Missing missing reasons!

[conuly]

1. Dear Annie: My stepson said many nasty, derogatory, hurtful things about his recently deceased father. My husband was well-respected by his peers and friends. Yes, he had his faults, but I loved him dearly, and he was a very good man.

I wrote my stepson, let's call him "Dan," and told him how hurt I was and to say nothing about how I felt about his remarks was telling Dan I agreed with him. Dan did not respond to my letter after several months.

Now the dilemma. Birthdays are coming up. I do not want to send Dan a birthday/gift card as usual; I do not want any further contact with him since he has not responded to me.

Here's my question: Do I send his wife and children birthday/gift cards? They live out of state and I rarely saw them in the past. -- Stung Stepmom

Dear Stung: I am so sorry for your loss. It's cliche but true: Everyone grieves in his own way. Your stepson's hostility might have been his; beneath the raging surface could be unseen depths of pain. Hopefully, he will seek counseling to deal with any unresolved aggravation he felt toward his dad. I encourage you to leave the door open to reconnecting with him should he try to make amends.

In the meantime, keep sending birthday cards to your daughter-in-law and stepgrandchildren. The grandchildren are an extension of your husband, after all, and I think you'd regret losing contact with them.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2770761

*******

2. Dear Annie: I'm just heartbroken. My son moved out last year, and he never talked to me about anything before he moved. We were so close, and we always talked. But all of a sudden, he packed up and moved out with no explanation. He had met someone a year prior to that. I met her for a second, and that was it. I do know where he is living but he doesn't know that I know. He has a new baby boy; I don't even know his name, yet he is my grandson. I know that he has two stepdaughters, but I don't know their names either.

I kept trying to call him but get no response. Now his phone is disconnected. I'm so lost and confused as well as upset. I miss him dearly.

He is my only child. He did a great job in school and had his own business after he graduated from high school. I am trying so hard to go on with my life, but it's so hard not knowing how he is, or whether he is safe, healthy and happy. He was a very good kid, and now he's a man. I just hope and pray that he will come around some day. -- Mom Is Lost

Dear Mom Is Lost: That stinks, Mom. I really feel for you. Your son has cut off communication with you for now, but remind yourself that this will not be forever. When and if he comes around, the most important thing to do is not get mad at him for ghosting you the way he did but rather to welcome him in with open arms. Give him lots of love, and at some point, he will explain why he left the way he did.

He might have been torn between wanting to grow up and be his own man while not wanting to hurt you and leave you alone. So instead of doing the mature thing and explaining all that to you, that he was leaving the nest, he just flew away in order to avoid a conflict or to deal with your hurt feelings.

Comments

[conuly]

1. I notice that LW tells us that whatever it is Stepson said was "nasty, derogatory, hurtful" but carefully does not tell us that the accusations were false. No, for that we just get a vague "He had his faults".

Yeah, I just bet he did, and I'm sure those faults were included in Stepson's commentary.

There's literally no advice Annie could give that LW would listen to.

2. If my child up and moved out with literally no explanation, and lived with a partner, and had no contact with me thereafter, I'd be worried about domestic abuse. If I felt the need to write to an advice column about that, I'd mention that - not how lost, confused, or upset I was. (Well, maybe upset.)

But let's be serious, I don't think that Son actually gave no explanation.

[ambyr]

I do know where he is living but he doesn't know that I know.

I have some Questions about this.

[melannen]

I love how LW #2 goes right from "he never talked to me about anything before he moved." to "We were so close, and we always talked," without noticing the discrepancy.

[jadelennox]

I met her for a second, and that was it.

Tell me more about what occurred in this second, LW.

(It's possible that LW2 really is clueless, and that her son is either victimizing her, or going through some shit, or being abused, or incorrect about what LW2 knows. This is the kind of letter that could go either way! And honestly, a fuller narrative of this "second" might give more clarity as to which.)

LW2

[redbird]

That might be bad writing or editing, and the LW might mean something like "we used to be close and always talked, then suddenly he did this without saying anything." In that case, I'd still wonder how sudden it was.

The other plausible reading is that the "sudden" move was preceded by years of the stepson telling LW less and less, because he didn't feel safe and/or because she never listened anyhow, just talked about her own life. Or he had said things like "I've applied for a job in Portland" and "I'm sick of Texas, I think I might want to move to Chicago" and gotten answers along the lines of "but I'm sure you can find work around here" and "don't be silly, you know you love Texas," and now she can't understand how her little boy could move halfway across the country without her approval.

Re: LW2

[melannen]

I suspect it really means something like "I talked at him a lot about how close we are and he did his best to placate me without actually telling me anything I could use against him" but she isn't self-aware enough for that.

[laurajv]

there's something really weird about that second letter, isn't there? Like, LW2 was fully able to find out her son has a child and two stepchildren, and where he is living, but not if he's happy, healthy, and safe? How? What method of finding things out would tell you about his family and not his safety? None that aren't weird and creepy, not that I can think of.

[feast_of_regrets]

I kept trying to call him but get no response. Now his phone is disconnected.

This is... not the action of a man who is going to change his mind and come home. Feels rather like a forever situation to me, actually.

[watersword]

Stop! Giving! Issendai! Material!

[minoanmiss]

I am boggled too.

Re: LW2

[cereta]

Yeah, that sounds a LOT like my MiL, who ignored spouse's declarations that he wanted to leave Phoenix for years, and characterized his leaving as "giving up," even though he left because I got a job elsewhere.

[ethelmay]

Well, I can think of lots of people on, say, Facebook, where I know where they live and what their family make-up is, and I could certainly say that they appear happy and safe, but I don't necessarily know. They could be making their living in some illegal and unsafe way. There could be domestic abuse going on. They could be in a cult. I wouldn't be happy if one of my kids was incommunicado with me and all I knew was what you could see on public Facebook posts.

[lethe1]

Yes, I am surprised that Annie so easily assumes it is only temporary.

[azurelunatic]

What I want to know is when and where the son in #1 made his hurtful (but possibly true) remarks. At the memorial is generally considered to be Tacky, but I admit that I looked at my aunt and she looked at me when Mrs. Co-Worker From Boston said that my dead dad "didn't have a mean bone in his body".