conuly: (Default)
conuly ([personal profile] conuly) wrote in [community profile] agonyaunt2023-04-03 03:14 am

Oh, Harriette!

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just hosted a big party for my son for his birthday. He received lovely gifts, and the next day I suggested that we sit down and write his thank-you notes so that we would get that finished right away. He looked at me like I was crazy and said he told his friends thank you already -- he doesn't need to do anything else. I know I taught him better than this. My son is now 14 years old. What can I do to get him to fulfill this very basic courtesy? He has already moved on. Meanwhile, there's a stack of gifts that have not been put away or acknowledged. -- Bad Manners

DEAR BAD MANNERS: Tell your son that if he doesn't fulfill his responsibilities, he will suffer consequences. Then you have to figure out what they might be. Perhaps you threaten to return all of the gifts. If he cannot show gratitude, he doesn't deserve to have them. You have to be willing to send them all back, though, if you go that route. You can take away his cellphone or his video games -- whatever he values of his possessions -- until he completes the task. You can ground him at home with no visits from friends. If you make his life miserable enough, he may come around. Just be sure to keep it top of mind that following up is a good thing and should not require punishment to be completed.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/senseandsensitivity/s-2800045

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DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband considers himself to be health conscious. He watches YouTube shows endlessly about alternative medicine and health regimens. On the flip side, he does not believe in going to the doctor. He thinks that high blood pressure is a myth made up by the pharmaceutical industry to push drugs on healthy people. He refuses to believe that any of the recommendations by traditional health care officials about how to care for the body are worth considering because they are all fueled by "big pharma."

Meanwhile, I have a series of health issues that require me to take certain medications. Whenever he notices that I am taking medicine, he criticizes me and says that I am blindly buying into "the system."

How do I navigate this? I feel like I'm constantly being judged for how I take care of myself, while I'm also worried that my husband may drop dead from a stroke because he won't address his high blood pressure. -- Lost in Space


DEAR LOST IN SPACE: Take a deep breath and review your situation. Rather than believing that your husband is all wrong, figure out if anything he's saying makes sense. For example, lifestyle changes -- including diet and exercise -- can be more effective in promoting long-term good health than medication (for some people). That doesn't mean you should stop taking your medicine. It does mean you could consider adding a healthy activity to your schedule that you invite your husband to participate in. Look for bridges that can bring you two together and make you both healthier.

Do not stop taking your medication no matter what he says. Follow your doctor's guidance. You can also ask your doctor about alternative means of addressing your concerns. Similarly, go on YouTube yourself and find some videos on dealing with high blood pressure. Recommend that your husband watch those. Perhaps it will open his eyes a bit.
ashbet: (Default)

[personal profile] ashbet 2023-04-03 08:01 am (UTC)(link)
^^^All of this!!!
purlewe: (Default)

[personal profile] purlewe 2023-04-03 01:42 pm (UTC)(link)
I like this advice WAY more than what was given.

The only thing I would add to the first letter: if there were gifts given to him by people other than teenagers.. then yes write thank yous. Like to his grandparents or aunts and uncles. Kids his own age or younger probably won't care, but his parent's generation and above do.
cereta: Me as drawn by my FIL (Default)

[personal profile] cereta 2023-04-03 06:14 pm (UTC)(link)
Same. I have a 15-year-old, and am on the older end for having a child that age, and I've never expected thank you notes for anything but weddings and showers. Then again, my mother never taught us to write notes for gifts given (and thanked for) in person, so maybe I'm just weird.
castiron: cartoony sketch of owl (Default)

[personal profile] castiron 2023-04-04 04:07 am (UTC)(link)
Similar ages here, and I wouldn't expect a note if I were thanked in person (or indeed if I were thanked by phone/email/text/other message).
minoanmiss: A detail of the Ladies in Blue fresco (Default)

[personal profile] minoanmiss 2023-04-05 01:50 am (UTC)(link)
HOW IS SHE FIFTEEN YOU LIE SHE'S STILL A TODDLER DRESSED AS BATGIRL OMG.

*ahem*
melannen: Commander Valentine of Alpha Squad Seven, a red-haired female Nick Fury in space, smoking contemplatively (Default)

[personal profile] melannen 2023-04-03 10:17 pm (UTC)(link)
My mother was probably in his grandparents' generation (or great-grandparents'), and I was taught you send a thank-you note to anyone you won't have a chance to thank any other way; not only is it polite acknowledgement and confirming the social connection, it lets the person know the gift was in fact received, which is helpful for their own records (especially if it was, say, sent in the mail.)

This would also apply to something like wedding gifts or funeral remembrances, where the presents may be given in person but aren't generally opened/acknowledged at the event, so you still need to give everyone a personalized thank-you if only as a receipt that the gift made it to where it was supposed to go.

If the gift is opened in front of the giver and they are thanked at that time, no other thanks are needed. If the person is otherwise thanked in person within a few days of the gift being opened, ditto.

Also, in the present day, email, text, social media, or phone call thank-yous are equally appropriate if the thanks cannot be conveyed in person in a reasonable length of time. In some cases, they may be more appropriate, depending on your relationship with the person, the state of the mail service, and the gift itself - i.e., if someone mail-ordered me a very expensive for my birthday, I would call, text, or email thanks immediately to confirm receipt as soon as I could rather than risk a thank-you note taking weeks to get there, and if I'm talking to someone on the phone every day anyway, thanks in the course of the ordinary phone call is more appropriate than waiting to send a letter.

I currently only send thank-you notes to an old family friend who sends me a birthday card with a check every year and we basically never talk otherwise; everyone else either gets thanked in person or electronically.

That said: it's always valid to send a fancy written thank you note to friends or family if you are feeling fancy (you don't even have to wait for a gift, you can just thank you for being you!) and it's OK to ask small children to write them when you wouldn't for older children just as a way to teach them about writing letters and thanking people. This stops applying by at least age 10 though.
castiron: cartoony sketch of owl (Default)

[personal profile] castiron 2023-04-04 02:25 pm (UTC)(link)
The second is that once you've escalated to this point, you have nowhere left to go. What if you take away all his stuff, and he still won't write the notes?

Spouse and Youngest once locked horns over a five-minute task Spouse wanted Youngest to do and Youngest really didn't want to, and Spouse finally said "Either you do this or you don't get to play Minecraft for two weeks." Youngest paused to think about it and then said, "I'd rather give up Minecraft for two weeks." And did (though grumbled about it over the following days).

Granted, the next time Spouse asked Youngest to do said task, Youngest did it, but still.
oursin: Hedgehog saying boggled hedgehog is boggled (Boggled hedgehog)

[personal profile] oursin 2023-04-03 09:09 am (UTC)(link)
I am trying to envisage social circles in which writing thank-you notes for birthday/other occasion presents, except to aged relatives, is still A Thing, especially by a 14-year-old. Break out the monogrammed notepaper (is that the U term, I can't remember?) and the fountain pen, and maybe the sealing wax? Jeez.

I am an Old, and probably in a different culture, but honestly, I think a group text/email 'Thanks everyone for lovely prezzies!!!!' in this case would probably be seen as OTT.

As for the husband, I would feed him substances known to be conducive to high blood pressure and expose him to experiences ditto, and no jury would convict.
redbird: closeup of me drinking tea, in a friend's kitchen (Default)

[personal profile] redbird 2023-04-03 12:57 pm (UTC)(link)
The thank-you note is for the friend or relative who sent you a gift and who you didn't thank in person when you got it. Depending on LW's family, it might make sense to tell the 14-year-old that it would make grandma happy if they sent a thank-you note, especially if they wrote a card rather than texting. Or, conversely, that if you don't send a thank-you for the thing you liked, your uncle may ignore your next birthday. That's the natural consequence: if people think you don't appreciate their gifts, they may stop sending them.
summerstorm: (Default)

[personal profile] summerstorm 2023-04-03 02:27 pm (UTC)(link)
I've never written a thank-you note in my life, which is probably a cultural thing, but it seems so unnecessary and potentially destructive for a 14yo to thank his friends that elaborately. But yeah, for people you couldn't thank in person or on the phone - it's not a bad idea. Still think it makes more sense to call or text but different strokes and all that.
lethe1: (js: shifty)

[personal profile] lethe1 2023-04-03 03:50 pm (UTC)(link)
it seems so unnecessary and potentially destructive for a 14yo to thank his friends that elaborately.

Yes, that was the first thing I thought as well.
jadelennox: Senora Sabasa Garcia, by Goya (Default)

[personal profile] jadelennox 2023-04-03 06:16 pm (UTC)(link)

I think of thank you notes as a requirement for gifts for a formal wedding, or for formal b'nai mitzvot, and I assume there are cultural equivalents to bar and bat mitzvah (quinceaƱera, debutante ball, etc). Basically, if you sent paper invitations that were specially printed and had a little piece of protective paper in the envelope, then there should be thank you notes.

Also if your elderly relatives who live far away buy you something big, like a bike or a playstation, I guess.

oursin: Brush the Wandering Hedgehog by the fire (Default)

[personal profile] oursin 2023-04-03 02:55 pm (UTC)(link)
In this case it sounds like it was presents he explicitly received in person at a party and said thanks for on the spot. Sending written notes suggests Mom has been reading A Very Old Etiquette Manual.
librarygeek: cute cartoon fox with nose in book (Default)

[personal profile] librarygeek 2023-04-03 01:13 pm (UTC)(link)
My teen did break out the monogrammed notepaper, fountain pen, and sealing wax but *only* for their B'nai Mitzvah and the relatives parent age and older🧐... Friends got thanked in person or text. šŸ˜‚

Now they're in college courses with a history major!
summerstorm: (Default)

[personal profile] summerstorm 2023-04-03 02:23 pm (UTC)(link)
Wow, this is AWFUL advice. On both letters. Yes, give your son's classmates ammo for bullying him. Sure, validate your husband's disdain for medicine and on-going campaign to make you sick or dead from your health issues. That'll go great for both of you!

Is she always this terrible? (I've never heard of a few of the advice columnists you guys post on this comm and this is one of them.)
minoanmiss: Detail of a modern statue of a Minoan goddess holding up double axes in each hand. (Labrys)

[personal profile] minoanmiss 2023-04-03 02:36 pm (UTC)(link)
She's ppretty much always this terrible, yeah.
cereta: Me as drawn by my FIL (Default)

[personal profile] cereta 2023-04-03 06:56 pm (UTC)(link)
She's only saved from being the very worst by Annie's tendency to tell people to make nice with their abusers.
torachan: (Default)

[personal profile] torachan 2023-04-03 06:47 pm (UTC)(link)
The mom in the first letter must be around my age, possibly even younger, and it's so bizarre to me to imagine a person in their 40s with that attitude.
joyeuce: (Default)

[personal profile] joyeuce 2023-04-04 12:28 am (UTC)(link)
Same. I get the 10 year old to write thank you notes to people she hasn't seen or phoned, which these days is limited to her great-aunt and -uncle and her godparents, and now she has email I will suggest that for the godparents. But it does help that she likes writing!
torachan: (Default)

[personal profile] torachan 2023-04-04 12:41 am (UTC)(link)
Yeah, I've always thought of thank you notes as either something really formal or for people who aren't local. I never wrote any as a kid because my family was all here and we exchanged gifts in person. First time I ever did was for my wedding. But neither my mom or grandparents or great grandparents sent or expected thank you notes for gifts exchanged in person.
cereta: Me as drawn by my FIL (Default)

[personal profile] cereta 2023-04-03 06:57 pm (UTC)(link)
If you make his life miserable enough, he may come around.

Wow, that's not at all horrifying.
green_grrl: (Default)

[personal profile] green_grrl 2023-04-04 12:29 am (UTC)(link)
Was this an April Fools column? I just can’t imagine…
lilysea: Serious (Default)

[personal profile] lilysea 2023-04-04 01:34 am (UTC)(link)
I can see a case for a teenage boy writing thank you notes for gifts to
- his grandparents
- his aunts/uncles
- adults in similar roles

but writing thank you notes to other teenage boys is ridiculous, it's not expected and it will get him mocked/teased
harpers_child: melaka fray reading from "Tales of the Slayers". (Default)

[personal profile] harpers_child 2023-04-05 06:07 pm (UTC)(link)
1. I sat down and thought of all the times I got thank you cards in the last decade. Weddings, sweet sixteen / quinceaƱera and similar events, graduation presents (high school, college), and my cousin who lives five states away gets their kids to write a note to let me know what the kids used the giftcards at xmas for and is obviously a Teaching Moment. In most of these situations I'm an Older Adult. It would be weird to get a thank you card for a random birthday where I'd been thanked in person.

2. LW needs to get out before husband starts sabotaging their meds.