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Dear Care and Feeding,
My nephew is 9 years old. He has cerebral palsy and suffers from limited mobility (he uses a wheelchair), vision impairment, cognitive impairment, and a seizure disorder. He has recently been matched with a service dog who is primarily needed to alert the family to seizures, but also provides him with support to be more independent. I am very glad that he has the dog to assist him.
The problem is that my wife and one of my children are allergic to dogs. We live a few hours away by plane and visit my parents twice a year (they come to visit us twice a year). When we visit, we stay with my parents. Unfortunately, my parents watch my nephew after school one day a week. This means that the dog is in the house at least once a week. Even with deep cleaning, that is likely to set off an allergic reaction in my family. My parents have suggested that we begin staying in a hotel. My kids are very disappointed because they love Grandma and Grandpa’s house—they love the candy drawer and my dad’s woodworking shop and sleeping in a tent in the basement with all my old toys. My wife and I don’t want them to lose that experience. We’ve asked if my parents could watch my nephew at my sister’s house, but they said the commute is too far (his special needs school is near my parents’ home, but about an hour from my sister’s home). We asked if the dog could stay home on the day my parents babysit, but that was shot down, too. I’m not sure how to proceed from here. They do not seem willing to compromise, and I don’t want my kids to feel less important than their cousin.
— What’s Fair?
Dear What’s Fair,
In a conversation many years ago, my younger child’s former special educator shared these words about school-based accommodations for disabled students, which I’ve never forgotten: “Everyone should get what they need. That doesn’t mean that everyone always gets the same thing.”
It was determined that your nephew should have a service dog to be as safe and independent as possible at home, in childcare settings, and at school. That is why he has been matched with one. The dog is not just a pet to which he’s grown attached; the dog is helping him get his real day-to-day safety and mobility needs met. Your sister is sending her child to a school an hour from their home because that is the educational environment he needs. Your parents are helping to meet still another need by providing childcare once a week, at a location that is conveniently near your nephew’s school. You get where I’m going with this by now; a need is different from a really-nice-to-have wish. If the service dog stays home on the day your parents watch your nephew, that means that your nephew won’t have the additional support at their house or all day at school. He and his educators and family won’t have the reassurance of knowing the dog will alert those around him if he might be about to seize. He shouldn’t have to go without his service dog one full day a week, year-round, thus compromising his independence and possibly his health, because you want to stay with your parents a couple of times a year. I understand that allergies are serious and renting a hotel or Airbnb is an added expense, but I don’t think it’s right to ask your family members to make a choice that ultimately makes your nephew less independent and less safe on a weekly basis for the sake of your (very occasional) convenience.
You are entitled to your feelings about this, and so are your kids. But you have a choice in how you handle this. If you keep pushing your parents and sister, focusing on how unfair you believe this arrangement to be, or allow your children to conclude that they are “less important” or being wronged, you’ll be encouraging your kids to resent their cousin, sowing discord in your family, making your nephew’s and sister’s and parents’ lives harder, and, I cannot stress this enough, really telling on yourself. On the other hand, you can accept the fact that your nephew has, as all people do, a right to the support and accommodations he needs in order to be safe and participate in his education and other activities to the fullest extent possible—which, in his case, includes having his service dog with him every day, not six days a week. You can allow your children to express any disappointment they may feel while also doing your best to help them see that this is one small but important step toward inclusion and independence for their cousin, something your entire family should want and support for him.
Hopefully, your kids can hear and internalize the truth that other people getting what they genuinely need is no slight to them. And if you really don’t understand this, I urge you to spend some time educating yourself so that you can be a better relative to your nephew and sister.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/03/summer-vacation-care-and-feeding.html
My nephew is 9 years old. He has cerebral palsy and suffers from limited mobility (he uses a wheelchair), vision impairment, cognitive impairment, and a seizure disorder. He has recently been matched with a service dog who is primarily needed to alert the family to seizures, but also provides him with support to be more independent. I am very glad that he has the dog to assist him.
The problem is that my wife and one of my children are allergic to dogs. We live a few hours away by plane and visit my parents twice a year (they come to visit us twice a year). When we visit, we stay with my parents. Unfortunately, my parents watch my nephew after school one day a week. This means that the dog is in the house at least once a week. Even with deep cleaning, that is likely to set off an allergic reaction in my family. My parents have suggested that we begin staying in a hotel. My kids are very disappointed because they love Grandma and Grandpa’s house—they love the candy drawer and my dad’s woodworking shop and sleeping in a tent in the basement with all my old toys. My wife and I don’t want them to lose that experience. We’ve asked if my parents could watch my nephew at my sister’s house, but they said the commute is too far (his special needs school is near my parents’ home, but about an hour from my sister’s home). We asked if the dog could stay home on the day my parents babysit, but that was shot down, too. I’m not sure how to proceed from here. They do not seem willing to compromise, and I don’t want my kids to feel less important than their cousin.
— What’s Fair?
Dear What’s Fair,
In a conversation many years ago, my younger child’s former special educator shared these words about school-based accommodations for disabled students, which I’ve never forgotten: “Everyone should get what they need. That doesn’t mean that everyone always gets the same thing.”
It was determined that your nephew should have a service dog to be as safe and independent as possible at home, in childcare settings, and at school. That is why he has been matched with one. The dog is not just a pet to which he’s grown attached; the dog is helping him get his real day-to-day safety and mobility needs met. Your sister is sending her child to a school an hour from their home because that is the educational environment he needs. Your parents are helping to meet still another need by providing childcare once a week, at a location that is conveniently near your nephew’s school. You get where I’m going with this by now; a need is different from a really-nice-to-have wish. If the service dog stays home on the day your parents watch your nephew, that means that your nephew won’t have the additional support at their house or all day at school. He and his educators and family won’t have the reassurance of knowing the dog will alert those around him if he might be about to seize. He shouldn’t have to go without his service dog one full day a week, year-round, thus compromising his independence and possibly his health, because you want to stay with your parents a couple of times a year. I understand that allergies are serious and renting a hotel or Airbnb is an added expense, but I don’t think it’s right to ask your family members to make a choice that ultimately makes your nephew less independent and less safe on a weekly basis for the sake of your (very occasional) convenience.
You are entitled to your feelings about this, and so are your kids. But you have a choice in how you handle this. If you keep pushing your parents and sister, focusing on how unfair you believe this arrangement to be, or allow your children to conclude that they are “less important” or being wronged, you’ll be encouraging your kids to resent their cousin, sowing discord in your family, making your nephew’s and sister’s and parents’ lives harder, and, I cannot stress this enough, really telling on yourself. On the other hand, you can accept the fact that your nephew has, as all people do, a right to the support and accommodations he needs in order to be safe and participate in his education and other activities to the fullest extent possible—which, in his case, includes having his service dog with him every day, not six days a week. You can allow your children to express any disappointment they may feel while also doing your best to help them see that this is one small but important step toward inclusion and independence for their cousin, something your entire family should want and support for him.
Hopefully, your kids can hear and internalize the truth that other people getting what they genuinely need is no slight to them. And if you really don’t understand this, I urge you to spend some time educating yourself so that you can be a better relative to your nephew and sister.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/03/summer-vacation-care-and-feeding.html
no subject