agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married for five years, with two children. I have been putting my hands on her in such a bad way that she's saying we are no longer a family and she wants a divorce. I need my wife and children back. It hurts me to stay away.

I'm currently going to church and Sunday school and Bible study. I have been praying many hours these past few weeks, and it is helping me. I will do anything and everything I can to get my family back because I don't want to lose them. What can I do to get them back? -- LEARNING A LESSON IN NEVADA

DEAR LEARNING: A good first step would be for you to gain some insight about what triggers you to act out violently. Was physical abuse an example that was set by your parents? Does it happen because you have a substance abuse problem? A course in anger management could help you break this destructive pattern. Search online for a program near you. After that, if your wife sees you are making a sincere effort, she may trust you enough to risk reuniting. A warning, however: Do not pressure her. This will have to be HER decision.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2787439

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LW, I like to believe people can change.

However, I don't think that you *will* change until you start taking some responsibility not just for your actions but also your emotions. You seem to grasp that hitting your wife and kids is wrong, good job - but you still seem only to be trying to change because you want your wife to return to you, not because you want to be a good person.

And notice that word want. LW, you don't need them back. You're not going to die if your family never speaks to you again. You want them back. Saying you need them back is the exact same mistake as saying that your wife made you hit her. Take responsibility for your feelings.

Also, get some secular therapy. Not to knock church, but bible study is not enough, not for most people.

Especially as there are churches out there that I would be very dubious about providing appropriate counsel in this situation....

Yeah, though I was thinking not of churches but of so-called "Christian counsellors" who mostly are just uneducated, unaccredited people who don't even have what it takes to preach.

Whole man disposal? This one may argue with you as you take him away

You're not taking him away, as such. You're putting your hands on him un such a way that when he wakes up he's in a space shuttle headed very fast towards a very large, very hot object.

Perfect

Marriage needs the agreement of both parties, but divorce is frequently a unilateral decision. Good on the (ex)wife for moving on.

I notice that LW never says he's sorry for physically abusing his wife. He never says what he did was wrong. I hope his wife gets that divorce ASAP, and a protective order to boot, because if she comes back, there's about a snowball's chance in hell of LW not hitting her again.

Which is to say that

minoanmiss is right: Whole man disposal!

I actually had to check the phrase "putting my hands on her." I didn't realize it was a euphemism for hitting. (I got a lot of results like "My boyfriend puts his hands on me a lot but I don't think it's playful anymore ... Is this considered abuse?") I did know the expression "never laid a hand on," but not this format.

All the church and praying seems like the last thing in the world that's going to help him (especially as he doesn't seem to be talking to any actual people about what's going on - he's just trying to earn Performative Good Guy Credits).

I have been putting my hands on her in such a bad way that she's saying we are no longer a family and she wants a divorce.

That is such a bizarre phrasing for "I hit my wife" that in my mind there is no way that LW has even begun to come to terms with what he did. (I was honestly trying to figure out if this was some kind of sexual thing until I got to the answer.) He does not need to be near the woman he hurt until he gets this sorted in his head and can say directly what he did wrong, at a minimum.

It's apparently something people really do say, though. https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=put%20hands%20on
put hands on

To beat up. To rough someone up, either by boxing them or throwing them around. Using hands to deal with someone.
"Better chill, yo! Don't make me put hands on you, son!"
by Reggie June 25, 2004

I've heard it used that way, and I may be phrasing what I'm getting at badly, but to my ear the way he put it in the perfect form sounds really, really disconnected, not at all like the direct phrase as it's usually used. Then again, English is a beast. He may just be saying that he's been hitting her and that's kind of an ongoing thing, and this is the most direct way he can express that. IDK.