, 16-year-old “Ada” and 13-year-old “Megan.”
Since Ada was little, she has always been an incredibly picky eater. She is quite sensitive to the different textures of food, and there are some foods she refuses to try at all. When she was little, we thought she may have autism or a related condition, but ruled that out with her doctor. She is much more open to trying new foods than she used to be, and we are no longer overly concerned. However, she still dislikes most Chinese food.
Obviously, in Taiwan, the vast majority of our meals would consist of Chinese food. Yesterday over dinner, I mentioned this to her, and she joked that it would be a waste of money to take her to Taiwan, given that she wouldn’t enjoy it and would refuse to try most of the food there. I got mad, and told her that I would have to explain her “strange” eating habits to all of our relatives, and that I had no idea why she had to be so stubborn about the foods that she doesn’t want to eat.
After the blowup (which involved fighting about some other things), Ada won’t speak to me. According to my husband, she claims that I don’t “understand” her aversion to certain tastes and textures, and that she isn’t doing this to be intentionally rude to anybody.
What should I do?
— Frustrated About Food
Dear Frustrated About Food,
I am not a doctor, but your description of your daughter’s food issues immediately made me think of ARFID, or Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder, a fairly new diagnosis that is often mistaken for “picky eating.” I wonder if you might want to take Ava to a behavioral pediatrician, nutritionist, dietitian, or food therapist who specializes in eating disorders, so that they can test your daughter for this condition. To seek out local resources, try contacting the helpline for the National Eating Disorders Association or any local eating disorder clinic.
I asked my friend Wayne Scott, who is a psychotherapist as well as the father of a son with ARFID, about parenting a child with this disorder and he added, “Many parents attribute these food particularities to temperament and personality, which leads to needless power struggles—and so much yelling!—when something is in fact an organic disorder.” For foreign travel, which he says can be very difficult, Wayne suggests loading up a suitcase with enough of your daughter’s “safe foods” to last your trip as a backup. For them, doing so actually decreased their son’s anxiety, and he was willing to try more things as a result.
Whether or not your daughter has a disorder, given that she’s struggled with her food sensitivities her whole life, I think it’s best to believe her when she says it’s not something she can help. Things like travel, social occasions, and holidays can be extremely stressful for kids with any kind of eating issues, since they often revolve around food and they may feel pressured or shamed into participating. If family members inquire, I’d just say explain her eating habits are nothing personal and shut it down as a continued topic of discussion. As long as she’s not underweight and she’s getting the nutrients she needs, her eating, while perhaps inconvenient, really isn’t hurting anyone.
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a strange problem with my teenage daughter. This may sound gross, but for years now, she has had this bad habit of picking at the skin around her fingernails. She started doing this when she was around four years old and over a decade later she still hasn’t stopped. As a result, her fingers have horrible-looking cuts on them that are often bleeding. When she was younger, her father and I would try to scare her by telling her no one would want to be her friend if her fingers looked like that or how open wounds could lead to serious infections but nothing has stopped her. She claims that picking at her fingers makes her “feel better,” which is such a crazy thing to say. It makes me so angry that she keeps making excuses. Our daughter claims that she has been trying to stop, but she has been saying that for years and there have been no changes. If she can’t even stop this simple bad habit, how will she do more difficult things in life in the future? What should we do about our daughter’s problem?
— At My Wit’s End
Dear At My Wit’s End,
Rather than getting angry about your daughter’s “bad habit,” consider the fact that it may have an underlying psychological cause. Behaviors like skin-picking, hair-pulling, cheek-biting, etc., when taken to the extreme, are called body-focused repetitive behaviors (BFRBs) and may be related to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Feeling a sense of pleasure or relief after picking is absolutely normal for people struggling with this issue, not “crazy.” I suggest you first educate yourself on these behaviors—you can find more information from the TLC Foundation for BFRBs and the International OCD Foundation. Then I suggest using one of their resource directories to find her a therapist, before finding yourself one to also help you to understand mental health issues, cope with your daughter’s problem, and figure out how to be a source of support to her, which she so desperately needs.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/04/when-in-laws-cross-boundaries-parenting-advice-from-care-and-feeding.html
no subject
But the thing is, I'm the adult. They're the child. Ideally at least I will try to figure out why my kid feels that way and try to help them feel better about the upcoming trip, since I can't leave them and I don't want to cancel. Yelling their head off won't help us get there. I can always go, later, and rant to my partner/friend/diary about what the hell is going on with this kid, as long as I don't give my actual vulnerable child a tongue lashing.
no subject