agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Amy: I just lost my first pregnancy to miscarriage about a week ago. This was particularly difficult because my husband and I had been trying for a while and really wanted to be parents. In all my excitement, I had told everybody I was pregnant, so I then had to go back and let everybody know the bad news.

Everybody expressed their sympathy and asked me if there’s anything they could do. The honest answer was yes – all I really wanted was flowers so the house could feel beautiful and full of life during this time of sadness. I thought it sounded rude to ask, since I assumed at least a few of them would send flowers anyway. I thought it would take away from the generosity of the gift if I’d asked for them.

Well, here we are a week later, and my house has no flowers. I guess I just want to know if I should have asked for the flowers when people asked, “Is there anything I can do?” It feels even ruder to ask now, and to point out that I really did have silent expectations, and nobody met them.

Should I just go to the store and buy all my own flowers at this point? If this situation ever comes back around, should I just ask for the flowers next time?

– Looking for Grief Etiquette

Dear Looking: I’m so sorry you are experiencing this complicated loss.

It might help you to understand that some people have an extremely negative reaction to flowers after a loss, because the scent, followed by the inevitable wilting and deterioration, can be a powerful trigger for grief.

I’m writing a prescription for you to go out today and purchase a flowering potted plant – something appropriate for your area that you could then plant in the ground when the seasons change.

I hope you will also ask your friends and family members directly to send you flowers! It’s not too late. Giving them a specific task and a clear way to help will unite all of you.

One idea would be to ask your most reliable friend or family member to coordinate a delivery of one fresh bouquet each week for the next month or so – each from a different friend.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2789923?fs

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

LW, I am so sorry for your loss. But. We do not belong to a psychic species. When people asked if there was anything they could do, the answer was "yes please send me flowers," not "think really hard and divine my wishes"

Wish I could send he rflowers.

Yeah, I mean, I *personally* don't like flowers for grieving people, and unless I know already that somebody wants that I would never send them. I feel like they're just such a freaking hassle at a time when maybe they don't want a freaking hassle.

And lots of people... even if they intellectually know that LW is grieving, they might not see a miscarriage at ten weeks as a "flowers or fruit baskets" deal unless they're told. I'm not even sure everybody who has a miscarriage at that point, even of a wanted pregnancy, feels equally strongly about it. Not that I'd say that to somebody who is grieving, but on the other hand, I wouldn't want to overstep with flowers and gifts and send the message that somebody isn't grieving enough if they don't actually feel as strongly as I'm assuming. Does that make sense?

Total sense.

Several thoughts:

1. As always, I had to go back and edit the line breaks in the letter to something less choppy. I don't know if this is a columnist problem or an editor problem, but Ask Amy letters are always screwy that way.

2. While I'm not saying anybody should use grief as an excuse to be rude, it certainly is the case that most people will show a little grace towards people who are perhaps acting strangely right after a loss. When you're in mourning is no time to be worrying about the proper way to ask for flowers. It's okay to just... ask. Nobody will hold it against you. Worst case scenario, they'll assume you're out of your mind with grief rather than that you're a pushy and obnoxious person.

3. Though in general, I make it a policy that if somebody asks if I need help, using whatever wording, I tell them exactly how they can help me. This is partially out of spite - I don't like the idea of people getting the moral credit for asking if they don't actually help! - but also out of compassion. If my friend needed help, I would want them to tell me so I could help them. If a friend wants to help me, and I need the help, then I don't want to rob them of the chance to be a friend. I want to let them help me, and I want to make sure they know that I think it's okay to ask for help.

4. Tangentially, grieving people never seem to know how to answer "If there's anything I can do, let me know". I don't know if it's the fog of grief, or misplaced worries about good manners (misplaced, but understandable that people hyperfocus on things like that), or what, but ugh. I strongly advise anybody who is about to say "if there's anything I can do" to somebody else to think carefully about what you can do that might be helpful and directly offer to do that. "I'd like to bring over a few meals, is there anything you can't eat? What time is best?" or "I don't want to be pushy, but if it's too hard for you to pack up the baby things I can come over any Saturday to do it with you - or for you, if you prefer! I'll only put them in containers for storage, of course" is more useful than vague offers which might be insincere.

re: 4

I do something similar -- usually I think of a few things I could do that are on the same SCALE, and offer a couple, along with "or whatever?" -- because giving the person the idea that I am available for Cooking A Meal, or A Grocery Run, or Taking Them Out For Lunch, tells them what scale of things I'm likely to be up for, without them even really having to think about it. "LJV offered things that take like 2 hours, probably not the right person to ask for this complex ongoing organizational task unless we are very close or I am actually desperate" is something most people will take away from a list like that _without even thinking about it_. Not everyone, but usually I will know beforehand that someone can't make that inference so can use a different strategy if necessary.

Yes, and relatedly, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do” adds tasks to the grieving person’s agenda, which is sort of the opposite of what most people are aiming for if their offers to help are sincere. Offering something to which they can say yes or no is a lot easier on them than making them project managers of all their well-meaning friends at such times.

LW, if you frame it as something that you realized over the week, that you would like to be reminded of beauty and life while you recover, it may not occur to your dear ones that you knew you wanted this when they first asked. I would ask now, and perhaps your friends and family will know that you are a flowers person going forward.

This letter makes me realize that I have internalized a rule that flowers are something that you don't ask for, that someone has to think to give you. I wouldn't be surprised if the LW feels a little weird about asking. (I do not mean that there should be such a rule, you understand. Only that I think the "rule" might exist out there in the culture and might be affecting her feelings.)

I feel like there's been a culture shift in the past twenty-five years or so from "of course you send flowers! For everything!" to "only send flowers if you know for a fact they want flowers". A combo of just general shifts, the increasing cultural trope that you give flowers if you don't want to do anything better, and also I think a greater awareness of things like allergies and people who worry about their pets (I once looked for ages for a flowers-by-wire service that offered a cat-safe option - you'd think there'd be a market for that! - but nothing.) But it means I've gone to several funerals lately and been like "Where are all the flowers? This is the kind of person I'd expect to be covered in flowers and there's only like three arrangements!" and then remember that I, too, actually paid attention to the request to give to charity instead. (Thirty years ago I feel like you were just expected to disregard that request and get flowers anyway, but not anymore.)

Even the the 1980s, my Nanna (grandmother) was scathing about sending flowers to a funeral

she was very much "You should send them flowers while they are still alive, instead!"

What a really sad time to learn to use words out loud for LW. I'm mentally sending all the flowers.