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New babies
1. DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My daughter-in-law gained a lot of weight during her pregnancy, and started dieting a few weeks after giving birth to my grandson, even though she is breastfeeding him.
I remember all sorts of things going around when I was her age and nursing my son, but it was more to do about not eating or drinking certain things if you did not want your baby to have those things in his or her system. Now, my daughter-in-law tells me she can go back to her pre-pregnancy diet plan to lose weight. She had been avoiding a lot of different kinds of even healthy foods, which seems like not the best idea to do while nursing.
Even though I understand her need to lose weight, I cannot help worry that it will not be good for my grandson. She tells me she runs everything by her doctor and the pediatrician, but it sounds strange to me. She has told me quite plainly that she knows what she is doing and that I should have some faith in her. But as a grandmother, do I not have a right to have a say in my grandchild’s wellbeing? --- CONCERNED GRANDMOTHER
DEAR CONCERNED GRANDMOTHER: It’s natural for you to be concerned about your grandchild. But you also have to take into consideration that his wellbeing is, or should be, of the greatest importance to his parents and their primary job.
You mentioned that your daughter-in-law has consulted with her and her baby’s doctors regarding her diet plan, and if they’ve given it a green light, then you ought to feel more assured that what your daughter-in-law is doing won’t threaten your grandson’s health and normal development.
https://www.uexpress.com/life/ask-someone-elses-mom/2023/02/24
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2. Dear Care and Feeding,
My son recently received an award at work, which was presented at a dinner. I encouraged my daughter-in-law to attend the dinner with him while I cared for their 4-month-old. Since he’s started to do better with bottles (he’s breastfed and previously had been refusing bottles), she agreed (if nervously—and I did have to make the offer multiple times). The night of the dinner, she seemed hesitant about leaving and told me to text her if he was refusing a bottle, reminding me that she could be home in 20 minutes if needed. I assured her we’d be fine and sent them on their way. The baby fought a bit and ended up having only half of his first bottle. I figured if he was hungry and didn’t have his mother around as an option, he’d do better with the second one later. But he didn’t want that one either. He gagged and spit up. By that time, though, my son and DIL were going to be home in an hour anyway, so I just held him while he cried and did my best to comfort him.
When they got home, they were apologetic that he hadn’t gone to sleep the way he usually does by that time, and I said he was probably a little hungry because he had only had half of his first bottle and hadn’t taken the second. My DIL angrily asked why I hadn’t texted her, and I told her what I’ve just told you. She took the baby and left the room to feed him. My son went in with her and came out a few minutes later and told me I should go home. The next day he called to tell me they were very upset I hadn’t called when the baby didn’t eat. I told him I just wanted them to have a couple of hours out of the house and obviously the baby hadn’t been THAT hungry if he kept refusing bottles.
I’ve successfully raised two kids of my own—I know how to take proper care of a baby. But my son said that for now they’d like some space, and he’d like me to apologize to my DIL when we do get together. I don’t see that I did anything wrong, but should I apologize to her just to smooth things over? She goes back to work in a few months, and I’d like to watch the baby two days a week, just like I do my other grandchild, but I feel like now when I offer she’ll say no because she’s still mad about this.
—Nana Knows Best
Dear NKB,
No, I’m sorry. You do not know best—not when it comes to someone else’s child. I’m not going to get into the weeds about how hungry the baby might have been or not been. That’s not the point. The point is that this wasn’t your call to make. The baby’s mother was anxious about leaving him for an evening. Indeed, she was ambivalent, at best, about going in the first place. (Again, I’m not going to weigh in on this, because it’s nobody’s business but her own. Some new parents have no trouble leaving their infants with a grandparent or other trusted sitter; some hate to leave them, no matter who is available to care for them.) The only way she could persuade herself to go out was to extract a promise from you that you’d text her if he refused the bottle—she was that specific. And you didn’t do that. You absolutely do owe her an apology, and it had better be a heartfelt one. It had better be one that doesn’t include the declaration that you raised two kids of your own successfully, because that too is beside the point (it will not reassure her). If you want to be the one who cares for that child two days a week when his mother goes back to work, you’ll have to be able to convince her that you’ll handle things the way she wants them handled, not the way you think is best. And you’ll have to actually mean it. Otherwise, I think, you can say goodbye to that plan.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/02/when-grandparents-dont-follow-instructions-parenting-advice.html
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3. In the words of my MIL, my husband “has never been good at being awake on his own.” Apparently from the time he was a small child he would wake someone else in the house up to essentially hang out with him if he couldn’t sleep for whatever variety of reasons. Early in our relationship, it was endearing that he wanted to talk to me, watch a movie with me, whatever when he couldn’t sleep. Now, 8 years in, I’d just like to sleep. I’ve had the discussion with him before that if he can’t sleep he’s welcome to get up and do whatever he pleases, but he instead wakes me to let me know he’s going to the living room, watches loud videos on his phone and/or flops around until I’m awake to talk to.
Our third (and final) 3 ½-month-old baby is exclusively breastfed, and for the past 2 weeks has been waking up every 1.5-2 hours. I’m exhausted. Last night, I woke up after 1.5 hours of sleep to my husband poking me in the arm to talk about what we were going to make for dinner this week since he couldn’t sleep. I talked to him for a bit, since I figured the baby would be awake soon anyway, but the baby slept for 3 hours!
I’m so angry that I could’ve slept for 3 hours for the first time in weeks but instead was woken up by my husband for no reason. As I said, we’ve had this discussion before and it obviously hasn’t stuck. How do I drive this point home to him?
— Go Watch TV, Quietly!
Dear Go Watch TV, Quietly!,
It’s somewhat amusing to me that you are currently dealing with the erratic sleep schedule of your hungry baby, given that it seems your husband seems to be operating at the same developmental level of being unable to self-soothe when he wakes up at night.
When I was first getting sober in my 20s, I would be fine during the day but similarly really struggle to be alone with my thoughts and feelings late at night. Maybe something is going on with your husband emotionally that he has such a hard time sitting with himself when he wakes up at night, or maybe due to his childhood experiences he truly never learned the skill of putting himself back to sleep or at the very least quietly entertaining himself without disrupting your sleep. Self-soothing behaviors for adults might include things like listening to calming music, taking a warm bath, and meditation or focused breathing. Either way, I think it might be worth consulting a therapist to help him learn to tolerate being alone at these moments. I also think he should see his primary care physician to explore why the heck he is having so much trouble sleeping in the first place.
The alternate explanation (which I shudder to consider) is that your husband can tolerate being alone just fine and is simply being extremely insensitive by waking an underslept breastfeeding mother of three, including a newborn, just because he feels a little bored, in which case he should be sent directly to prison without a trial or at the very least divorced. Case adjourned.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/02/when-restless-spouses-prevent-good-sleep-parenting-advice.html
I remember all sorts of things going around when I was her age and nursing my son, but it was more to do about not eating or drinking certain things if you did not want your baby to have those things in his or her system. Now, my daughter-in-law tells me she can go back to her pre-pregnancy diet plan to lose weight. She had been avoiding a lot of different kinds of even healthy foods, which seems like not the best idea to do while nursing.
Even though I understand her need to lose weight, I cannot help worry that it will not be good for my grandson. She tells me she runs everything by her doctor and the pediatrician, but it sounds strange to me. She has told me quite plainly that she knows what she is doing and that I should have some faith in her. But as a grandmother, do I not have a right to have a say in my grandchild’s wellbeing? --- CONCERNED GRANDMOTHER
DEAR CONCERNED GRANDMOTHER: It’s natural for you to be concerned about your grandchild. But you also have to take into consideration that his wellbeing is, or should be, of the greatest importance to his parents and their primary job.
You mentioned that your daughter-in-law has consulted with her and her baby’s doctors regarding her diet plan, and if they’ve given it a green light, then you ought to feel more assured that what your daughter-in-law is doing won’t threaten your grandson’s health and normal development.
https://www.uexpress.com/life/ask-someone-elses-mom/2023/02/24
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
My son recently received an award at work, which was presented at a dinner. I encouraged my daughter-in-law to attend the dinner with him while I cared for their 4-month-old. Since he’s started to do better with bottles (he’s breastfed and previously had been refusing bottles), she agreed (if nervously—and I did have to make the offer multiple times). The night of the dinner, she seemed hesitant about leaving and told me to text her if he was refusing a bottle, reminding me that she could be home in 20 minutes if needed. I assured her we’d be fine and sent them on their way. The baby fought a bit and ended up having only half of his first bottle. I figured if he was hungry and didn’t have his mother around as an option, he’d do better with the second one later. But he didn’t want that one either. He gagged and spit up. By that time, though, my son and DIL were going to be home in an hour anyway, so I just held him while he cried and did my best to comfort him.
When they got home, they were apologetic that he hadn’t gone to sleep the way he usually does by that time, and I said he was probably a little hungry because he had only had half of his first bottle and hadn’t taken the second. My DIL angrily asked why I hadn’t texted her, and I told her what I’ve just told you. She took the baby and left the room to feed him. My son went in with her and came out a few minutes later and told me I should go home. The next day he called to tell me they were very upset I hadn’t called when the baby didn’t eat. I told him I just wanted them to have a couple of hours out of the house and obviously the baby hadn’t been THAT hungry if he kept refusing bottles.
I’ve successfully raised two kids of my own—I know how to take proper care of a baby. But my son said that for now they’d like some space, and he’d like me to apologize to my DIL when we do get together. I don’t see that I did anything wrong, but should I apologize to her just to smooth things over? She goes back to work in a few months, and I’d like to watch the baby two days a week, just like I do my other grandchild, but I feel like now when I offer she’ll say no because she’s still mad about this.
—Nana Knows Best
Dear NKB,
No, I’m sorry. You do not know best—not when it comes to someone else’s child. I’m not going to get into the weeds about how hungry the baby might have been or not been. That’s not the point. The point is that this wasn’t your call to make. The baby’s mother was anxious about leaving him for an evening. Indeed, she was ambivalent, at best, about going in the first place. (Again, I’m not going to weigh in on this, because it’s nobody’s business but her own. Some new parents have no trouble leaving their infants with a grandparent or other trusted sitter; some hate to leave them, no matter who is available to care for them.) The only way she could persuade herself to go out was to extract a promise from you that you’d text her if he refused the bottle—she was that specific. And you didn’t do that. You absolutely do owe her an apology, and it had better be a heartfelt one. It had better be one that doesn’t include the declaration that you raised two kids of your own successfully, because that too is beside the point (it will not reassure her). If you want to be the one who cares for that child two days a week when his mother goes back to work, you’ll have to be able to convince her that you’ll handle things the way she wants them handled, not the way you think is best. And you’ll have to actually mean it. Otherwise, I think, you can say goodbye to that plan.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/02/when-grandparents-dont-follow-instructions-parenting-advice.html
3. In the words of my MIL, my husband “has never been good at being awake on his own.” Apparently from the time he was a small child he would wake someone else in the house up to essentially hang out with him if he couldn’t sleep for whatever variety of reasons. Early in our relationship, it was endearing that he wanted to talk to me, watch a movie with me, whatever when he couldn’t sleep. Now, 8 years in, I’d just like to sleep. I’ve had the discussion with him before that if he can’t sleep he’s welcome to get up and do whatever he pleases, but he instead wakes me to let me know he’s going to the living room, watches loud videos on his phone and/or flops around until I’m awake to talk to.
Our third (and final) 3 ½-month-old baby is exclusively breastfed, and for the past 2 weeks has been waking up every 1.5-2 hours. I’m exhausted. Last night, I woke up after 1.5 hours of sleep to my husband poking me in the arm to talk about what we were going to make for dinner this week since he couldn’t sleep. I talked to him for a bit, since I figured the baby would be awake soon anyway, but the baby slept for 3 hours!
I’m so angry that I could’ve slept for 3 hours for the first time in weeks but instead was woken up by my husband for no reason. As I said, we’ve had this discussion before and it obviously hasn’t stuck. How do I drive this point home to him?
— Go Watch TV, Quietly!
Dear Go Watch TV, Quietly!,
It’s somewhat amusing to me that you are currently dealing with the erratic sleep schedule of your hungry baby, given that it seems your husband seems to be operating at the same developmental level of being unable to self-soothe when he wakes up at night.
When I was first getting sober in my 20s, I would be fine during the day but similarly really struggle to be alone with my thoughts and feelings late at night. Maybe something is going on with your husband emotionally that he has such a hard time sitting with himself when he wakes up at night, or maybe due to his childhood experiences he truly never learned the skill of putting himself back to sleep or at the very least quietly entertaining himself without disrupting your sleep. Self-soothing behaviors for adults might include things like listening to calming music, taking a warm bath, and meditation or focused breathing. Either way, I think it might be worth consulting a therapist to help him learn to tolerate being alone at these moments. I also think he should see his primary care physician to explore why the heck he is having so much trouble sleeping in the first place.
The alternate explanation (which I shudder to consider) is that your husband can tolerate being alone just fine and is simply being extremely insensitive by waking an underslept breastfeeding mother of three, including a newborn, just because he feels a little bored, in which case he should be sent directly to prison without a trial or at the very least divorced. Case adjourned.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/02/when-restless-spouses-prevent-good-sleep-parenting-advice.html
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2. Wow. Just, wow. LW2 and LW1 should get along well.
3. Change the locks.
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LW1 and LW2 fascinate me because (without having access to further information about LW1/LW2's health), my thoughts would be the same as theirs. But there's a difference between thinking "I wish you wouldn't diet while breastfeeding" and letting the words come out of your mouth (or ignoring a parent's non-abusive rules about their own kid). We're all allowed to be as judgey as we want in the silence of our hearts. (Also LW1 says she is talking to her doctor about her diet, which is (1) more info than she is required to give LW1, and (2) enough that it ought to override any judging.)
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I would also like to note that when people who continue their usual diet while breastfeeding drop a bunch of weight anyway (this happened to me), nobody says boo, even though all the same theoretical concerns apply (e.g., potentially deleterious stuff stored in one's body fat getting into the milk, the possibility that the weight loss will affect one's milk supply, etc.).
Anyway, nearly all my concern in that situation would be for the daughter-in-law's own physical and mental health, because it seems to me that right after you have a baby is exactly when you want to put fewer stresses on yourself in the way of super disciplined eating and so forth. But the vague term "diet" covers so many possible behaviors that we can't be sure she's doing any such thing, and, again, she gets to decide regardless, even if she's wrong.
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#3 is just... even when I get late night brainweasels, my solution involves tablet+earbuds, not waking other people up... let alone a sleep-deprived partner! I kind of wish I knew them so I could drag the husband to the doctor with OTT "concern" about him not being able to self-soothe...
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2. No.
3. Murder.
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I was really afraid she was going to say he was waking her up to suggest having sex, though.
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Still, ye gods, someone who woke me up to natter would not have survived one month with me, much less made it to marriage and kids!
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I woke my partner up in the night for a while when I was waking up in agonizing pain and couldn't bear to be alone while I shrieked, and I always put it off for as long as I could, and I apologized like nobody's business, because it's an awful thing to do to someone and I only did it because the situation was so extreme. And I think many people will briefly wake someone up if you've had a nightmare and want to just, know your partner is a live and the nightmare is over. The idea that you'd do it because you're kind of lonely and bored is inconceivable to me.
If you're bored in the night and need human contact then find a discord or something, bro. (Or therapy/doctors, because there might be something wrong, eg. night terrors.)
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Sometimes I read letters like #3 and I just boggle. My sweetie would never treat me like a free entertainment machine and all the more so if I were BREASTFEEDING.
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No. It was not. It was A Warning and you should have gone screaming into the night then. You were not then and are not now an emotional support blanket against whatever bogeymen he fears when he is awake on his own.
Maybe, if you don't want to proceed immediately to divorce, crush sleeping pills in his dinner/last drink of the evening?
I'm honestly surprised she's made it as far as baby 3 (or 4, counting him).
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The line in #2 that concerns me the most is "couldn't have been *that* hungry," which is setting off some Now We Bully Picky Eaters warning bells.
The husband in #3 needs to be fired into the sun.
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Plus this baby has a history of refusing bottles; sure he was getting better, but how much did this incident set that process back?? Especially the second.
I'm glad the son is at least sticking up for his wife and child.
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An adult that weighs 60 kilos losing 500 grams/half a kilo of weight due to a skipped meal is not the same as an infant that weighs 4-5 kilos losing 500 grams/half a kilo of weight. The adult has reserves and it's bigger, the baby doesn't.
So yes, one and a half meal skipped is something to take seriously, and the parents of LW2's grandchild didn't overreact.
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