My Daughter's Defiance Devastates Me

[conuly]

Dear Annie: My daughter, "Melanie," now 34, dated a boy when she was 15. It only lasted a few months. Melanie and I had a great relationship before they started dating. The boy's mother has kept her relationship with Melanie to this day. She always loved Melanie and constantly made remarks that her son was an idiot for ending the relationship. She'd say things like how she wanted a daughter just like mine.

The mother claims to be a devoted Jehovah's Witness. Their religion states they are not allowed to associate with non-Jehovah's. The mother has smoked pot and gotten tattoos, according to Melanie, and attended non-Jehovah's celebrations with and for my daughter. The mother even introduced my daughter as hers on many occasions, while I was standing right there!

She's gone against my wishes, allowing Melanie to go somewhere or buy something when I specifically said no before she turned 18. I know Melanie fully manipulated us to get what she wanted.

I spoke to the mother on several occasions, and she always said she wouldn't interfere, but she did and has. Other things she has done include getting my daughter a job in the same office as her, where she made a lot of money with no experience (more than any 17-year-old was making at the time), superseded all my rules as a parent, and went wedding dress shopping when Melanie became engaged to another man. The very worst was, she hid Melanie's whereabouts when she got angry at me and left the state in the middle of the night just after she turned 18. I had no idea where she was for nearly a year. I begged this woman to tell me where Melanie was, but she wouldn't.

I decided to talk to her Kingdom Hall based on advice from another Jehovah. I was so angry and fed up I had to do something to get this woman to go away. I have no idea what happened with her church. I sent a very nasty text to Melanie about this woman and how I really felt. She forwarded the text to her, and the mother tried to get a restraining order against me! The judge threw it out because I had absolutely no contact with her, which she admitted I didn't. I felt like Melanie threw me under the bus by showing her that message and stirred the pot even more by doing so.

This woman has been lying, deceitful, disrespectful and narcissistic toward me from day one. Yet, Melanie still maintains a relationship with her. Just recently, Melanie came from another state to attend a wedding of the mother's niece. This woman and I live in the same city. We were also going to celebrate Melanie's birthday. Melanie said she was going to stay with me but changed her mind because this woman told her she could use her car while she was there. Melanie got angry with me when I asked if the mother would be at her birthday dinner. Once again, Melanie has vowed not to speak to me. She says it's all my fault and I should just "get over it."

This woman has interfered with my relationship with my daughter for many years, always coming off as the victim. Am I wrong here? What woman in her late 60s maintains a relationship with a 34-year-old woman when she knows it causes this much stress on my daughter and me? Is my daughter that sadistic that she enjoys the drama between us? Is she so unaware of how distraught I am over this? Should I still be very angry and hurt by all of this? Are my feelings warranted? -- Lost My Daughter

Dear Lost My Daughter: It's completely valid to feel confused and hurt by this situation you don't understand. It may be hard to accept, but as your daughter is an adult, it's up to her what relationships she wants to pursue, and she's made it clear this is one she isn't abandoning any time soon. By continuing to dig in your heels, I'm afraid you'll only lose more of Melanie to this other woman.

Try to focus purely on your one-on-one relationship with Melanie. Let her and this woman have whatever dynamic they will continue to have without your involvement or knowledge. There's little you can do to change the bond between them, but you can try turning around the trajectory of your own relationship with Melanie. Show Melanie love and acceptance and ignore her "other mom" altogether, especially when you talk to Melanie.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2778992

Comments

[conuly]

I have no clue what the heck is even going on in this letter, but I really want an update from Melanie, and maybe one from this other mom as well. There is not enough popcorn in the world.

[redbird]

I have no idea either, but "yes, you're hurt and confused, but your daughter is an adult. If you want to have a relationship with her, show her love and acceptance and stop paying any attention to the woman you think of as your rival" is actually good advice.

[laurajv]

...yeah.

I have to say, I'm leaning strongly towards the side of Melanie and the other mother.

[watersword]

The holes in this narrative are so large you could pilot a billionaire's yacht through them.

[feast_of_regrets]

Huge applause for the perfect icon response to this entry!

[jadelennox]

she hid Melanie's whereabouts when she got angry at me and left the state in the middle of the night just after she turned 18. I had no idea where she was for nearly a year.

/me chinhands

Oh do do on, dear LW, I must hear the deets on this one.

[feast_of_regrets]

My daughter, "Melanie," now 34,

I mean, what the ever loving flip. I know people are blind to their own follies, but imagine having the gall to open with that detail and then continue on for seven paragraphs about something your child has been legally allowed to decide for herself for 16 years!

[conuly]

I know!

[movingfinger]

The Missing Reasons are strong with this one!

[conuly]

Starting with: what precipitated that fight when Melanie was 18?

[green_grrl]

Yeah, refer her to LW2 in the other post who hasn’t seen or heard from her son in years. This is her future if she keeps flying off the handle like this.

[ethelmay]

My best guess (though it's only that) is that Melanie's mom [I'm assuming "mom" though the letter doesn't actually say, unless I missed it] is a mess, Melanie latched onto boyfriend's mom who is maybe kind of a mess but nicer and more functional, Melanie is now married to someone completely different (sensible!) and lives elsewhere (very sensible!) with occasional visits to these people with whom she has difficult but not entirely terrible relationships. (I can of course come up with lots of alternate explanations, but in none of them is LW the good person.)

I would be a little concerned about the Jehovah's Witness part, if it weren't eminently clear that the letter-writer is not at all concerned about their daughter getting dragged into converting, and is in fact shocked at what a bad JW Ex's Mom is.

[ethelmay]

I guess Annie said "other mom," and she presumably saw LW's name.

[conuly]

I would be a little concerned about the Jehovah's Witness part, if it weren't eminently clear that the letter-writer is not at all concerned about their daughter getting dragged into converting, and is in fact shocked at what a bad JW Ex's Mom is.

Yeah, who the hell tattles to somebody else's church!?

[minoanmiss]

Someone "concerned" who wants to cut the other person off from their community/destroy their life.

[kiezh]

It's really a shockingly villainous act to admit to so openly! LW doesn't even have a fig leaf to cover that naked malice.

I'm more used to seeing people talk about doing that kind of thing under the (unconvincing) guise of "bringing someone back into the fold" of a religion they themselves belong to! At least they can TELL themselves they have noble motives, even if it isn't true. LW literally just has "I thought this might be a weapon that would hurt her enough to get her out of my daughter's life." 😱

[torachan]

And this is the "trying to make myself look good" version? Yikes.

[mommy]

Yeah, that's where I'm sitting, too.

[kiezh]

Your daughter ran away into the night the instant she was a legal adult and asked people not to tell you where she was. 16 years later, you are still telling this story as "she got mad at me (for some mysterious reason!)" and describe her vanishing as something that hurt YOU and upset YOU (with no interest in how hurt or upset Melanie herself was, to be driven to fleeing in the night). But your relationship would be fine without your evil rival in the mix!

...Wow.

Your problem is not about this "other mom" and it's ridiculous for you to pretend that it is. YOU fucked up your relationship with your daughter, LW. Plenty of people have multiple mother figures in their lives - the reason Melanie is furious with you and keeps her distance from you is not because someone else is occupying the "mom" slot, but because you are a possessive vicious clingy monster who reacts to disliking someone their daughter likes by plotting to ruin their life by reporting their supposed misconduct to a controlling religion you don't belong to or believe in. You yourself keep making your interactions with Melanie into referenda about which mom she likes better - she's right, it IS all your fault when you spring an "it's me or her!" ultimatum and she picks "the one who doesn't pull this shit on me."

LW, you're absolutely in the wrong. The actions you've described taking here were terrible. And regarding your feelings - you can feel whatever you feel, but you'd be better served dumping those feelings on a therapist who can hopefully help you untangle them. And never, ever mention the "other mom" again, to Melanie or anyone else outside of therapy. And if your daughter ever speaks to you again, back the hell off with the attempts to control her friendships and try to actually have low-key positive interactions with her that you both enjoy. She keeps giving you more chances! Maybe try being grateful for that, that she cares so much about you that she keeps trying to rebuild with you, even though you've probably never apologized for anything you've put her through. (Also a good topic for discussion in therapy.)

[azurelunatic]

Your daughter is 34. That's not "defiant", that's "estranged".