Dear Abby: Husband Wants to Move, Wife Does Not

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I'm 57 and have been married for 25 years. My husband has retired and is ready for me to do the same. I enjoy my work, and I am delaying my retirement because he wants to move to another state.

Abby, all I can think about is how I will be forced to start all over with a new church, new doctors, new friends, etc. That's incredibly stressful for me, and I don't want to do it. It takes me a while to warm up to people, and I don't do it easily. To me, it would not be an exciting adventure.

I have told him I don't want to do this and why. He responds that if I want to visit my friends I can always "hop on a plane." He said he's tired of the cold and wants to move. All I can think about is having to sell our home, buy another one, learn a new area, make friends, find a new church. I have all of that here. Maybe he should be a snowbird? -- DON'T WANT TO START ANEW

DEAR DON'T WANT: If you and your husband can afford two places, perhaps you should both be snowbirds. It couldn't hurt to rent a place for a few months to see what life would be like in a new community. That's what I recommend to readers who contemplate making a drastic change -- such as relocation -- in their lives. If you do that, you might find that the "natives" are friendly and the community is congenial. However, if that's not the case, it could help you to avoid making a costly mistake.

Comments

[cereta]

So, this is really great advice if they can afford it (actually, I'm not sure it IS great advice if they can afford it, but one bug at a time), but what if they can't? What then?

[the_rck]

I'm also not convinced that not wanting to move is the letter writer's only reason not to want to retire. She says she enjoys her work, and she's 57. Retiring now decreases the amount of Social Security money she'll be entitled to later on.

[vass]

That's an important point. Especially given that she may be younger than him, and is statistically likely to live longer in any case.

[cereta]

Yeah, that's the whole host of other issues. There's her age, her interest in her job, possibly her desire to stay intellectually and socially active (my mother is nearing 80, and stays at her job in part to keep her brain active), and hey: maybe she doesn't want to spend 24/7 with her husband. Lord knows "Dear Abby" is littered with letters by recent retirees/their spouses who struggle with that much together time. You can love someone dearly and still not want to spend every minute with them.

[vass]

My husband has retired and is ready for me to do the same.

*wince* Yeah, that doesn't sound good. I sense a power struggle here beyond where they want to live.

[sathari]

...okay, I'm just having brainscreech at the husband's blithe "hop on a plane". I mean, the rest of the letter is made of wrong, but that just tops it off. Because, you know, LW probably can't just "hop on a plane" to go to church or doctor(s). Not to mention that selling a house and moving is no joke--- and, frankly, (source: my parents and their siblings/friends are around LW's age and I've watched the process) having doctors who know not just their "official/recorded" health history but them personally is a damn good thing at their ages as far as said doctors catching assorted health problems and knowing what to recommend for them, and it sounds like LW does have a solid relationship with one or more health care providers (because LW names that as a reason for not wanting to move). And, you know, if they can afford for LW to "hop on a plane" to visit friends all the time, then maybe husband should "hop on a plane" to somewhere warm(er) during some or all of the cold months.