Oh, Harriette!
DEAR HARRIETTE: I just hosted a big party for my son for his birthday. He received lovely gifts, and the next day I suggested that we sit down and write his thank-you notes so that we would get that finished right away. He looked at me like I was crazy and said he told his friends thank you already -- he doesn't need to do anything else. I know I taught him better than this. My son is now 14 years old. What can I do to get him to fulfill this very basic courtesy? He has already moved on. Meanwhile, there's a stack of gifts that have not been put away or acknowledged. -- Bad Manners
DEAR BAD MANNERS: Tell your son that if he doesn't fulfill his responsibilities, he will suffer consequences. Then you have to figure out what they might be. Perhaps you threaten to return all of the gifts. If he cannot show gratitude, he doesn't deserve to have them. You have to be willing to send them all back, though, if you go that route. You can take away his cellphone or his video games -- whatever he values of his possessions -- until he completes the task. You can ground him at home with no visits from friends. If you make his life miserable enough, he may come around. Just be sure to keep it top of mind that following up is a good thing and should not require punishment to be completed.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/senseandsensitivity/s-2800045
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DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband considers himself to be health conscious. He watches YouTube shows endlessly about alternative medicine and health regimens. On the flip side, he does not believe in going to the doctor. He thinks that high blood pressure is a myth made up by the pharmaceutical industry to push drugs on healthy people. He refuses to believe that any of the recommendations by traditional health care officials about how to care for the body are worth considering because they are all fueled by "big pharma."
Meanwhile, I have a series of health issues that require me to take certain medications. Whenever he notices that I am taking medicine, he criticizes me and says that I am blindly buying into "the system."
How do I navigate this? I feel like I'm constantly being judged for how I take care of myself, while I'm also worried that my husband may drop dead from a stroke because he won't address his high blood pressure. -- Lost in Space
DEAR LOST IN SPACE: Take a deep breath and review your situation. Rather than believing that your husband is all wrong, figure out if anything he's saying makes sense. For example, lifestyle changes -- including diet and exercise -- can be more effective in promoting long-term good health than medication (for some people). That doesn't mean you should stop taking your medicine. It does mean you could consider adding a healthy activity to your schedule that you invite your husband to participate in. Look for bridges that can bring you two together and make you both healthier.
Do not stop taking your medication no matter what he says. Follow your doctor's guidance. You can also ask your doctor about alternative means of addressing your concerns. Similarly, go on YouTube yourself and find some videos on dealing with high blood pressure. Recommend that your husband watch those. Perhaps it will open his eyes a bit.
DEAR BAD MANNERS: Tell your son that if he doesn't fulfill his responsibilities, he will suffer consequences. Then you have to figure out what they might be. Perhaps you threaten to return all of the gifts. If he cannot show gratitude, he doesn't deserve to have them. You have to be willing to send them all back, though, if you go that route. You can take away his cellphone or his video games -- whatever he values of his possessions -- until he completes the task. You can ground him at home with no visits from friends. If you make his life miserable enough, he may come around. Just be sure to keep it top of mind that following up is a good thing and should not require punishment to be completed.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/senseandsensitivity/s-2800045
DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband considers himself to be health conscious. He watches YouTube shows endlessly about alternative medicine and health regimens. On the flip side, he does not believe in going to the doctor. He thinks that high blood pressure is a myth made up by the pharmaceutical industry to push drugs on healthy people. He refuses to believe that any of the recommendations by traditional health care officials about how to care for the body are worth considering because they are all fueled by "big pharma."
Meanwhile, I have a series of health issues that require me to take certain medications. Whenever he notices that I am taking medicine, he criticizes me and says that I am blindly buying into "the system."
How do I navigate this? I feel like I'm constantly being judged for how I take care of myself, while I'm also worried that my husband may drop dead from a stroke because he won't address his high blood pressure. -- Lost in Space
DEAR LOST IN SPACE: Take a deep breath and review your situation. Rather than believing that your husband is all wrong, figure out if anything he's saying makes sense. For example, lifestyle changes -- including diet and exercise -- can be more effective in promoting long-term good health than medication (for some people). That doesn't mean you should stop taking your medicine. It does mean you could consider adding a healthy activity to your schedule that you invite your husband to participate in. Look for bridges that can bring you two together and make you both healthier.
Do not stop taking your medication no matter what he says. Follow your doctor's guidance. You can also ask your doctor about alternative means of addressing your concerns. Similarly, go on YouTube yourself and find some videos on dealing with high blood pressure. Recommend that your husband watch those. Perhaps it will open his eyes a bit.
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This is a teenage boy, he got presents from other teenagers at his birthday party and he thanked them in person. He's correct, LW is wrong - no other thank you is necessary. It'd be weird in a socially awkward way to send them thank you notes.
It's not like those friends got him a house or a car or something like that.
Additionally, even if LW was right that this is a thank you note situation, Harriette's advice is way over the top.
"If you make his life miserable enough, he may come around."
This is bad parenting, for two different reasons.
The first is that it's confusing teaching with punishment.
The second is that once you've escalated to this point, you have nowhere left to go. What if you take away all his stuff, and he still won't write the notes? This kid is fourteen. LW's ability to control his behavior has a definite time limit, and it won't do to throw their remaining authority away on petty power plays.
2. JFC, did she even read this letter? LW's problem is not that Hubby needs more education on health issues, it's that he demeans and belittles his spouse for taking medicine.
His mind won't be changed by more education, because that's never actually the cure for people like this. We all think it ought to be the cure, but it's not. So LW has no hope of making him get a health checkup for himself using conventional medicine. That's off the table. However, what *is* on the table is setting a rule - either he stops harassing LW, or the marriage is over. Because life is too short to put up with that bullshit.
(I may advise divorce too quickly. I don't think I'm doing it in this case.)
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The only thing I would add to the first letter: if there were gifts given to him by people other than teenagers.. then yes write thank yous. Like to his grandparents or aunts and uncles. Kids his own age or younger probably won't care, but his parent's generation and above do.
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Do they? I must be in his parents' generation, I would certainly think it strange to receive a thank you note for a birthday gift if I was already thanked in some other way such as in person or over the phone. My mother must be in his grandparents' generation, and she certainly never expected thank you notes if she was thanked in person either.
I'd very much be interested in knowing what the parents of all these friends at the birthday party think, and LW's adult family members. LW should ask them.
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*ahem*
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This would also apply to something like wedding gifts or funeral remembrances, where the presents may be given in person but aren't generally opened/acknowledged at the event, so you still need to give everyone a personalized thank-you if only as a receipt that the gift made it to where it was supposed to go.
If the gift is opened in front of the giver and they are thanked at that time, no other thanks are needed. If the person is otherwise thanked in person within a few days of the gift being opened, ditto.
Also, in the present day, email, text, social media, or phone call thank-yous are equally appropriate if the thanks cannot be conveyed in person in a reasonable length of time. In some cases, they may be more appropriate, depending on your relationship with the person, the state of the mail service, and the gift itself - i.e., if someone mail-ordered me a very expensive for my birthday, I would call, text, or email thanks immediately to confirm receipt as soon as I could rather than risk a thank-you note taking weeks to get there, and if I'm talking to someone on the phone every day anyway, thanks in the course of the ordinary phone call is more appropriate than waiting to send a letter.
I currently only send thank-you notes to an old family friend who sends me a birthday card with a check every year and we basically never talk otherwise; everyone else either gets thanked in person or electronically.
That said: it's always valid to send a fancy written thank you note to friends or family if you are feeling fancy (you don't even have to wait for a gift, you can just thank you for being you!) and it's OK to ask small children to write them when you wouldn't for older children just as a way to teach them about writing letters and thanking people. This stops applying by at least age 10 though.
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A book or a gift card won't do it, it's gotta be, like, a house, or a car, or an organ.
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Spouse and Youngest once locked horns over a five-minute task Spouse wanted Youngest to do and Youngest really didn't want to, and Spouse finally said "Either you do this or you don't get to play Minecraft for two weeks." Youngest paused to think about it and then said, "I'd rather give up Minecraft for two weeks." And did (though grumbled about it over the following days).
Granted, the next time Spouse asked Youngest to do said task, Youngest did it, but still.
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I am an Old, and probably in a different culture, but honestly, I think a group text/email 'Thanks everyone for lovely prezzies!!!!' in this case would probably be seen as OTT.
As for the husband, I would feed him substances known to be conducive to high blood pressure and expose him to experiences ditto, and no jury would convict.
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Yes, that was the first thing I thought as well.
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I think of thank you notes as a requirement for gifts for a formal wedding, or for formal b'nai mitzvot, and I assume there are cultural equivalents to bar and bat mitzvah (quinceaƱera, debutante ball, etc). Basically, if you sent paper invitations that were specially printed and had a little piece of protective paper in the envelope, then there should be thank you notes.
Also if your elderly relatives who live far away buy you something big, like a bike or a playstation, I guess.
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Now they're in college courses with a history major!
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Is she always this terrible? (I've never heard of a few of the advice columnists you guys post on this comm and this is one of them.)
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https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2801436
She does, at least, refer him to the domestic violence hotline... but only after telling him to do marriage counseling. Because, you know, when one person is hitting the other, that's exactly when they should do therapy together.
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Wow, that's not at all horrifying.
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- his grandparents
- his aunts/uncles
- adults in similar roles
but writing thank you notes to other teenage boys is ridiculous, it's not expected and it will get him mocked/teased
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But it's still too much.
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2. LW needs to get out before husband starts sabotaging their meds.